Oscar Flashback Fuggery: What The Stars Wore Ten Years Ago

Charlize Theron in John Galliano for Dior

Charlize was nominated for "North Country," the mining movie in which I cynically suspect she tried to dirty herself up for a statue the way she did in "Monster." (That is a gross oversimplification, but the gist is, the Oscars LOVE when a beautiful woman goes gritty.) This gown was handpainted. I disliked it then, and I dislike it now. While there's a pleasantly overdone quality to it -- in the sense that I ALWAYS hope someone will arrive like this and then LOUDLY deliver comeuppance to her enemies -- I think it was too much. Charlize Theron does not need that mishmash of criss-crossing happening all over her body.

Michelle Williams in Vera Wang

This still breaks my heart. It's the best she's ever looked, and the happiest she's ever seemed, and this story ended SO TRAGICALLY. At least poor Matilda will always have this.

Reese Witherspoon in vintage Dior

Whereas these two looked like they wanted to punch each other most of the night, except when he gave THE FAKEST reaction to her victory. I am still lukewarm on the dress. I may like it better than I did ten years ago, but at the time I noted that it felt like her daughter had a Barbie at home in a matching one, and that holds.

Jennifer Jason Leigh

Jennifer is nominated this year, which makes it fun that we saw her a decade ago -- then, on the arm of her now-ex husband Noah Baumbach (whose current muse is his girlfriend Greta Gerwig).

Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez

REMEMBER THESE TWO? I say this as if any of us could ever forget Jenny and her vampire.

Jennifer Lopez in vintage Jean Dessès

She is in a gown from 1959, and I have to tell you: J.Lo was SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING when she dug around and found vintage gowns. I actually don't even know if it ever happened before or since, but it feels like she's become a person who would never do that. I find this fairly delightful.

Naomi Watts in Givenchy

Oh my God. Givenchy of ten years ago: STILL A TRAGIC MESS. But if you can believe it, this is not the most heinous thing she wore that night.

Naomi Watts

THIS IS. I could not find a designer credit, and I've decided it's because the offender scrubbed it from the historical record. You are the worst, Burr. #Hamildis

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera

Amy was nominated for "Junebug," and this was her coming-out party as a serious actress. So basically, if you've ever wondered how long Amy Adams has been a big deal, it's been exactly ten years. I liked at the time how adventurous this was, especially for a newbie, and you almost NEVER see brown fabric on the red carpet so that was an intriguing choice (although there might also be a very good REASON for that). She was early to the red carpet that night, hands jammed in her pockets, and effectively kicked off the trend of employing those -- though she wasn't the only one to do it that night.

Sandra Bullock in Angel Sanchez

Sandy also buried her paws in her pockets. And in her date. ZING. Except they came as friends. WHATEVER. They had shot but not released "The Lake House," which would appear that summer, and spark one of my husband's weirder Halloween costumes (he went as the magic mailbox)(no, really)(this was the same year I went as Fergie Ferg and wore an adult diaper, because she had just recently wet herself on stage).

Anyhoo, the dress is a bit meh, but it's the hair and makeup that are really killing me. And the fact that these two aren't currently making out, but whatever, live your own lives, I GUESS.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

More pockets. Her face is as underwhelmed as my soul.

Diane Kruger in Elie Saab

Somewhere in this year, she divorced Guillaume Canet (now married to Marion Cotillard) and started dating Pacey. So again: Diane and Pacey have been a thing for a decade. The Daily Mail had pics of them walking around NYC recently, but that body language of his is... intriguing. My theory, which I read elsewhere and fully embrace, is that they are broken up but he agreed to keep up appearances for her VERY occasionally until some distance was put between her and the cheating, at which point they could pretend they broke up for other reasons. However, I don't think anyone will ever think -- if they do break up -- that it was really for very many other reasons.

Sienna Miller

This wasn't my favorite back in the day, but now I might be into a flowing ode to coffee beans.

Jennifer Garner in Michael Kors

She was three months off having Violet, her first child with Baffleck. Oh, 2006 Jennifer, you have some ROUGH ROADS ahead of you. But your outfits get better.

Jennifer Aniston in Rochas

Zzz. (She was dating Vince Vaughn at the time, if you like the historical context. I had forgotten that ever happened, but now that I have been reminded, I remember that one ruthless jeweler in Chicago -- Suzy Fabrikant -- who kept leaking gossip that he'd bought Aniston an engagement ring there and what it looked like, which I firmly believe was made up or embellished to drive up sales. That name was in EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE about them).

Jessica Alba in Versace

She was the Golden Girl that year; the next, it was Biel, and I recall this because we joked that they were moving alphabetically through Jessicas Who Would Like To Be More Famous Than They Are, and that Capshaw would be next. Fast-forward to today, and both Alba and Biel are basically rolling with the A-list. That dress does not fit -- it was her first real attempt at red-carpet glamour, but no one told her it was okay to point out that things are WAY TOO TIGHT, I guess. Would we ever have thought she'd be famous in 2016 for being the figurehead of a billion-dollar company? I certainly would have been startled.

Keira Knightley in Vera Wang

This Wang is not as triumphant for me as Michelle's. Although that necklace is FOR REAL.

Salma Hayek

Does not age.

Taraji P. Henson

She was there to perform "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" with Three Six Mafia, and was sufficiently anonymous at the time -- despite having been in the movie -- that she was captioned, "Singer Taraji P. Henson." That dress is SUCH a 2006 capsule. It is everything you'd find in the window of a mall store called, like, Bella's Ball Gowns.

Ziyi Zhang in Armani

Quite lovely.

Meryl Streep

MERYL, BRINGING THE STREEP VEE. Very nice. I actually think that skirt is nifty.

Felicity Huffman in Zac Posen

That is basically the face I made when I saw her, an actress I very much like in a gown that ought to be thrown in jail for its crimes.

Terrence Howard

It seems impossible that he was ever this young.

Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga

I have never liked her in white, particularly, but the gown is pretty. I'm sure at the time of this original wearing, I was complaining NONSTOP about how she wasn't true red anymore. Now I have a better idea how much that costs and how often you have to go in order to maintain it, and even with her bank account... I get it.

Hilary Swank in Versace

This is not good at all. Which is a shame, because 2006 should have been Peak Swank.

Queen Latifah in Carmen Marc Valvo

I love you, La.

Jada Pinkett Smith in Roberto Cavalli

The bodice of this reminds me of an old Hollywood musical number, as if two Rockettes are going to swing out of those boob shells and start dancing with feathered fans.

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter

I don't have a designer credit on this, but SURELY I do not need one. It HAS to be Vivienne Westwood. He looks the same, and she looks as if she is silently mulling a descent into sartorial madness along with him. Spoiler: It happened.