Miley and Liam

The blue manicure was a game attempt at reminding us all she's still a kid.

Miley Cyrus

Doesn't this feel like a thousand things you've seen before? And NONE of which were things you loved? At first I thought maybe we could extend the top of the dress all the way down and it'd help, but that's STILL going to be stuffy. This is pretty much a rebuild. Yes, Dynasty is forever, but only in spirit, and in my DVD player. There needs to be some youth to the front.

Miley Cyrus

Certain elements of the back are pretty. I like the buttons. I don't even hate various bits and pieces; I just don't like the whole they add up to. Like sushi. Deep-fry me some shrimp and hand me some avocado and rice and I'm not mad at you, but tie it up in some seaweed and bathe it in wasabi and make it an uncomfortably large one-bite and I'm going to have a problem. And yes, I realize I'm the only person in L.A. who hates both sushi and flip-flops, but such is me. More room at Katsuya for you.

Miley Cyrus

Parenthetically, Miley is REALLY hanging on tight to this one.

Miley and Kelly

AND to this one, although Kelly is at least more expressive about it. Maybe they will be my next project. First Katy Perry and Rihanna -- Perhanna, right? -- and then Cybourne.

Oscar Fug Carpet: Miley Cyrus

With Miley, I always feel like the angel of doom -- the frequent bearer of bad news, wherein I attempt to cushion yet another in a string of blows by focusing on the positive first. Like, I'm still loving the haircut. Liam Hemsworth is still making that facial expression. (You know the one. It's... the one. At this point I'd be bereft without it.) Miley's makeup is great; it emphasizes her eyes so stunningly. And she's not wearing an acid-washed lady infection, which is happy for everyone who does not make Monistat for a living. But the dress itself is... not my cup of Earl Grey. I wish it were. Growing up from teen star to rebellious crackpot to mature young lady is not a fun transition to make in private, much less in public, but there is plenty of ground between Xanadu buttocks and Helen Mirren. Although I think even Helen Mirren would have left this on the "no" pile for being too stuffy. [Photos: Getty]