Book Club
We begin here, with a movie that has NO good advertising artwork. Diane Keaton appears to be explaining to everyone that simply having a bowl of salad, and a bowl of tomatoes, is not enough; she also needs a second bowl of salad, and a whole uncut tomato, and then a second cutting board covered in sliced tomatoes and kale. Candice Bergen, who surely hates this photo with every fiber of her being, is trying to laugh along politely, while Mary Steenbergen is egging her on sarcastically and Jane Fonda is silently transmitting the phrase, "Shut the hell up about vegetables NOBODY CARES NOBODY HAS EVER CARED."
This version adds the twist of four terrible headshots, in which Candice might be auditioning for a Paula Deen biopic, Jane is hoping you don't recognize her in that wig, Diane is going to kill you if you ask her about Woody Allen one more time, and Mary Steenburgen is just like, "Whatever, I win this round."
We saw this version on the back of a Playbill, and both screamed. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO JANE FONDA'S HEAD HERE. She looks like she's doing cosplay as Sophia Loren.
How To Talk To Girls at Parties
I am unclear why they didn't just call this Jem and the Holograms Give Dating Advice, as Nicole Kidman (I KNOW) is down there on the right doing her best "Showtime, Synergy," and Ruth Wilson looks like a demented Misfit. The girl in question, Elle Fanning, may be hoping to escape this with her anonymity.
Izzy Gets The F*ck Across Town
Anyone who has ever had to get from Santa Monica to Hollywood for a dinner date can relate to just wanting to get the F*CK ACROSS TOWN ALREADY. Mackenie Davis is doing it on a bike, which is worse, and to break up... her ex's engagement party, or something? I could pass on that particular journey, but I feel her road rage.
The Seagull
Jon Tenney stars as Mandy Patinkin starring in The Seagull.
Beast
This one has two posters: One, with a noteworthy air of malice, and let me tell you, if there's anything women want in the current climate, it's a movie in which one of us is fully menaced by a dude; and...
... this one for foreign release, in which the girl is just as vexed, but this time perhaps wondering why this loser is so unsubtle and tired and bored; it will turn out to be that she said she'd "consider" going to Wisconsin for hunting season, but now she's too busy and frankly not that into it, and he's all Pouty McManface.
Aardvark
In which Ruprecht escapes Beaumont Sur Mer and ends up in an old Calvin Klein perfume commercial.
Beirut
"The Middle East was burning... and so were their loins."
A Quiet Place
I actually love this poster's STFU acrostic.
Bad Samaritan
This really only suggests to me that David Tennant might have a Sexy Young Jesus whispering to him in the night.
Blockers
Can we discuss that John Cena and Ike Barinholtz are only 41? I realize people have indeed had babies at that tender age, but still, they do not read as parents of 18 year olds. I also feel weirdly like these are reversed. This photo is for a movie about parents chaperoning Prom, not hunting down their children who are in a virginity-losing pact and trying to ruin the night.
Borg McEnroe
These are great posters because they've figured out it doesn't matter AT ALL whether you see the actor's face. It's instantly evocative...
... and as a bonus, you don't then have to show Shia LaBeouf's face, which is good, because many people find him punchable due to past rampant obnoxiousness.
Chappaquiddick
This makes me claustrophobic.
Dark Crimes
This has one of my pet peeves: the slogan using a word, or here BOTH words, from the title. I debated whether it was intended to help the title make sense, and... I don't know that I believe that, though. I think it's just dumb.
Film Worker
This poster is plenty self-explanatory, and I LOVE the use of the archival photo with Kubrick in the foreground but blurry, and the subject behind him in stark relief. If that's a real photo, what a find; if it's been treated for this purpose, then how brilliant.
First Reformed
This movie is a Paul Schraeder joint, and has gotten good reviews, but allow this description by the distributor to clarify why it's NOT for me: "Reverend Ernst Toller (Hawke) is a solitary, middle-aged parish pastor at a small Dutch Reform church in upstate New York on the cusp of celebrating its 250th anniversary. [...] When a pregnant parishioner (Seyfried) asks Reverend Toller to counsel her husband, a radical environmentalist, the clergyman finds himself plunged into his own tormented past, and equally despairing future, until he finds redemption in an act of grandiose violence." PASS.
Lean on Pete
I will only accept this if the theme song is a bastardized "Lean On Me."
Life of the Party
First, everyone here pictured looks terrible, except McCarthy, who is once again dipping back into the well of Crazy Glasses and Wigs to make a character. Possibly wrong theory of mine: The more actively her husband (who directed this) is involved in her movie choices, the worse the movies are.
Overboard
Okay, I get why Eugenio Derbez is wet and standing in water. But why does Anna Faris look cold and damp as well? Is she soaked from the STRESS of HER OWN LIES?!? I have not seen this, but the gender flip of the admittedly problematic but beloved original REALLY doesn't work for me. We don't need a movie where a woman has to trick a man into raising her kids, and we could have just left in the past the original about a man tricking a woman into raising HIS kids. But at least in that version, she triumphed and fixed everyone's problems AND inherited a shitload of money, because that's what we ladies do.
Racer and the Jailbird
This looks like a plot grab bag. Let's go with, "Generically handsome dude falls in love with mildly intense and faintly recognizable woman, but then they have to race Porsches in order to avoid bank robbers and then they rip off Casablanca's ending."
RBG
Love it.
Show Dogs
Well, this movie has enough problems, given the appalling subplot that went through EVER SO MANY SETS OF EYEBALLS in order to make it into the movie, before an uproar caused it to be re-edited. However, I'm pretty sure Will Arnett was hoping it would be stuck on a shelf and he could cash the check without it ever seeing the light of day.
"You know what? I don't think this is Best In Show 2 AT ALL, and you people are filthy liars."
Born Guilty
What the hell is even happening here. If the poster can't figure it out, how am I supposed to?
Terminal
This movie came and went over Mother's Day weekend. I barely even remember Margot doing press for it. The whole trope of, "When a LADY gets revenge, IT'S SO SEXY," is tiresome. Also, why is her hair styled like a 1940s femme fatale?
The Cleanse
... I mean, I DO think cleanses are a horror show, but I was unaware that you could actually urinate demons.
The Endless
"Do you think people will mistake this for A Wrinkle In Time? GOOD."
Tully
I've heard this movie is pretty good, though I don't think the poster does it any kind of justice. I get what they're going for -- she looks like a harried mother being wallpapered by her kid's stickers while she barely holds it together -- but I'm not sure this would make sense if you didn't already know that?
Where Is Kyra?
In which Kiefer and Michelle Pfeiffer nearly get a divorce over their inability to access any episodes of The Closer.
Taco Shop
I have ever so many doubts and questions.
Andover
Oh, good, another movie about a guy who's pretty sure the girl shouldn't have autonomy over her own decisions or physical form.
Future World
I would only even CONSIDER watching this is if it was about Lucy Liu and Milla Jovovich yelling at James Franco for two hours. So this poster is an epic fail on all counts.
Solo
Pretty hard to argue with this one, though. Well, I might have made L3 bigger.