2. Aidan Hutchinson, DE, Michigan, to Detroit Lions
Aidan seems like a nice kid. He's wearing a custom dog-tag repping his grandfather, a WWII veteran, and his blazer was custom-made with a lining that repeated all the goals he wrote for himself -- even the ones that only partly came true (he didn't win the Heisman, for example, but he did come in second). No word yet on whether he wrote, "Have a magic carpet ride of a season." I wish all that was in service of a better looking suit. It doesn't hang together for me and maybe that's down to the shirt? It's just sort of blah.
I wish I could manifest him some socks. Also, hilariously (to me), I thought these were Mercedes Benz branded shoes -- why not, the whole Draft is full of sponsorships and stuff! -- but they're totally Air Jordans and that's Mike, not the MB symbol. My eyes are old.
4. Ahmad "Sauce" Gardner, CB Cincinnati, to NY Jets
Sauce Gardner is my favorite name in a long time, AND he's wearing spiky silver shoes? Yes. I treasure him. And in case you're wondering...
... yes, his necklace says SAUCE, and HAS A DIAMOND BOTTLE OF SAUCE. Imagine if it even had sauce in it. Then I think we could retire, because nothing would ever beat it.
"You can never have too much sauce," he said, and he's right. I love sauce, AND I think now I love Sauce.
5. Kayvon Thibodeaux, DE, Oregon, to NY Giants
I like Kayvon's D&G suit from a distance...
... but it's a total Monet. Unless D&G just sent him the studs and he glued them on himself, in which case, I applaud his dedication. But seriously, a custom D&G suit should not look like you busted out the Elmer's.
6. Ikem Ekwonu, OT, NC State, to the Carolina Panthers
This suit is honoring the Nigerian flag, and his necklace says both ICKEY -- his nickname -- and 704, his North Carolina area code. Another boy getting to play in his hometown. I love the synergy, and the stripes. I hope he has his own version of an Ickey Shuffle.
7. Evan Neal, OT, Alabama, to the NY Giants
THIS is how we needed Aidan Hutchinson to pose with his jacket. Flash that lining!
Evan's is honoring Lake Okeechobee in Florida, which is where he's from and which he clearly loves, so I will hold my Florida wisecracks. FOR NOW.
8. Drake London, WR, USC, to the Atlanta Falcons
Drake is probably pretty pleased to land with a team that might at least remember how to win, but he's not sure who'll be throwing to him. The Falcons recently dealt Matty Ice to the Colts, and grabbed Marcus Mariota as insurance in case they can't find a QB in this draft (which, pickings are pretty slim, but the league is littered with late picks that turned into surprise starters). Drake is 6'4", also, which surprises me just from this photo. I feel like he reads 5'10".
His shoes are also very orthopedic. They remind me of that scene in Tootsie where Dustin Hoffman says he's wearing lifts.
9. Charles Cross, OT, Mississippi State, to the Seahawks
And Charles here isn't sure whom he'll be protecting, because Russell Wilson left for Denver. If it's Drew Lock... well, he's gonna need you, Charles. I think he looks great here, and I'm very into the shoes.
10. Garrett Wilson, WR, THEEE Ohio State University, to the Jets Jets Jets
This is Prada and pearls. I LOVE him for wearing a triple strand that looks like he got it from his grandmother, or something (maybe he did!). But what we need to discuss more...
... are his purse shoes. I guess those are for cash, Trident, and condoms? What else even fits? Honestly, from afar, they look like those house arrest anklets, so Prada might want to tweak its design.
11. Chris Olave, WR, THEEEEEEEEE Ohio State University, to the New Orleans Saints
Just in case you're curious what the atmosphere was: The draft happened in Vegas, and yes, they hired women dressed as showgirls to stand around and clap and carry things. I really would have preferred Elvises. Or Siegfrieds and Roys.
2022 NFL Draft - Red Carpet
Chris's suit is classic but a little dull, which is why his shoes are a happy surprise. Thank you to this photographer for understanding what the people really want.
12. Jameson Williams, WR, Alabama, to the Lions
The Lions traded with the Vikings to get this pick, and I have to think Jameson had a moment of, "But... but now JARED GOFF has to throw to me?!? DOES HE KNOW HOW?" I can't cosign the cropped pants, but his giant medallion is appropriately dramatic...
... and he also has in a diamond grill. Or mouthpiece. They look like my Invisaligns, but special.
13. Jordan Davis, DT, Georgia, to the Iggles
YES. I love him. He looks like a prince at a royal ball. SEND HIM TO BRIDGERTON.
14. Kyle Hamilton, S, Notre Dame, to the Baltimore Ravens
Sigh. My beloved Kyle Hamilton looks very cute, and chipper, though him slipping to 14 may have been a shock. The good news for him is that he landed with the Baltimore Ravens, a good team that won't leave him totally hosed; the bad news for him is that I AM UNHAPPY, because the Ravens are the blood rivals of my Steelers. Oh, Kyle. We'll always have ND.
17. Zion Johnson, OG, Boston College, to the Chargers
I approve! Also, the Chargers are a very exciting offensive team at the moment, so shore up that line and let's get to WORK.
26. Jermaine Johnson II, DE Florida State, to the Jets
I was WAITING for this guy to get picked (and so were the analysts). It always makes me so sad when they go all-out sartorially and then don't leave the board by the end of the night. He looks mad snazzy.
27. Devin Lloyd, LB Utah, to the Jaguars
His lens tint matches his suit.
30. George Karlaftis, DE Purdue, to the Chiefs
... well, you win some, you lose some; he won by getting drafted, he lost at the tailoring.
Malik Willis
Malik is the first of our optimists who showed up but didn't get picked. He's the QB from Liberty that most people had going to the Steelers, but I guess they couldn't resist the hometown guy. WHO CAN. But listen, he looks good, he's considered the second-best player available, and tomorrow features the Bears, Jets, Texans, Seahawks, and Giants, who could probably all use some help.
Matt Corral
I really hope a lot of these kids just wanted the trip to Vegas and aren't too crushed. Matt is considered the 16th best player left and 3rd best QB, and tomorrow's round in fact opens with the Bucs. Freaking Tom Brady unretired, but he played in New England with a backup named Matt Cassel, and that's ALMOST the same name, so maybe we can manifest this for Matt. And hey, the Bucs are going to need SOMEONE for whenever Gisele finally decides she can tolerate Tom around the house all day.
Nakobe Dean
He's an ILB from Georgia, and is considered the top guy on the board. His smile is so charming, and he wore a fashion harness... someone please snatch up this gentleman.
Kyler Gordon
I really like that jacket.
But the shoes... McQueen, are you even trying that hard?
