Kendall Jenner in Rami Kadi

Whenever I look at this very quickly, my eyes process it as an evening gown having been pulled over really frayed, extra-microscopic Daisy Dukes. Then I look again, and it's actually sparkly and part of the dress, but... I mean, come on. It's not a dress. It's a waxing advertisement. Is she merching for her esthetician? I don't care how long your legs are; you look a damn fool, and right on the heels of Kim trotting out something tragic, I guess Kendall needed to up the vulgar quotient. She is a model, and thus ends up scantily clad on the runway a lot. Does she think we have forgotten what she looks like? We have not, Kendall. Also you won't let us. 

ALSO, YOUR CROTCH.  Imagine this if the hip beading actually extended fully down and was a panel on the skirt. How pretty that might be. WHAT A SHAME.

Kendall and Caitlyn

They all just look so proud of her pubis. I can't.

Zoe Kravitz in Saint Laurent

And then here's Zoe, in what's not even really a bra; it's more of a suggestion. Yes, you can see her nipples -- I chose shots where they weren't as noticeable, but it was hard -- and yes, this is the laziest outfit ever. I'll say this for Kendall's: At least it was DESIGNED.

It doesn't even FIT. It's just SITTING on top of her boobs. Saint Laurent, what the ever living hell is Anthony Vaccarello doing over there?

Heidi Klum in Elie Saab

Heidi needed a slicked-back bun with this outfit, I think. Having said that, she also needed a different outfit with this outfit.

and in yet more Elie Saab

Earlier, she wore a different one from the same line -- and this one is more kin with Michelle Yeoh's second outfit -- and it is not as see-through, but it felt relevant to put them both in here together. I'm not sure why she changed, except that she COULD, and I suppose maybe her boobs could only go so long before getting more air?

But: more sheer than you think, isn't it?

Rita Ora in McQueen

Meanwhile, over at McQueen, someone is still trying to make bordellos happen.

Chloe Sevigny

Barmaid! Rita Ora needs you to mop up a spill at table three and stuff an ace of clubs up Wyatt Earp's sleeve.

Catt Sadler

Psst, Rita, the bar singer is here! Have Chloe bring her a shot of moonshine and clean the dust off the top of the piano.

Shailene Woodley in Dior

Oh, Shailene, I didn't think you would fall prey to the sheers. This looks like a Victoria's Secret swimsuit with a coverup she bought on Etsy from a site that sells clothes to magic practitioners.

Lindsey Vonn

I'm sorry, Lindsey, but I tried to tell you that toilet-paper wedding gowns are just not practical for long-wear.

Lindsey Vonn

She went two-for-two on hideousness. That's... a victory of a sort for the all-time winningest U.S. skier. I've decided the fact that she spent her career kicking ass at top speeds on mountains means her skin is impervious to cold.

Jeanine Mason

Jeanine (from the new Roswell) somehow did not end up in a full shot for our services, so I only have this in pieces. Here, we have her rump and some cuffs that look like giant tulle mittens.

Mercedes-Benz USA Oscars Viewing Party - Arrivals

And here is the short version of the front. You get the gist.

Emma Roberts in Yanina

Oh, come on. Why are you wasting your good head on this?!?

Jasmine Sanders

And why is there another one?

Kerry Washington in Schiaparelli

SHRIIIIIIEK. This reminds me of KiKi Layne's terrible Dior from the Globes, BUT WORSE. What is that wig? Why is that bodice? WTF with this stumpifying length? Why does she look so much older than she is?

Emily Ratajkowski in Brock

Well, she CAN'T hoik it without exposing the promised land. So. We are at an impasse.

Nina Dobrev in Brock Collection

I also don't know why Brock sent out two such similar dresses for the same party. Nina's isn't AS see-through, but it is -- there were pictures on Getty (which we don't get) that were a bit clearer on that issue and I encourage you to look for proof. I do not like either of these, and I think Nina has lost some of her fashion edge.

Raven Lyn

She's a model. If you, like I, have never seem her before, then... you are seeing a lot of her now.

Marisa Tomei in Ralph & Russo

Sigh.

Halston Sage

"I know. They wouldn't line it. I TRIED. But I nailed the rest of it."

Bel Powley

Bel Powley is not familiar to very many people yet, and this is not really the way to flip that script.

Lala Kent

If you say so, kid.

Rowan Blanchard in Rodarte

I know, I know, this is not see-through in quite the same way, but we ARE getting a full-on look at her entire stomach, navel included. I did laugh out loud when I saw this, though. Props to anyone who will even ATTEMPT to wear Rodarte in its fullest bloom, and the fact that she is not lost in it at her tender young age is pretty impressive. It's Touched by an Angel, but FASHION.

Cobie Smulders in Elie Saab

I had to look at this one for a while, but yes, I see underpants, and no, I'm not thrilled that I just spent so long deciphering that.

Behati Prinsloo

Wait, IS this see-through, or is the skirt just actually shaded where her legs happen to be? I think... let's go with see-through. We can go with "blindingly fugly" regardless.

Maria Sharapova

No thanks!

Priyanka Chopra in Elie Saab

That bodice looks truly glorious on her. The sheers here aren't ruinous or anything, but they're not strictly NECESSARY either.

with Nick Jonas in Missoni

She also brought her husband, Sir Nicholas of the Jonas Territories, and he's still learning human social customs.

Sofia Boutella

Okay, I don't like this, strictly speaking, but -- unlike many in this slidesow -- I actually think she looks really good and mysterious in it.

Megan Pormer

Hmm. I could answer that question, or go get some snacks. ... Bye.

Get Ready: There Were Lots of Naked/Sheer Outfits at the Post-Parties

Et tu, Shailene Woodley? ET TU?!?!?