Versace: Naomi Campbell, Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
The caption on this photo was "A model walks the runway..." and I'm thinking, "No. THE model. THAT IS NAOMI CAMPBELL, GOOD SIR OR MADAM." She's fierce enough that you almost overlook that Versace, as a brand, feels like a massive punk cartoon now.
Naomi Campbell
Seriously, she can sell this enough that I'm like, "Sure, that works, okay." Because this, at least, isn't really trying to be anything other than lingerie.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Whereas this is pretending it's an actual pantsuit, and not the costume in a SWINTON/David Bowie orgy fantasy.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This person is at that orgy, supervising and maintaining the sex swings.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
And this is trying to be a dress, but looks like an elaborate electric breast fence.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
How long before Halle Berry wears this? Well, wait, I suppose she'll probably try and hang on until after she has the baby. So.... let's say eight weeks after she gives birth.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Peekaboob!
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
It is not any better in the cocktail version. There really is no such thing as "cocktail nipples" and "formal nipples."
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Grover, this is not an appropriate way to treat a woman.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
No.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This model reminds me enough of Hilary Swank that I'm starting to hope she busts out this outfit at one of those random for-pay foreign events she often attends.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Let's see, who needs to go balls-out crazy pretty soon... Hmm. Amy Adams.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
A model walks the runway during Versace show as part of Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture Fall/Winter 2013-2014 at on June 30, 2013 in Paris, France.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This looks like Edward Scissorhands tried to feel her up in the bathroom.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Okay, now we're in business. Bring it, Anne Hathaway.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Eh. We are in less business now. We are a struggling business.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
And we might now be having a Going Out Of Business sale.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
And now we've been evicted for not paying rent and they're turning our old storefront into a Chase Bank.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
At least the coats are hot.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
I mean, how good is that? It's so dramatic. So really, the problem is when you can see the Versace CLOTHES, it's terrible, but when you're sticking to outerwear then we're peachy.
Versace: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
And here's a close-up of the shoes, which you know I hate because of all the plastic. SQUISH ISN'T SEXY.