Florence Pugh in Jean Paul Gaultier

You are going to think I'm crazy, but on the runway, they styled this with gloves and big ol' cream earrings, and I think it looked better?!? Well, and better lighting. The fabric is so unremarkable, though, and the peplum just looks like dishwater. This is not great framing for her nipples. It's just... sorta boring.

Julia Fox in Dsquared2

Is this dress basically... hanging around her neck? We probably do need to free these nipples. I don't think they're happy.

Charli XCX

I've decided ALL of these are tributes to John Cena and the whole Oscars streaker bit.

Anitta in Fendi

I am truly fascinated by whether this is hoisting her boobs up and holding them in place. Like... is this basically long-form chain-mail underwire? And is there CHAFING?

Annie Gonzalez

She's one of the leads in the Flamin' Hot Cheetos movie, and this is such a missed opportunity for Jeremy Scott to come out of retirement and make an homage to Cheeto dust., or a dress out of the packaging.

Charlize Theron in dior

This is dull to me and something I feel like I've seen before; if I HAVE seen it before, then I like it BETTER because at least that means she's going archival. Having said that: Am I loony, or is that thing in the middle at her waist like a tiny beaded Eiffel Tower?

Victoria Monet in Harris Reed

This is basically like slamming your boobs against a very elaborate sneezeguard.

Ice Spice in D&G

Today "D&G" stands for "DOH" & "GAH."

Vanessa Hudgens

This woman DOES love a dramatic sheer cape moment. This outfit is for anyone who didn't watch the telecast and missed her reveal. This is the double-down.

I cannot imagine trusting my pregnant body with just a pair of underpants and a transparent drape.

Emily Ratajkowski in Jacquemus

Reader, I snorted. This did not seem to get quite so far away from the model who wore it on the runway. It's intentionally off-kilter, but not as MUCH.

This looks like such a weird pain to WEAR. On a fundamental convenience level, was this worth it to make... whatever visual statement she wanted to make? IS there a visual statement except, "My sideboob WILL ESCAPE"?

And it really did seem to want to.

The 96th Academy Awards - Vanity Fair Party - Los Angeles

I know it is crazy that I got so many pics of it, and in that sense, congratulations, Emily and Jacquemus, you win! But she did not seem to know how to model it.

I mean... she is a professional commercial and runway model, and this is the best energy she can muster? This whole thing maybe was a bad whim.

Alexandra Shipp in Monot

That is like... a low-rise bikini skirt that married a box of Hanes panty-hose.

Laverne Cox

This dress comes pre-installed with crash protection on her hips.

Emma Caulfield and Mark Ford

She looks thrilled.

Halle Bailey in Off White

I thought this was more see-through than it actually is, but we're here now. Also, THE PATTERN IS BIKE WHEELS.

Mary Bonnet

Just another Tuesday for Mary, who is probably on her way to show someone a condo.

Paula Abdul

This is not super naked, of course -- this gallery is a sliding scale of nudity -- but I feel like FOR PAULA that is a lot of Jolie leg.

Lydia Bielen

I am very surprised no one accidentally captioned her as Nicola Peltz Beckham.

Alicia Silverstone

This outfit just looks kinda... like it broke, or like someone late the night before burned the hell out of the pants and had to improvise with the help of some unclaimed goods at a local dry cleaner.

Teresa Palmer

This feels like a similar genre to Charlize's, but I like it betteer.

Izzy Metz

Honey, you do NOT have to wear whatever that weird Ghost Fisherman told you to.

Paris Jackson

I JUST noticed that she seems to have... white flowers on the backs of her shoulders? I guess that's better than being glued randomly to her boobs.

Sabrina Carpenter

At first I thought the light was hitting this weirdly, but I think the bottom part is acually beige? The top of the skirt is sheer. And the whole of it is perplexing.

Kendall Jenner in Maison Margiela

Kendall had them add something that would cover the nipples; on the runway, they were shining bright. Color me surprised! The dress is hideous to me, but her face looks phenomenal.

Trace Lysette

"But Heather," you may wonder... and before you can finish, I will chortle and say...

"BUTT WHAT?"

Hello, Nipples, My Old Friends

Welcome to the Oscars post-parties.