Sad & Handsome

I just wanted to start with James Norton's face. So sad. So stoic. So very very very very hot. I just want to throw my face against his face.

Words & History

Okay, back to the beginning. I love it when shows begin with a helpful chyron letting us know where -- and when -- we are, and what Napoleon may or may not be up to.

Rivers & Buildings

Additionally, it is beyond me how this show isn't sponsored by Viking River Cruises. THERE'S A RIVER RIGHT THERE.

Mulder & Scully

You guys, there will be a time when The X-Files and War & Peace will be on at the same time, and I can only imagine that at some point I'm going to get confused that Scully is holding a variety of salons for upper-crust Russians. (Stephen Rea, by the way, is kind of a hoot in this role, as a grasping, plotty plotter.)

Angelina & James

These are his kids and they're totally banging. I'd like to note that Tuppence Middleton looks very pretty -- this dress is great -- but she's SO CLOSE to wearing a menorah on her head here.

Hats & Capes

I have to wonder what the hat budget was for this mini-series. My guess is approximately A SHITLOAD. Just you wait. JUST YOU WAIT.

Empty Chairs & Empty Tables

So, Pierre -- just seen in his spotted waistcoat -- has lived a life of debauchery in his time, despite also being a kind of nerdy dude who has a LOT of Political Thoughts that he can't stop sharing with people. And this vision of the parties he once attended made me worry that whomever was in charge of staging this scene has never BEEN to a party. RARELY do people sing to a window that's been liberated from its frame. This looks like the marriage of Les Mis and Love It Or List It.

Family & Friends

In the book, Natasha -- Lily James, there in the middle -- is like 12 in this scene. Aging her up for the mini-series was wise. And it's nice that she looks so happy here, because SPOILER she is going to GO THROUGH SOME STUFF in the next three weeks. War & Peace really is very very VERY dishy, you guys. Tolstoy often goes for THE MOST soap operatic choice possible and for that I salute him.

Sad & Mopey

Sonya here is Natasha's Sad Orphan Clown Cousin and in case you forgot that, they've made her wear this hideous thing so you remember. NO ONE but a Sad Orphan Clown of a Cousin in a dishy novel would wear that combination of patterns.

Kissing & Greenhouses

She DOES, at least, get to make out with her cousin -- who's a bit of a prat - in the greenhouse, though, and I'd like to thank this show for wasting no time and getting directly to people making out in bushes. These two hours also brought us someone getting stabbed (in battle, but still), duels being challenged, incest, and people screwing on a table, so don't ever say Tolstoy never did anything for you.

Dying & Nightcaps

Pierre's father dies -- CONVENIENTLY -- and legitimizes him, leaving him a title and a vast fortune, and it was at this point that I said to Heather, "Tolstoy spins a good yarn." It's very smart to introduce your sort of sad sack-y but idealistic protagonist who (it seems) is about to get cheated out of his inheritance...and then give it to him and see what happens. I know that "Tolstoy is a good writer" is hardly a revolutionary statement, but I think that often "old Russian books" starts to mean "dense, boring homework," and certainly [from what I recall] parts of W&P ARE a bit dense, but my personal opinion is that its place in the canon as one of the greatest novels ever is legit. It's highly entertaining. Also, as you can see, there are night caps of the literal variety.

Brooding & Dreamy

YOU ARE SO HANDSOME AND YOU ARE SO SAD.

Office Decor & Robes

Jim Broadbent plays Andrei's father, and he has a wonderful housecoat and a very eccentric office, which I love. I will also note that I think Jim Broadbent is the platonic ideal of a lovely and loving paternal figure for me. (Even in Moulin Rouge, he feels BAD about selling Nicole Kidman, more or less, to the Duke.) When he cries, I cry.

Caps & Caftans

We also need to talk about what Natasha's parents are wearing around the house. LOOK AT THEM. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Suddenly, I want tea from a samovar.

Paintings & B-Roll

HIDEOUS.

Extras & Hats

"Harvey! How much did you spend on this?!?!" "Leave me alone. I know what I'm doing."

Feathers & Horses

It takes a lot of man to look THIS HANDSOME in a hat THIS DUMB.

