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Start Of Invictus Games Selection Process

"And THEN I was like, 'dammit, Cressida, if I have to hear that bloody Arctic Monkeys song one more time I will go completely MENTAL,' and SHE was like, 'maybe I don't care if you DO,' and then she threw a pair of overalls at me! Right at my head!"

Start Of Invictus Games Selection Process

"I don't know, mate. Maybe we will get back together? The problem is that I'm totally in love with Kate -- I MEAN KALE I'M IN LOVE WITH KALE. And Cressida hates cruciferous vegetables. It's never going to work out. Right? No. I have to go over there now THANKS FOR YOUR WISE COUNSEL."

Start Of Invictus Games Selection Process

"On the other hand, I AM going to a WEDDING this weekend SINGLE in a FOREIGN LAND known for its FRIENDLY RESIDENTS. I think I will make it though this rough time."

Princess Anne Attends Ascot Races

Princess Anne is doubtful. About ALL of this. Nay, ALL OF US. Also, she has crimes to solve. Criminals to catch. Gotta go.

Princess Letizia of Spain Visits 'Maria Moliner' School

I sort of feel like if Anne is the Law, then Letizia is the Order.

Queen Elizabeth II Visits Wales

I just want you to read this sentence: "Queen Elizabeth II is shown how her Christmas crackers are made during a visit to International Greetings UK Ltd...in Ystrad Mynach." I love everything about that. She appears delighted, but who ISN'T delighted in the face of the making of Christmas crackers? I love crackers. Also: Welsh Fug Nationals, how would one pronounce "Ystrad Mynach"?

The Queen And Duke Of Edinburgh Visit Wales

This horse is QUITE sure her Majesty has treats.

Sophie Wessex

This color is lovely, but I am unsure about the dropped waist. Not as flattering as it could be, yes?

Kate on the June 2014 Tatler Cover

This is not new -- it's a photo from 2012, when she wore that stunning Jenny Packham -- and one of my favorite things about Tatler is that they WILL put you on the cover even if you don't sit for a photo, and they WILL choose a great picture of you, too. (I don't know why that photo has a weird effect where it looks like she's vaguely textured; in person, it looks normal.) Anyway, as ever, the cover lines are brilliant. RETURN OF THE TROPHY WIFE: THIS TIME, SHE'S IN CHARGE -- that sounds like the title and tagline of a Jackie Collins book. One I would read. Of course, there's also a story about notorious aristos and 10 surefire ways to tell if I'm a slut. (I can't wait to go buy this at the newsstand up the street and find out they mean "slut" as in the very old school meaning of "slovenly.") And FYI? Online they have extra outfits for your Kate Paper Doll including a rasher of bacon and a King Crab. Never change, Tatler.

The Colleagues' 26th Annual Spring Luncheon - Arrivals

(a) her oven appears to be bunless.

b) this event was literally ten minutes from my house and I had no idea. I could have been lurking around the elevators, waiting to sneak into one with her and offer her sanctuary in Fug Territory. Also to chat about her shoe choices.

Belgium Royals Visit Norway Royals

SO CLOSE to a cape, Queen Mathilde! So close! Just embrace it!

King Philippe and Queen Mathilde

I actually really like this dress.

The Netherlands Celebrate Kings Day In De Rijp

This holiday seems festive! (And a good excuse to link to our coverage of King Willem-Alexander's inauguration last year, which was full of hats and wackiness.)

The Netherlands Celebrate Kingsday In Amstelveen

The kids are: Princess Catharina-Amalia, Princess Ariane, and Princess Alexia. They are very cute and one day will refuse to wear matching outfits and one of them will probably run off with a ski instructor, because that's just how these things work out. But with any luck it will be a kind and wonderful ski instructor so, you know, happy ending. I love that Maxima just seriously wears whatever she wants. That said, I like that dress.

King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima

Her hat looks like a pastry. God, I'm hungry right now.

Prince Maurits and Princess Marilene

There was A LOT of big hair at this event. To Wikipedia! Maurits is a cousin of W-A and...neither one of them has apparently ever done anything scandalous, which is a terrible disappointment. Maybe her hair is hoarding her secrets.

Princess Beatrix

That is also a LID on the former Queen.

Princess Aimee (L) and Princess Anita

BOTH of these two look sassy and colorful and fun, which makes up for the fact that apparently, per Wikipedia, neither of them speaks to trees or has caused a governmental coup for love.

Princess Laurentien and Prince Constantijn

Laurentien looks cute! She has a masters from Cal and ALSO has no delicious scandals on her Wikipedia, which is most disappointing. All I can find out about him is that he's a lawyer and he likes golf and they're all adorably coordinated. OH! BUT! One of his godfathers was a German who was in the SS but then joined the German Resistance and planned to assassinate Hitler via suicide bombing while modeling a new SS uniform, but the train carrying the uniforms was destroyed by an Allied air raid. And THEN he was going to do try to do it again (!), but he lost one of his legs (!) and with it the opportunity to model for/kill Hitler! THAT is what I'm talking about. THAT is a story. THANK YOU WIKIPEDIA!

