1912
So, clearly, things could be worse. A horse could be snacking on your head while you're slumped in the street.
Baby New Year
circa 1900: Baby New Year flies above the globe, wishing holiday Greetings on a New Year's postcard (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)
Fowl New Year
I wish I could take credit for the "fowl new year" pun, but it came from Informative Caption. Sending someone a card that involves negative wordplay is so MEAN, but even without that, it's not much better to celebrate the dawn of a new year with birds who are soon going to be slain. You could caption it STARING DOWN DEATH.
When you look at a party THIS way, it just looks like a major pain in the neck (and the noggin) for all involved. What are we missing?!? NOTHING!!!!!
1908
This illustration from a French paper is called, "Three miners trapped underground celebrate New Years Eve, in America." So these three people are DEFINITELY having a worse time than we are. Although I'm encouraged that they have a phone. Hopefully someone will pick up.
1870
This depicts an actual fire at Blackfriars Bridge in London, which occurred on Dec. 31 and was put out just after midnight on Jan. 1. FESTIVE!!!! (It was a warehouse fire. I found an old news clipping about it that pointed out people are too often curious about the cause and breadth of a fire and lack sympathy for the sufferers, but that in this case the affected parties were mostly insurance companies, so it's okay not to feel sad about it. Reader, I laughed.)
1870
This may LOOK like they're dancing, but clearly he's about to stab her with his cane. MURDER MOST FESTIVE.
Well! I've just figured out exactly what MY plan is for the night.
Shoot, wait. To lean on a giant bottle of Champagne, or nibble on a bushel of wheat? Decisions, decisions.
Chelsea Arts Ball At Royal Albert Hall New Year's Eve 1956
If you're thinking, "Is that a bunch of women in swimsuits with a model of a prehistoric bird," then you are CORRECT and you might even have been on the guest list for this party, had you been alive and in Chelsea. And while it is tempting to make a huge papier-mache creature that looks half-bird, half-Brontosaurus, I'm going to go ahead and say that making Bundt cake in my pajamas is DEFINITELY preferable.
1950
I can't lie: I DO wish I had a top hat for the occasion.
Debbie Reynolds - 1953
But I am thrilled that I don't have to sit on a pointy clock in some skivvies with MANIACAL CACKLING HEADS staring up at my nethers.
Informative Caption, please take the mic: "Michael Hartung, 46, says this is the way he picked coins off the pavement with this teeth on New Year's Eve trying to convince officers he was not drunk. He went on trial in Los Angeles, California, on February 16, on a plea of not guilty to charges of drunkenness. The officers who arrested him said they found his automobile littered with bottles and said they weren't convinced by his demonstration." I mean, this is a real conundrum: Anyone who can do that is probably not too drunk, but anyone who would THINK of doing this probably IS drunk? So we're at an impasse. Let us all be relieved we are not eating coins off the pavement on this NYE, unless you ARE, in which case, it's a pandemic so I'm not judging your hobbies.
Peter Cook - 1980
I'm sure Peter Cook is THRILLED to be wearing a toucan ball cap on New Year's Eve.
1926
This woman has a bow on her vaj and is shooting noisemakers out of other places. Definitely not the best night of her life.
1931 - Joan Crawford and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.
I am DEEPLY curious why Joan is dressed like Little Bo Peep Joins the Circus at a New Year's party. Presumably she's the baby? But... why does the baby need a hula hoop?
This little girl is obviously throwing it in her brother's face that SHE got a giant cool horse and HE got a dumb kite that doesn't even work in most weather conditions. I am here for it.
Informative Caption says, "Illustration shows two children riding in a dirigible-type of flying machine with lots of flowers." That it does, I.C. That it does. Maybe they should have done the Rose Parade by dirigible this year.
1889
Here, Father Time is dabbling in the darkest arts, which I think is how 2020 was created.
1911
And then THIS a-hole is sailing off on the moon with all the loot, taunting his gnome buddies with his betrayal as they fruitlessly try to drag his turncoat ass back to Earth. Obviously it rules if you're the thief who makes off with thousands, but really, this year, we are all the two on the ground getting BETRAYED.
Marilyn Menick Wishing A Happy New Year
Thanks, Marilyn! You would have been an Instagram Influencer in 2020. I can't wait for all of them to do this with their produce.