Petra Nemcova
Now, I have to say, THIS is the cape I kind of wish Gwyneth had worn. Like, if you're going to do it, don't be all Gently Caped Angel On My Shoulder -- be Devilishly Caped Rapscallion On My Other Shoulder Who Wants Me To Spill Champagne All Over J.Lo. However, that said, there are two reasons I think this looks ridiculous on Petra: One, she does not have GOOP levels of divatude, and two...
Petra Nemcova
That eye makeup is THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. Like, it's so bad, I'd hire Taylor Momsen to teach her how to do it better. I also enjoy how they have glued this sucker directly to her UNDERboob. Somebody was paranoid.
Marisa Miller
This dress is crazy sexy, but unfortunately it's made for a lady with cups that runneth slightly less over -- it's turning her torso into a Denny's short stack.
Olga Sorokina
Not to be gross, but this just looks like she gave up waxing for Lent. Five years ago.
Heidi Klum
I basically just keep waiting for Heidi Klum to start her own planet. When you get proposed to atop a glacier and that marriage ended, where else can you go but up and OUT? This would work for her coronation. On Klumus, formal occasions will of course demand MORE leg showing than usual.
Heidi Klum
I like how the back looks like she has lots of tiny little gold boxes stored over her butt. It's a fancy rump purse. Need a tampon? Left cheek. Need a Godiva? Right side. Condoms and lube? Middle.
Kate Upton
This girl is the current Sports Illustrated cover model. It's hard to recognize her, maybe, because aside from the absurd dental floss they put over her crotch, they also chose the most unflattering photo possible of her face -- which, to me, is their pervy way of saying the face is irrelevant without actually typing the words. The whole cover was actually really gross. And that's coming from someone who never usually cares about the SI swimsuit issue one way or the other -- like, I'm a subscriber, and I've never clutched my pearls and called them in a huff and told them not to send it (which they invite you to do months in advance). But this cover was really, really close to the line of needing to be wrapped in plastic.
Ahem. That said, I think it's great Kate countered that cover by wearing about two fabajillion times more fabric on her body. Smart.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
I don't know about that stretch panel. And from this angle, the way the cap sleeves are cut, it looks like her shoulders just ate some spinach and are about to go full Popeye.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
The back at least has a cutout, though, so it's not totally boring? I don't know. I can't get excited about the RHW here.
Irina Shayk
This might be a pretty dress (except for the pollution it's spitting out at the bottom -- is there an exhaust pipe under there?), but I wouldn't know, because I can't find any photos in which she posed full-on. Which means all she wanted to dress up in was a sideboob holster. Mission accomplished.
Irina Shayk
The odd thing is, Irina wore something else to a different party, so presumably she decided Vanity Fair screamed sideboob and Elton's bash demanded leg. I think I'd have gone the other way, if forced.
Alessandra Ambrosio
Depressing to every other pregnant lady everywhere.
Bar Refaeli
Can someone bring this child an elastic? Or, god, even a pencil?
Brooklyn Decker
This is actually kind of pretty, if also not cut for a girl with quite such robust genetic advantages. But my real question is, again, why Andy Roddick keeps making her go to all this stuff alone -- he was bounced out of a tournament on the prior Wednesday, so maybe he didn't plan to come because he thought he'd be playing on Sunday? I'm not trying to make trouble; I just often wonder. Given the choice, I'd always like my spouse to come hang out with me at stuff.
Karolina Kurkova
This is so ridic that it's almost hilarious. Somewhere there's a male ice skater who is looking at this photo going, "That's IT! OLYMPICS HERE I COME."