Sharon Stone

"Do we think I can convince Elton John that I never wanted to do to the Oscars ANYWAY and I only showed up there because somebody begged me because I am America's sweetheart? Yes, because let's face it, Elton is so tired lately with his newborn that I could tell him I'm a Rocket Man and he'd be like, 'Yeah, it's lonely out in space.' Of course, it's not lonely out in my space, although I'm told it is lonely on MySpace. Does anyone have a white wine spritzer? No? Do we think Ryan Seacrest will make me a quick drink?"

Sharon Stone

"Do we think, though, that even if I didn't want to go to the stinking stupid Oscar show in the first place, I will cut the bitch who left my name off the seating chart and then pierce her ears with an ice pick and then nail her to a barrel I leave on the Santa Monica Pier? PROBABLY. None of you know. I am a mystery only Angela Lansbury could solve. Why did my ex-husband get bitten by a dragon? You tell me, Angela. YOU TELL ME."

Sharon Stone

"Do we think I could wrestle these little whippersnappers with my pinky and a whip made of cherry stems I knotted with my labia? Yes. Because I am, that's right, SHARON FREAKING STONE. I am the alpha and omega. This raven here quoth 'Nevermore' before diving into my collarbone. I snort Poe in my spare time. The cask of Amontillado contains my moisturizer. I hide organs under the floorboards. ... Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right: Young people. They really are the future."

Sharon Stone

"Do I look like the aunt Katy Perry just discovered owns a Pier 1 in Ojai? Maybe, although I might actually own a Pier 1 in Ojai. It's hard to tell sometimes. True story: I once woke up in a patio umbrella with three male strippers who flossed my teeth with a wicker chair. Kids, always pass out in chain stores! Is there any brandy here?"

Sharon Stone

"Do we think I have a fetish for looking like THE place to die for a bird? Yes. Do we think this picture is only really in this slideshow to provide a buffer between Oscar coverage and this old picture from January that somehow never made it on GFY and yet aches to be shared? YES. And can I get a Tom Collins? I will also accept a man named Tom Collins, as long as he doesn't have a ferret. Kids, learn from the master."

Sharon Stone

"Do we think Jamiroquai wants a sidekick? Because I'm available. On either side. AND I kick."

Oscars Weekend (And Beyond) Sharon Stone Carpet: Sharon Stone

"Hello, everyone. Yes, it's me, Sharon, just popping by the Oscars red carpet on my way to Elton John's viewing party -- at which we will be watching, on TV, the event outside of which I am currently standing. Is that weird? Yes. Does it smell like I'm doing a drive-by just to get my picture taken as much as possible? Yes. Do we wonder why I was invited to this but not to the actual ceremony? Yes. Do we think I am telling people that I was invited but chose not to go inside because I am Sharon f'ing Stone, and I don't sit around in rooms with people who aren't giving me statuettes? OF COURSE. Do we think security asked for my name and I ID'd myself Basic Instinct style? Yes, because that is my driver's license photo. That's right, officer. Pull me over and let's play Find the Infraction. Kiss kiss."