Coats & Jackets

I'd also like to note that I basically own one of those jackets, from back when J Crew was really good and also ripping off Chanel, and HOW CUTE would these look with jeans? Just saying.

Chandeliers & Moldings

LOOK AT THIS ROOM! (I have this variety of molding on my bedroom walls. Just...much, much, much less gloriously.)

Brothers & Sisters

THESE TWO ARE BROTHER AND SISTER. I just felt the need to remind you of that.

Scully & Doggett

"So, Pierre, tell me. Do YOU think the chupacabra is real? Because I'm skeptical."

Headbands & Cleavage

Brother-lover Helene ALSO loves a headpiece, remember? Get ready, because this is very low-key compared to what she's going to drag out later.This is...VERY Lady Mary-adjacent.

Drawing Rooms & China

I also just wanted you to know that Natasha's family -- in addition to wearing all kinds of intriguing house coats and caftans -- ALSO has a really stellar collection of vases.

Handsome & Thoughtful

"Wait, what am I doing here?" "Just stand in the field, James, and look REAL SAD. And handsome. Handsome and sad." "Do I need to say anything?" "NO. HOLD YOUR FACE STILL."

Furs & Hats

Now that Pierre is rich, Stephen Rea is forcing Helene to make him fall in love with her, because he's a very good match now. That apparently involves a LOT of fur turbans, and god bless. It's not a Russian Soap Opera without an incredibly high fur hat budget.

HATS & MORE HATS

Russian seduction in 1805 apparently also involved tricorne hats. Which seem so Napoleonic to me, and ergo sort of like -- for the Russians -- deciding to go out wearing a Hitler mustache, but maybe they're only associated with Napoleon now because he won, and were actually just generally in style at the time. LOOK. WE LEARNED STUFF.

Lipstick & Brooches

That is a great cameo pin. It is also at this dinner that Helene's father just up and announces to everyone that she and Pierre are ENGAGED! Even though he never asked. That is some BOLD social maneuvering, because if the gentleman in question admits he hasn't asked....well, everyone is in a mess. Including, I suppose, him.

Sad & Nightshirt-y

"I'm writing a letter?" "Yes, to your wife that you don't really care about. But you do feel BAD that you don't care about her." "Why am I writing to her?" "Because you're pretty sure you're going to die the next day and also you basically kinda really want to die. Whatever you do, don't forget: LOOK HANDSOME. Also sad." "I KNOW."

Earrings & Headpieces

Sigh and swoon. LOOK AT WHAT SHE'S WEARING ON HER HEAD, YOU GUYS. It's huge, and it's tremendous, and somewhere, another Middleton snorts that she's REAL relieved it never came to this for HER.

Furniture & Wallpaper

LOOK AT THESE MATCHING GIANT DRESSERS! LOOK AT THAT BED ALCOVE! Can I change my art-deco Spanish style Los Angeles apartment into a salute to early 19th century Russian style now? Is that feasible? I HAVE THE MOLDING and also a fur hat?

WHAT & THE EFF

And VOILA. Obviously, we need to talk about Helene's head. I don't know if this is a nightcap, or if this is something she wears under a wig or while she's doing her make-up or...what????? Suffice to day, IT'S AMAZING and also hideous and also confusing, which is basically everything I want from costumes in a period piece.

Dressing Gowns & Mustaches

Now you know the truth: I only recap shows where people wear fantastic dressing gowns.

Left Boob & Right Boob

A lot of cleav for dinner from Helene here. She's very subtle, no? This is nearly lingerie. Which I suppose is apt, as Helene is basically a nymphomaniac, but honestly. She COULD dial it down a notch? People are trying to eat.

Eyebrows & Mutton Chops

This is Dolokhov, Pierre's friend who ends up sleeping with Helene (ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE, in a scene that was definitely not in the book, but good for them), and you guys? I keep thinking this guy is Jack Black (he is not, obviously). It kind of ruins the mood. No disrespect to Jack Black. But can Jack Black survive a duel with Paul Dano, which is OBVIOUSLY going to happen given that Jack Black has banged Pail Dano's wife among the good china? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK.

