Princess Anne
Oh, Anne. Is this really the only photo our service had of you? Can you have this person arrested for treason? [Note: Please don't have this person arrested for treason.][Although now that the Tower of London is a tourist attraction and not a threat, it doesn't sound as scary to be arrested for treason.][But I bet it comes with a spot on the no-fly list.][And that would suck.][So let's go back do, don't arrest this person for treason. Maybe just glare at him/her next time you are in the same room.]
Queen Elizabeth II
If I were Queen, I would outlaw the use of the phrase, "Marm." I mean, I know it's probably "Mum" or "Maam," but everyone seems to pronounce it like it rhymes with "chicken parm," and where's the fun in THAT? Either call me Chicken Parm, like, "Greetings, Chicken Parm, the Prime Minister called, and your grandson Harry has been caught shenaniganizing again," or just call me something sensible, like.... my name. Or QEII. Or Dame Heather Ticky Cocksskitt, which is what E!'s name randomizer said I'd be called if I were British royalty.
Queen Anne Marie of Greece
Poor Queen Anne Marie. Clearly, she did not run her dress motif past ol' Chicken Parm, and will be chastised accordingly. Her punishment? Not exporting any feta cheese, which means she will be STUCK EATING IT in EXCESS for many years. (Can you tell I don't like feta cheese? Blech, and also, it doesn't work on a chicken parm.)
Queen Sofia of Spain
Now THAT is getting totted up for a party! She's got on at least two scarves. It kind of reminds me of something from The King & I. Maybe a bunch of children will run out from underneath her skirt. Exciting! Party favors!
Camilla
I love the mischievous look on Camilla's face here. Like, 'Hello, Mr. Photographer. You know and I know that Charles will not abdicate his spot in the succession for William. I really want to go to a coronation and have it be for MY husband. MINE ALL MINE. Also, try the crumpets, they're heaven."
Camilla and Charles
But seriously, how cute are they? I'm a sucker for true love. And as much as it's sad that Chuck and Di divorced and split up their family, and that it happening led to a lot of ugliness, clearly Charles and Camilla are each other's lobsters and I think it's great that he's finally with the person he was MEANT to be with CUE THE VIOLINS AND THE CHERUBS.
Some Rando
This person did not have a name in the photo caption. Who needs a name, when you are dressed as an Elizabethan clown? She will forever be known as Dame Torso Laffypants.
Prince Pavlos & Princess Marie-Chantal of Greece
Eh. This dress is boring and I'm too tired (and WIRED!111!) for that. It washes her out and she's too pretty for that. Gwynnie does that sometimes too. And she's royalty, right? So that's two things they have in common. Three if you count hair color.
Queen Margrethe II of Denmark
So, this lady unwittingly caused a change in the Danish constitution to allow women to ascend to the throne (because it became clear her parents weren't going to have any male children), and is also apparently an accomplished painter whose illustrations appeared in the 1977 and 2002 Danish-language printings of Lord of the Rings, she is apparently also a gifted costumer, and she's had both knees replaced. In short, she is badass and when is Helen Mirren going to play her?
Katharine, Duchess of Kent
I've always loved the Duchess of Kent, from all my years watching her hand out the Wimbledon trophy to the ladies' winner. She's been absent lately, with rumors of everything from chronic fatigue to dementia to a long-undiagnosed celiac disease. To me, she will always be the person on whose shoulder Jana Novotna collapsed weeping after she tanked in the final. Sigh. And now she is wearing those crazeballs kitten heels that don't really look all that comfortable. Oh well.
Grand Duke & Duchess of Luxembourg
That dress is more dramatic than anything about about Luxembourg. I feel like Meryl Streep wishes she'd worn that to the Oscars one year.
Prince Daniel & Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden
Apparently poor Victoria here was anorexic, so she moved to the US to attend Yale and get treatment anonymously, without tabloid pressure. That is kind of genius. And she looks gorgeous and healthy, so good on her. I love that dress. I have nothing funny to add.
Princess Eugenie
Aw, Eugenie looks so pretty. I remember when she was born. She and the fam lived just up the road from my house in Wentworth. It was very exciting.
Princess Beatrice
This is a hot freaking mess that looks like someone put the tin-foil swan of leftovers into the microwave and it is in the process of exploding. HOWEVER, the lovely Beatrice wore a hilarious fascinator to Easter services and I need to show it to you.
Princess Beatrice, Easter services
SHE WORE THE EASTER BUNNY TO EASTER MASS. I could not love it more if it had teeth.
Sophie, Countess of Wessex, Easter services
Sophie, wife of Prince Edward, wore this feather pinwheel to Easter mass. I wonder if there is any research indicating that British blue-bloods who wear lots of intrusive hats end up with more wonked-up vision than the rest of us. I'm going to do that study right now. ... Wait for it... Yep, it's official, it's true.
Sophie, Countess of Wessex
I like this on Sophie, though, but the TAN LINES. GIRLFRIEND. HRH Chicken Parm is not going to be pleased with that.
Catherine "Kate" Middleton
But what of the bride? Well, this is what she wore as she was photographed going to The Goring, the hotel she used as her home base. I'm not loving those wedges but her outfit is cute, her hair is fantastic, and she looks so happy and excited. And if she can still be happy and excited in the face of the ENORMITY of the task of being a royal bride -- or if she can fake it that convincingly -- then I suspect she is going to do just fine. Yay. Good luck, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.