Father Figures
This is basically Mamma Mia: More Dudes. Glenn Close is the mother, there are like five potential dads, and I am fairly sure there are probably some jokes in there implying she's a LOOSE WOMAN, HOW DARE SHE ENJOY SEXUAL PLEASURE WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS. The poster is agonizing. Owen Wilson just woke up and hasn't had any caffeine. JK Simmons is hoping you don't recognize him. Katt Williams only just found out what movie this is. Ving Rhames is at the grocery store during a demonstration of a new product and he's trying to muscle in for a freebie. Terry Bradshaw is being choked, and Christopher Walken appears to be grabbing Ed Helmes inappropriately. FIVE STARS. GOOD HOLIDAY FUN.
Gangster Land
... I'm sorry, is one of these people supposed to be Peter Facinelli? Is Second-From-Right meant to be him? It can't be any of the other ones, and yet SURELY... all my cracks about how this is a knockof of every other gangster film have died on my tongue in an effort to understand that.
The Greatest Showman
Not gonna lie: Jackman looks tremendous.
Also not gonna lie: This version is giving me vertigo.
In The Fade
"An edge-of-seat thriller" is an interesting line to add to a movie poster in which a woman is walking morosely in the rain.
I, Tonya
This movie was really, really good. And yes, while it does try to understand the shitstorm that was Tonya's life, it's not especially flattering to her, either. She is not really the hero of the piece. She is TRAGIC in it, though. And Margot Robbie is excellent. I enjoy this poster.
Just Getting Started
Unless this is a Dirty Rotten Scoundrels spinoff of some kind, I don't want to hear it.
Justice League
Oh my God. I know this is spposed to look comic-book-ish, and the logos as letters in the slogan is cool, but WHAT HAVE YOUR ARTISTS DONE TO GAL GADOT'S PERFECT FACE.
Lady Bird
This movie is lucky it's getting such warm, glowing press, because NOBODY is going to go see it based on this poster. It looks like a Church Lady by Dana Carvey joint.
The Man Who Invented Christmas
Congratulations, Charles Dickens, on "inventing" the Bible and Jesus and thousands of years of lore and tradition. And my sincerest lamentations to the three ghosts on the right, one of whom seems to be a relative of Hagrid's and another of whom is clearly a zombie.
Murder on the Orient Express
I mean, while we're titling everyone, how come Leslie Odom Jr. doesn't get "Tony Award Winner"? And Josh Gad is a Tony nominee. I know that would leave Daisy Ridley out in the cold, but she's a Jedi, so she can handle it. Also, psst, Branagh, your mustache has dripped onto your chin.
LBJ
I legit had no idea this even happened.
My Friend Dahmer
Is Anne Heche supposed to think she's in North and South?
Newness
I assume this movie is about someone who cuts off the limbs of his loved ones and keeps them in a giant pile.
November Criminals
In which one boy's tuft of hair protects his girlfriend against insults about their shared bronzer habit.
Phantom Thread
This is about a clothing designer, but it looks like it's about an ass man who is a dangerous predator.
Pitch Perfect 3
I am going to be honest: I am not really a fan of these movies. They lost me in the first one almost immediately with all the vomiting, and then again later when they brought it back, and several other times for other reasons. But the clear stars are Anna Camp, Rebel Wilson, and Anna Kendrick, and of the three only Kendrick even looks like herself.
Roman J. Israel, Esq.
Something about this looks like it's an ad for an Apple product.
The Shape of Water
Mute Woman, Evidently Deemed Unlovable, Is Forced To Bang A Fish-Man. (I saw this movie and did not like it.) JESSICA PLEASE SKIP THE NEXT SLIDE. IT IS NOT FOR YOU.
Thelma
I call this movie SHITTY AWFULNESS HAPPENS TO THIS POOR GIRL'S FACE.
The Post
Well there's a metaphor. I do at least like that Streep gets to lead Hanks up the arduous stairs, rather than the other way around.
Thor: Ragnarok
Sometimes I look at this and feel like I just dropped acid.
The Tribes of Palos Verdes
Creepy Witch Neighbor Projects Herself Onto The Roof and Spies On Sunbathing Innocents. I'll pass.
Wonder
There were actually a ton of different posters for this movie, suggesting to me that they were deeply unsure how to make it attractive to moviegoers. I don't know how it was, but Julia Roberts sure seemed to do the bare minimum for it, so.
24 Hours to Live
I really hope this is the fourth After/Before/Sunrise/Sunset installment, in which it's revealed he's been a hitman all along.
Sweet Virginia
Literally nothing about this looks appealing except for his forearms.
A Bad Moms Christmas
Christine Baranski and I are both, I believe, thinking, "Why did they DO THAT to Kathryn Hahn's wonderful face?!?"
Hostiles
Okay, so. Apparently in this movie, these two work together to fight Other Gnarly Forces and get the chief's family to safety. But with the slogan, "We Are All HOSTILES," it TOTALLY comes off like they're pitted against each other, and the white dude is trying to justify the land-snatch we did by saying, "Well, they weren't that nice EITHER." It's careless imaging, basically, for a movie in which these two actually are allied.
All The Money In The World
This is the Spacey version of the poster, and BOY was it prescient in casting a shadow that slices its actors in half.
This is what they went with once Spacey was out and they had to reshoot with Christopher Plummer. Honestly, it's better ANYWAY.
Almost Friends
Man Falls In Love With Woman Who Is Slightly Blurry In This Shot, Because Her Identity Doesn't Really Matter; It's His Journey and She'd Better Not Try To Actualize In It.
The Ballad of Lefty Brown
"Yup. No one saw this. No one at all."
Beyond Skyline
Helpless Woman and Child Get Rescued By Two Dudes, One Of Whom Has Had About 20 Years Shaved Off His Face, Because He Looked Like That On Guiding Light 20 Years Ago.
Blade of the Immortal
This is about a dude who can't die until his sword kills like 100 or 1000 people... but honestly, the design looks like it's a Japanese remake of The Hangover. Everyone looks like they had a rough night.
Bullet Head
Three Gentlemen Explore Eye Cream.
Crooked House
This poster is weirdly beautiful, and very few of them look like they realized the photo was being taken.
Darkest Hour
In which Winston Churchill is revealed to be the smoke monster from Lost. (Gary Oldman is pretty amazing in this, though.)
