Pippa Middleton

This is how she arrived at the party -- with the cropped jacket over her dress, and the man she's dating, Nico Jackson, whom Jessica calls "potentially a bounder," and who to me looks kind of like Eric Stoltz in this photo. Anyway, because of the jacket, my eyes go straight to her groin, and how there are various genital-looking things happening in all that detail work. My internal Rorschach detects traces of BOTH genitalia, actually, depending on where you look. I just... let's keep our Middletalia on the inside.

Pippa Middleton

And here is the full dress. Which is no better. The whole thing feels like Harlot Couture, a little -- like what all the fancy designers were making back in the day for the more sophisticated executrices of wanton dark deeds. It's... a Muddleton. ZING.

Pippa Middleton

From the back, don't you just wish it were a cocktail dress? Although perhaps without the pseudo necktie. It does point straight to her most celebrated area; maybe she's trying to win back England's affections with a little sartorial signage.

Pippa Middlefug

You know, I feel for Pippa. It must be INCREDIBLY weird to have become famous first because of who your sister was dating; then because of who your sister was engaged to; then because of what your bum looked like at the wedding; and then suddenly have the tables turn. Obviously she is responsible for her own mistakes -- no one forced her to write that party-planning book, nor hang out with that douchelord in France who made the gun gesture at a paparazzo -- but the entire thing must be bizarre. It probably feels like, "We loved your butt, but WE HATE YOUR BRAIN," which would be upsetting even to the calmest of people. Having said all that... this is not a wise choice, and her brain may need to take a nap. [Photos: Getty]