Billy Porter in Botter
This is an extremely chipper beginning. It's sparkly, it's bright, it's everything I think we all hope 2021 will become.
Billy Porter in Rick Owens
But he looks kind of like an elephant in this. By which I don't mean anything about size; I mean that the shape of the shoulders, and the coat's overall greyness, genuinely looks like the head of an elephant.
Billy Porter in Christoph Rumpf (suit) and Georges Hobeika (coat)
I couldn't get a great shot of this because the lights of the square behind him kept casting a glow. He was getting emotional talking about Broadway being dark for so long, and all the actors and crew members who've been out of work. I honestly hope the theaters live-stream the curtain calls of whatever their first show back is, because they are going to be TEARFUL STANDING OVATIONS and I want to cry at each and every one of them.
Billy and Cyndi
This is a terrible shot, but it seemed important to show you Cyndi's coat of many colors.
Cyndi and Billy
Apparently they did a duet of "True Colors," and the Internet HATED IT. I believe many people thought it was the ending that 2020 deserved, which is HARSH. Please, Fug Nation, do weigh in.
Lucy Hale
I understand that everyone wants to look glitzy, and that it might not have been as cold in NYC this year as it has been in the past, AND no one gets to dress up anymore because of Covid. So as crazy as a tiny slip dress under a giant furry coat looks... HAPPY NEW YEAR.
This look was very good, though. She was a real bright spot in a literal way. I'm not sure when Lucy Hale became an all-purpose co-host type, but she's good at it. They didn't have much for her to DO because she couldn't actually interview anyone, because no one was audible through the masks. But she's very congenial.
Miley Cyrus
Miley sang "Party in the USA" at one point and I'm going to go way out on a limb here and suggest that this is when it happened.
Miley
This could have been a lot worse.
Yep. This is worse. Honestly, of all the things here, it's the leather thong over her pants that's getting to me.
Noah Cyrus
Noah also performed. She seems to be working a Miley Musgraves thing: She has her sister's rasp and penchant for absurd outfits, but Kacey Musgraves's dead-eyed expression. And traces of Billie Eilish, in the ethereal edges and in her fingernails. It's a weird combination. Her song was ALSO boring and had no energy, but mercifully also was short. When you are trying to party in a largely empty room, the songs need to be HOPPING to compensate, and this was languid.
Machine Gun Kelly
I am having a hard time caring.
Jimmie Allen
I'm sorry that I missed him, because this outfit is a KICK.
Doja Cat
This looks exhausting to wear. She's put on stuff before that was more carefully constructed than perhaps it looked, so I'm going to assume everything here is LOCKED DOWN TIGHT. But the costume looks kind of like Christmas tinsel that is worn out and ready to move on.
En Vogue
These ladies are BACK, apparently. They did a slightly sped-up "Free Your Mind" and one other song, and they sounded great. Welcome back, ladies.
Brandy
Brandy got up there and delivered scathing beat poetry that she wrote after taking this KILLER lit class from a professor who's kinda more like a FRIEND, you know, and smokes clove cigarettes and just like GETS IT.
Ella Mai
I saw bits of this and IT was flat, too. It is hard to be the only energy in a room, truly. But for as floofy as her outfit is, the song again wasn't enough of a banger. People this year, more than ever -- and in so many mostly empty studios -- need to DANCE and THRASH. Get Motley Crue up there.
24K Goldn
This is a good jacket, though, at least.
Ciara
She hosted the L.A. segments, in a sparkly flight suit.
Alfonso Ribeiro
He seems to have done a whole dance number. I forgot he was on DWTS, but also, I ASSUME this is him doing The Carlton.
Lewis Capaldi
Is there a factory in the UK that churns out messy regular-dude crooners with sensitive souls? You could put his songs in the middle of a bunch of Ed Sheeran tracks and tell me it's the same artist and I doubt I would think twice about it.
Maluma
That one poor girl must be VERY irritated that her mask is slipping.
Julia Michaels
She sang something. I didn't hear it. Her boots are fun?
with JP Saxe
She also popped in later to sing that "If The World Is Over" song, which is a pretty good one to belt out, but also REALLY NOT THE RIGHT MOOD. It felt so apt for earlier in the pandemic but at the dawn of a new year I don't really want to be discussing plans for the apocalypse.
Megan Thee Stallion
Megan Thee donned thee usual bodysuit. In some lights, the undergarments didn't show very much, but in others it was like HELLO UNDERCRACKERS.
Nelly
He is truly making the absolute most of the Nellyssance. No wonder people want to do DWTS.
The Go-Go's
This was the ONE awesome thing that happened: They showed a clip of The Go-Go's singing "We Got The Beat" in 1983, and IT RULED. They may have done a lot more of this in the early telecast that I didn't see; it was the only one in the two that I did, and I wish they'd done this THE WHOLE TIME. Now THIS is a song that makes people want to party.
The performance had a very American Bandstand feel, the way it cut to shots of people dancing for the cameras, but none of those turned out well in screen shots. Belinda Carlisle's dress, however ,can now live with us all forever. The 80s were SUCH a Disney-formalwear era.
Kathy Valentine and Jane Wiedlin
I wish THIS were not blurry. Jane's suit!!!
Gina Schock
Gina seems very stressed out about having to smash the drums in a tight blouse.
Joel McHale and Ken Jeong
Over on FOX, things were very dumb, for the brief period we watched. It was these two in what looked like an enormous empty room with no mood at all -- probably exactly what it was -- and, at midnight, like six lightly formal people came out from backstage and wriggled a bit behind them while a stagehand stuck two glasses of champs on the floor and the walked away.
Craig Robinson
He was the bandleader, presumably because he is hosting The Masked Dancer (Ken is on that and Masked Singer).
Kelly Osbourne and Jason Biggs?!?
This seemed weirder to me before I learned that Jason is hosting a game show on FOX about... slot machines? Whatever. They were a very strange pairing and had little to do. At one point Kelly just described the J.Lo performance, which they couldn't actually show because it was for a different channel.
Andra Day
They did at least get Andra to sing... but she did "Imagine," which was very lovely, and I'm sure someone sings it every year, but she seemed sad and it again created a very odd vibe. Granted, Andra Day is not known for peppy Carly Rae Jepsen bops, but the six people in Times Square needed BIG ENERGY.
Anderson and Andy
I understand these two got drunk together again? Sure! In the midst of all this, Brooke Baldwin and Don Lemon were in a house somewhere in satin PJs doing cooking segments?!? I had it on mute while Zooming with Jessica and some other friends, but I had to stop and tell them to turn it on because Mariah's cleavage was worthy of a mention. They agreed. It looks SO GOOD. Now THAT is how you dress for a Zoom.
Also, LOOK AT THE WIDE SHOT. I want to do every holiday in Aspen with Mariah Carey, please.
I didn't remember the ball dropping onto SUCH a massive ad before, but sure enough, this is not new. It was Kia this year, VW the last... who anointed THIS the seminal NYE celebration, anyway? Much cooler things are dropped in other cities in the U.S. I say we migrate next year. Shall we meet in Maine for the shovel-holding plastic lobster?