Jessica Biel
Biel here needs not to repeat this hairdo. It didn't work, especially when she went ombre and it started looking ratty at the ends. Also, she should be a pretty strong Fug Madness seed this year, so -- if true that she lets her husband pick out her clothes -- she really ought to fire J.T. and hire someone who isn't crazy. I've decided he doesn't ever want her to look better than he does, because I live for ascribing Nefarious Motivations to people.
Jessica Chastain
Continuing alphabetically through the Jessicas, Chastain here needs some new girlfriends for sure. Ones who will think to tell her, "Hey, Jess... that suit is a big no," or, "You know, that Calvin Klein is not as flattering as some other things you've worn." Or, "Let's go shoe shopping. RIGHT NOW. And you have to do what WE say instead of what you think you want." (I know you can't currently see her shoes, but historically, she seems to pick the wrong ones.) I really like her and want her to have a year where she nails it every time.
Kelly Osbourne
Kelly should resolve to dye her hair a color that is found in nature.
Rihanna
I actually love Rihanna's short haircut, and it's a mark of how great it is that she could wear crazy pants and I don't even pay attention. My resolution for her here is pretty obvious. A poster recently berated Jessica and I for not understanding Kristen Stewart's clothes, dissed our books, and then closed with, "RETHINK YOUR LIFE." We were tickled, and have been so excited to borrow that; I think this is the perfect debut place for it. Even her face in the righthand picture seems to say, "Holy shit, AM I REALLY DOING THIS? RETHINK YOUR LIFE," and let's all pray that's accurate.
Anne Hathaway
It was the year of the pixie cut -- I love Rihanna's, and I REALLY love Anne's. She should resolve to keep it, because it's lightened her up and given her a real sassy aura.
Justin Bieber
Resolution: Do things that are not this. Change EVERYTHING, including your obsession with your crotch. It's still there. We promise. (I know someone threatened to castrate him, but his MJ-like obsession with fondling it on-stage predated that.)
Carly Rae Jepsen
For her, 2013 should be makeover time. Her styling team needs to stop infantilizing her (this may slowly be happening already), and also, she needs a new hairdo that doesn't weigh her down or dominate her so much. That ALSO may be happening, but whatever, let's all pretend you heard it here first.
Johnny Depp
I know people love him unconditionally, but I am not one of those people. I don't know what has been going on psychologically with Johnny Depp in the last few years, but he needs to let Aerosmith be Aerosmith because they do it better.
Katie Holmes
Resolution: Change stylists. This girl pulled off a divorce that stunned the ENTIRE WORLD and which made us all respect the hell out of her (and also her attorney father). She should be tearing it up on the post-divorce circuit, and instead she just looks so ... unremarkable. The goodwill and fascination hasn't waned, so if she can't get a good work project going (her play is closing early), she should at least kick it into memorable high gear with her wardrobe. Don't LIMP into your new era, Katie.
Christina Hendricks
Look, I actually think we made a lot of progress this year. But there is still work to be done. That photo on the left cannot be allowed to repeat itself.
Zosia Mamet
I just recently rewatched a bunch of Girls -- and after HATING the first few episodes, that show totally won me over, and I'm on board; you were right again, Fug Nation -- and I was struck by how lovely Zosia Mamet looks in it. Which you can see evidence of on the right: She's smiling, she's got a little eye makeup and some gloss; it's great. But she has the MOST unflattering taste in clothes, and half the time, she does her face like a consumptive. It's all THERE, girl. Just help it sing. It wants to. So badly.
Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield
Resolution: to stay awesome and adorable and cool and delightful and grounded, continuing the longest streak for an It Girl that age of being unhateable, unimpeachable, and uncannily relatable.
Amanda Bynes
Resolution: remember that you used to be awesome and adorable, or at least on film (I will evangelize She's The Man forever, especially now that the world loves Channing Tatum and needs to study his resume), and get back there. Also, pro tip: If you REALLY want to leave the coffee shop without being noticed by the paps, then don't wrap your head in a giant blanket. Because they will look up and say, "Wait, who's that yokel wearing the giant blanket," and take your picture and then write a caption like, "Amanda Bynes, incorrectly thinking we're dumb or correctly thinking we're bored, outside Starbucks." (That was not the caption on this picture but it could've been.) In sum: FIX IT. FIX IT ALL.
Taylor Swift and Whatever
Please, my child, spend some time alone. Kelly Taylor yourself.
Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay
Conversely, Kelly, CHOOSE EACH OTHER ALREADY. PLEASE. THINK OF OUR NEEDS. Also, give those pants back to Steve Sanders.
Michelle Trachtenberg
Dear Michelle: Please find another TV job, because you were good on Mercy and GREAT on Gossip Girl and Georgina Sparks in particular will be sorely missed. Surely somebody wants you to bring that kind of fire to the TV. Revenge is boring as a snail race, so that's my first suggestion. Toddle over there, murder Eric Van Der Woodsen, and then wreak some havoc.
Blake Lively
Blake here has NO projects on her IMDB page. NOTHING under "pre-production" or "post-production" or even "rumored." This seems like a mistake: She was well-regarded for The Town, she needs to wash off the stink of The Green Lantern, and she's FINALLY not working for The CW again. My theory is that it's babymaking time, but... why the rush? Your eggs have plenty of time before they scramble, kid.
Kate Winslet
I don't know Kate. I'm sure she's truly happy. But... it feels like a good idea not to marry EVERYONE she dates, right? Especially when that dude changes his name to a genre of music. If she becomes Mrs. Garth NBC in five years we need to intervene.
Marion Cotillard
I should never be this bored by someone this beautiful. Dearest Marion, whether it's crazypants or awesomesauce, please just pick a direction -- or both -- and don't zzzzzzz us to death again this year, please. Look at you! You ought to be memorable not mediocre.
Kim Kardashian
I'll be honest, I don't know whether her resolution should be STOP PLEASE STOP JUST PLEASE GO INSIDE FOR A YEAR, or DON'T STOP PLEASE DON'T STOP THIS IS GOING TO BE HILARIOUS. It might be both. Lord knows I'm loath to root for a Kardashian to have her name inscribed on the Fug Madness trophy of myth, but if this pregnancy doesn't have the makings of a killer candidacy, what does? I REALLY maybe can't wait to see it.