Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
And we begin with a very ornate medieval-looking boob prison.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
In France, this is what mechanics wear.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
MORE overalls/coveralls. Is "Balmain" secretly French for "carburetor"?
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Leather overalls are JUST what Rihanna needs right now.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
You guys, seriously, how many Balmain employees had vehicular breakdowns fixed by insufficiently fashionable people?!?
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
At least this one is a skirt. Does NOBODY remember how annoying it is to navigate overalls in a bathroom?
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Hi, J.Lo.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Who would do off-the-shoulder like that, do we think? Rooney?
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
1986 Mob Wife. En route to jazzercize.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
It's never good when your Cosby sweater looks like it's caught a disease.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
It's SPREADING. (Visually, though, this is at least the coolest of this family of looks.)
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
"Welcome to my pelvis pretzel."
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Those pants are so bad. I can't. The whole thing looks like flannel PJs, but the pants are beyond unflattering.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Gwynnie! Gwynnie! Gwynnie!
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Oh, let's see, who's girlier but still has offbeat taste... Emma Watson?
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
This is one of those looks that I enjoy coming down a runway but would never wear it in real life, unless I were a French modelesque woman who ran her own business empire. So, basically, if I were someone else entirely.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Houndstooth leggings and a bodysuit are EXACTLY what's missing from my life.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Quilted denim? I don't want my jeans to have anything in common with my paper towels.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
But at least the cut of the other one was okay. It's even worse in dated lemon. Make it stop.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Even Karlie Kloss is not selling me that skirt.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Announcing Daenerys Targaryen's Day Off, a story about a 1980s-era dragon owner who decides to ditch.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Stockholm Syndrome: I don't hate this, but only because of everything else.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Okay, we're cooking with a BIT more gas here...
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
And, for your pleasure -- or pain -- here are some shoe close-ups.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
Also available in black.
Balmain: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2014
And in Madonna.