#2: Saquon Barkley, RB Penn State, to the Giants
My old, sad eyes can't tell if that's brown and black, or a dark maroon and black. Regardless, he looks snazzy and excited, which to me suggests he was pretty sure he wasn't going to Cleveland at 1 or 4. Indeed, he went to the Giants, who haven't had a marquee tailback since Tiki Barber; this wll calm down Eli Manning, who had to be jumpy after being benched last season even by a since-fired head coach, but also create enough offensive depth that even a supbar Eli can probably settle down and do just enough.
#3: Sam Darnold, QB, USC, to the Jets
Or as I call him, Human Typo Sam D. Arnold, because I feel like his name was made by accident. (Same with you, Marc Blucas of Buffy; your name is Marc B. Lucas AND YOU KNOW IT.) Anyhoo, Sam has QB1 hair and a baby face, and a boring suit, and that's probably all fine by the Jets; he'll sell jerseys. I found him hugely overrated in college, and I don't know if the Jets could afford to pass up the chance to trade down for more talent at other positions (who's he even going to throw to?!), or why they'd bother bringing in Josh McCown and Teddy Bridgewater only to pay through the snout for Sam. I assume that means they'll move Bridgewater -- I hope the Steelers show interest bcause Landry Jones is not a real thing at QB2 and never has been -- and pray Sam does better than the last early-departing Trojan they drafted in the top 10 (Mark Sanchez, he of the Butt Fumble).
#4: Denzel Ward, CB OSU, to The Cleve
I am delighted by this purple suit, although Browns fans may shudder at the sight of their rival Ravens' colors on their newest player. The Browns pulled a bit of an Al Davis with this one, passing up arguably better players for a 5'11" cornerback who ran a 4.3 at the combine. Better hope he can out-jump Antonio Brown and AJ Green.
#5: Bradley Chubb, DE NC State, to Denver
Bradley was part of a thing where Michael Strahan dressed guys in his line of suits, but let them customize the insides; this is rocket-themed. His shoes also have the Atlanta area code on them, but with space helmets as the zeroes. That is COMPLETIST.
#7: Josh Allen, QB Wyoming, to Buffalo
We skip #6, because my ND boy didn't show, and move on to the third QB of the top ten. The Bills traded up to get him; they may need him sooner than he's ready, though. Check out this scather from the New York Times: "[H]e has yet to show an ability to have the accuracy necessary to succeed in the N.F.L. The combination of a lack of ability to throw on the run, a tendency to make poor decisions, and a sense that he does not necessarily have much control of where the ball ends up leaves him as a quarterback who can look elite on one play and inept on the next." YOW. Also, I would have worn socks, Josh.
#8: Roquan Smith, LB Georgia, to Chicago Bears
I love the Georgia Bulldog color scheme here.
#10: Josh Rosen, QB, UCLA, to the Cardinals (trade)
ANOTHER ND player skipped, so we go to White Josh #2, aka Josh Rosen. He looks nice enough, but perhaps like he didn't bother much about the fit. Arizona traded up to snag him because Miami would have if he'd fallen to the next spot. Rosen to ME looked the best of all the prospects -- head to head against Darnold, he lost the game but won the optics by a mile -- but there are durability concerns, which the Cardinals could do without after having Carson Palmer on the team for the last few seasons. He also famously put a hot tub in his dorm room. Ah, college.
#11: Minkah Fitzpatrick, S Alabama, to Miami Dolphins
This is another Strahan special, but the drawings inside were done by his little sister, which is awfully cute. Also, at the risk of being crass, those pants seem... Hamm-snug.
#12 Vita Vea, DT Washington, to Tampa Bay Bucs
This dude is Warren Sapp big. I am digging his red velvet jacket.
#13: Da'Ron Payne, DT Alabama, to Washington
He wasn't there, so: TO THE COMBINE. I love sports photography. He COULD be smashing through that pillar. Or he could be DANCING.
#14: Marcus Davenport, LB/DE UT-San Antonio, to New Orleans Saints
A lot of the guys have these ridiculous headphones around their necks, which were clearly handed out for free, as swag. TAKE THEM OFF. Anyway, Marcus was the first player from a Texas school graduated, and he played at one that hasn't even HAD NCAA football for a full decade. (One of his draft facts was also that he wears an "All Men Should Be Feminists" t-shirt.) I am going to assume the pocket square is picking up a color that's in the tie pattern? The Saints traded a bunch of picks to Green Bay for this, and it was considered a reach and a surprise, so... here's hoping.
#15: Kolton Miller, OT UCLA, to Oakland Raiders
He looks very handsome, but I am not into the tie colors. Not least because when you are a Bruin, it takes stones to wear maroon at ANY TIME. That's an ENEMY COLOR, SON. He will be tasked with keeping Derek Carr upright. Derek has seen first-hand what happens when you are a talented pro with a crappy offensive line; his brother, David, was looking promising for the Texans until their turnstile of an offensive line got him sacked into absolute physical oblivion.
