Helena Bonham Carter
This is the part where I say, "Damn, she's still a looker, even with Period Film Sex Head."
Helena Bonham Carter
"But it's not ENOUGH, really is it? It's missing my usual PANACHE."
Helena Bonham Carter
"Oh, hark! What might this be?"
Helena Bonham Carter
"It's a garter! But what you don't know is that it's also a luggage tag."
Helena Bonham Carter
"It says, 'If found, return to: ENGLAND. They'll take it from there.'"
Helena Bonham Carter
Aw. But doesn't this kind of melt your heart? They're each others' lobsters, y'all. Wait -- shoot. I shouldn't have said that, because they might get the idea to DRESS as lobsters next time, which... you know what? Never mind. I'd be fine with that.
Oscars HBC Carpet: She Who Need Not Be Named
If you haven't seen this Vulture piece on all the glorious things Helena Bonham Carter has brought to this awards season, you must -- especially the video of her BAFTA acceptance speech, which includes a reference to the activities of her underskirt. Watch that and then tell me she doesn't look like she'd be a laugh at a dive bar over some sodden pretzels and a Duvel. Although HBC did not commit any catastrophic crimes against global retinas -- as she had suggested she might -- she did at least bring a light dusting of crazeballs, and that's all I really needed to cheer me up on an overall really, really boring red carpet. She sort of looks like a Shakespeare production that's been run through a paper shredder. And that's really what Helena is: a treasure, slightly disheveled, like she's been buried for a while and somebody only just dug her up because the map was really hard to read and somebody -- ahem, Johnny Depp -- spilled rum on it.