Fug the Show: War & Peace, Part 1

First: I have read War and Peace, but fifteen years ago, so I fully admit that I can't remember everything that happens, although it all started to come back to me while I watched this. (Is this the one where Tolstoy waxes poetic for PAGES AND PAGES about, like, corn farming, while you're all, "can we please get back to Andrei and Natasha???" As complain-y as that sounds, btw, the book is actually quite good. Apparently this Tolstoy person knows what he's doing) That said, I really enjoyed this. I am, as you know, very partial to programming that involves people having romantical problems during olden times of war, and it's beautifully shot and clearly cost a fortune. Also: a couple was making out in a bush at the fifteen minute mark, so that bodes well (she's of the Truly Good But Sad Relation Who's A Bit of a Drip genre, and he runs off and shares a prostitute with his commanding officer and lies about his own bravery in battle before learning Some Hard Truths, so it perhaps doesn't bode well for them specifically at the moment, but you feel me). Second: This thing is airing in giant two hour blocks and a lot happens and I have only so many hours in the day, so this is going to be less of a blow-by-blow Downton-style recap and more of a look at the DRESSES and the SCENERY and the FURS and the JEWELS and the HIDEOUS HATS and the JAMES NORTONS or else my fingers might fall off. Third: Here's your plot for episode one: Everyone's worried about Napoleon/going off to try to fight him, and war is both hell, and, in this iteration, involves a lot of funny hats. Also hell: Being a woman in 1805 because your entire life is about which dude you're going to either get to, or be forced to, marry. Other notes: 1. Paul Dano is really disarming, and charming, especially considering that his character, Pierre, has A LOT of life problems (illegitimate, emotionally sensitive, a bit wishy-washy, maybe once got involved in a bear-baiting ring, very nearly cheated out of his rightful enormous inheritance, then SUPER RICH even though he feels ethically torn about it, in love with a variety of women who don't return the favor or MAYBE DO but only because he's terrifically rich now, engaged quasi-against his will at a dinner party then sort of sexually rejected by his wife who really just wants to bang her own brother/does bang his friend who then REALLY rubs it in his face, a looming duel over the aforementioned, etc). I do wish they'd let Americans use our actual accent when everyone is supposed to be Russian anyway. Not that his British accent is bad -- it's actually quite natural -- and I understand that they want some kind of...consistency of accent, and obviously, this is for the BBC, so it makes sense that they'd opt for their own accent. It's just rather amusing that he had to polish up a British accent for a project about Russians. 2. James Norton is GREAT at the Incredibly Handsome Very Sad Man With a British Accent, which is one of my favorite Man Genres. He's very VERY good casting as Prince Andrei, whose problems include: Terrible TERRIBLE sadness, having to wear a goofy hat, Handsome Weariness, being married to someone he's not in love with and feeling real guilty about it, The Hell That Is War, being presumed maybe dead, and dealing with twerps on a nearly constant basis. (He also gets bayoneted to all creation in battle, but this gives him a bit of a spiritual awakening, so perhaps that stabby-pokey bit was a blessing.) 3. Tuppence Middleton -- "NO RELATION," squawks Kate from somewhere inside a zucchini plant in her garden in Norfolk -- eye-bangs literally everyone with whom she shares a scene, which is an acting choice I always kind of appreciate. Her character, Helene, is also (it is implied) literally bang-banging her own brother. Her problems include: her puppeteer father forcing her to marry Pierre for his money even though she thinks Pierre is a raging dork (Helene really needs to realize that she could very easily have been forced to marry a rich asshole and enjoy being married to a raging dork who, at least for now, adores her), a husband who cares about peasants and ridiculously wants her to have a baby, one TRULY AWFUL headpiece, and being in love with (or, at least, sexual thrall to) her own brother. 4. Lily James seems to have made a strange choice with her own accent in that she occasionally sounds sort of down-market and not as posh as she did on Downton? And I know Natasha's family is a sort of...B List Aristocracy, but are we at a point where we are making British accent choices to communicate something about Russian characters? Anyway Natasha's problems include unsuccessful bangs and always having to cheer up the poor relation who lives with them who's in love with her commitment-phobe brother.