#16: LB Tremaine Edmunds, Virginia Tech, to Buffalo Bills
He is decked out to the NINES. That is a lot of layers, to the point where he almost looks like he can't quite breathe. I am into that tie, though. I wish they'd let him remove the jacket OR the vest so that the rest of it could have a little air. Tremaine's brother got drafted later, which is exciting for them. The Bills traded up to get him, also, because they weren't expecting him to be available. I know being drafted in and of itself has to be a thrill, but but I bet it feels REALLY groovy when a team wants you badly enough to give up a raft of other picks and jump the queue.
#17: Derwin James, S Florida State, to the LA Chargers
This whole look is groovy as hell. Also, I hear the name "Derwin" and all I hear is Endora's voice saying "Derwood," and I so assume he's actually named Darren.
#18: Jaire Alexander, CB Louisville, to Green Bay Packers
We're in the DEFENSE DEFENSE DEFENSE portion of the draft, where even ESPN was low on things of interest to say. Jaire looks so wee next to some of these other dudes -- I predict he returns punts before he starts on defense -- and he would absolutely agree with everyone who believes leopard print is a neutral. I think he's a Fug National, then.
#19: Leighton Vander Esch, LB Boise State, to Dallas Cowboys
Love that patterned suit, Leighton. I also love that your name sounds like you sit on the board of a museum in New York City.
#20: Frank Ragnow, C Arkansas, to Detroit Lions
Well. I assume this situation has resolved itself. (He wasn't there, either.)
#22: Rashaan Evans, LB Alabama, to Tennessee Titans
This is the sloppiest of the red suits, but he still somehow looks super cool in it. He seems so relaxed that you'd think he was already on a team, not waiting to find out his fate.
#23: Isaiah Wynn, G Georgia, New England Patriots
Look at his RESPLENDENT beard. He seems so FRIENDLY. He's like Santa.
See? LOOK AT IT. So lush. Maybe he keeps a playoff beard going for ALL sports, and so right now this one is for NHL and NBA.
#24: DJ Moore, WR Maryland, to Carolina Panthers
This is a REALLY unfortunate angle on the graphic, because it makes it look like he's bleeding from the head. I assume it did not look like that from all the fancy angles.
#25: Hayden Hurst, TE South Carolina, to Baltimore Ravens
This dude wasn't there, but we saw footage of him getting the call at home. He uncorked his flowing red ponytail so he could fit the Ravens hat on his head, and seemed very weepy. So we're getting a pic of him at the combine instead. "If Kate and William can levitate sportsballs," he is thinking, "then surely I can too. Okay, easy, easy..."
#26: Calvin Ridley, WR Alabama, to Atlanta
Seriously, how do human bones not break more often? LOOK AT HIS FOOT.
#28: Terrell Edmunds, S Virginia Tech, to the Steelers
Why didn't you walk the red carpet with your brother, sir? I need to see your coffee-colored jacket in clearer relief. (I believe the pants are blue.) I wish Pittsburgh had drafted a proper quarterback to groom for Big Ben's job, but first round is a little high in a year when you have other more pressing holes to fill. Then again, Big Ben is going to break for good pretty soon, and Pittsburgh REFUSES to get a halfway decent backup. SIGH. I HAVE THOUGHTS.
At least he can jump.
#29: Taven Bryan, DT Florida, to Jacksonville Jaguars
All these boys' mothers must be shrieking, "TAKE OFF THE HEADPHONES. IT'S RUINING THE PHOTOS." I'm also not sure his suit jacket fits, but I have sympathy for the kids who are football-big and have to find clothes that accommodate it.
#30: Mike Hughes, DB Central Florida, to Minnesota
"OH SHIT IT'S MINE IT'S MINE IT'S MINE."
#32: Lamar Jackson, QB Louisville, to Baltimore Ravens
I whooped when he got drafted, because I had already seen his outfit and wanted it for this slideshow; when we got to #29 it did not look like anyone was going to do it, because none of them needed him. Then the Ravens traded with the Eagles and grabbed him, which is a knife to the heart of Joe Flacco -- or at least a wake-up call -- and now we get to CELEBRATE the GOOD FASHION TIMES. (Also, fun fact, the draft was bookended by Heisman winners.)
Y'all, his shirt is TINY SPACESHIPS. If only he weren't a Baltimore Raven. I have to root against him by dint of being a Steelers fan. But, we can be heroes, just for one day.
Connor Williams, Texas
Connor didn't get drafted, but I had already downloaded his textured lavendar jacket. Behold, and mentally hug him. (Also, wow, he is cute.)
Derrius Guice, LSU
He looks a chipper sort. The suit doesn't fit and the shoes are terrible, which make me think he did this all himself, and THAT plus not getting drafted makes me want to give him a squeeze. It's okay, Derrius. You'll land somewhere good.
Josh Jackson, Iowa
I am devastated that Football Pacey didn't go. He looks snazzy as hell. Soon, Football Pacey. SOON.