Royals Round-Up, May 2, 2014
WELL. We have A LOT to discuss. The Netherlands celebrated Kings' Day with hats and a variety of tertiary royals (my favorite kind, including one with a connection to a dramatic tale of the German Resistance); Princess Charlene does not look pregnant, despite our (my) speculations; and finally and most gossip-worthy and let's just get to the juicy stuff: THE SCRUNCHIES HAVE LEFT THE PALACE. There is obviously a plethora of speculation about the Harry/Cressida break-up and of course it's all just gossip, but the wide, wide variety of speculative gossip is a delight, and let's not pretend: I love me some royals gossip and I am going to roll around in it like a pig in slop, except with more tea and cake. Let's talk this out. -- I saw the news on People first and the fact that this leaked on William and Kate's wedding anniversary is some cold-ass shade and yes I think that was intentional and deliciously bitchy. People claims that Cressida was "too needy." -- Then! The Telegraph says that they really had a row over Cressida not wanting to splash out cash to go to this wedding in Memphis this weekend if they weren't really going somewhere emotionally -- oh, yes, Fug Nationals of Memphis, a single Harry and a presumably watchdog William are both in your city right now and one of them is probably ready to act out, so get out there and report back; rumor has it that the media is insane there at the moment, and I in fact saw a variety of (unsatisfying so far) paps pics of the both of them, like, climbing in and out of cars and entering a BBQ joint -- and also that she felt freaked out by the attention. Cressida comes out well in this version, and I say that as someone who is totally unmoved by her as a person. Also, you know William is like, "I cannot believe I am this jetlagged still and now I have to keep Harry from getting naked and streaking Graceland with a bunch of bridesmaids. I AM BUT ONE MAN," and then he's all, "why don't you come and help me, Kate?" and Kate is like, "nice try. I have like nine episodes of The Face to watch. The best of British luck, babe. See you Monday!" -- Vanity Fair says Cressida has been given "compassionate leave" at work, which I suspect is ACTUALLY "please go home and wait for this all to cool down, because we're sick of all the photographers hanging about outside" leave, but which is a kindness for her. (I'm not a fan, but I'm sure she would much rather stay home and cry into her box wine right now for a variety of reason.) -- And of course the Daily Mail I KNOW I KNOW has like NINE theories all in the course of one article, some of which directly contradict each other, INCLUDING speculation that Harry isn't over Chelsy Davy; one sentence that I misread so that I had one brilliant moment of believing that Chelsy was also going to this wedding and it would be like an episode of Dynasty up in there; and various eye-raising about what Harry will probably get up to this weekend. SCANDAL! LET'S SPECULATE! -- AND THEN, in a LATE ADD, the Daily Mail I KNOW I KNOW totally reverses the earlier article to note that ACTUALLY Harry is really behaving in Memphis and texting Cressida all the time and they may get back together, an article in which once again Cressida comes out rather well again. Maybe this entire thing will make me like Cressida by the end. Maybe THAT'S the plan. Other stuff: -- We obviously looked back at Wills and Kate's wedding on their anniversary. Gowns! Romance! Tans! -- The Telegraph wrote those two a rather nice Valentine (with a bunch of other interesting bits about loved-up royals of the past). -- People talked to the official New Zealand government photographer, who went to all of W&K's NZ events, and it's quite interesting/heart-warming. -- StyleWatch also has some insight into the woman who helps Kate with her wardrobe. Very interesting. -- Stuff put together a groovy cool-wheel of all of Kate's outfits on the past tour. -- And Grazia created a collage of all her coats. That looks alarmingly like my vision board.... -- Our friend Sally Holmes over at Elle recreated several of Kate's tour outfits and wore them around town to see what people would say. I am roiling with envy that she's gotten her hands on that lace Zimmerman dress that isn't out until June and I want so badly although I don't even think it will really work on me. -- Poor Camilla; as you probably know, her brother died very suddenly last week and the funeral was yesterday. She has to be devastated. It's hardly important in the grand scheme of things, but she looks very nice indeed at the service. -- Finally, I'm just going to leave this here: The Queen Mother Loved The Golden Girls So Much That She Requested a Live Performance from the Cast. Although I want to include this tidbit: "Last year, British comedy actress Cleo Rocos recalled how, back in the late 80s, she, Princess Diana, and Freddie Mercury would turn down the volume on Golden Girls reruns, drink champagne, and improvise “show dialogue with ‘much naughtier storyline lines.’” (Vanity Fair)  

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