19th Annual Elton John AIDS Foundation's Oscar Viewing Party

Unusual, and younger than her...er, usual. Don't believe me? Please join me and Seal in a short, two slide play I call Hayden Pantywaist: THE HORROR.

Elton John AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing Party

SEAL: Hayden! THANK GOD. YOU'RE ALIVE. ALIVE!

HAYDEN: Why wouldn't I be?

SEAL: DID YOU SEE WHAT YOU WORE LAST WEEK?

HAYDEN: Was it terrible?

SEAL: Hideous! So old lady that I had you marked FOR DEATH. I figured I'd be looking for a kiss from a rose on YOUR grave.

HAYDEN: Those aren't the lyrics --

SEAL: Whatever. LOOK AT THIS:

4th Annual Hollywood Domino Gala

HAYDEN: DEAR GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S AWFUL. NO WONDER WE'RE TALKING IN ALL CAPS ABOUT IT.

SEAL: I TOLD YOU. LOOK AWAY. IT BURNS.

HAYDEN: My Oscar dress IS spectacular in comparison.

SEAL: Yes, that's the upside.

Oscars Better-Played Party: Hayden Panettiere

You know, this may look just generically pretty to you -- which it is, if you don't know what the hell else The Cheerleader has been up to over the last week or so. I hope you took your iron supplements because you're going to have to be strong to take what happens at the end of this story.