1997
We begin, as so many stories do, with a giant fur that she probably wouldn't wear today.
1997
I like this orange so much! It needs a hoik and a necklace. Maybe I will make a necklace that says, "HOIK," to solve both problems.
1997
Very slinky, and a bit Beauty Pageant.
1997
Ands this is very SPRING BREEEEEAK AT THE FANCY CLUUUUUB! EVERYBODY MAKE SHIIIIRTS OUT OF SCAAAARVES!
1997
This was the Fire & Ice ball. I'm guessing she's Fire. On several levels, actually, as she also looks amazing.
1998
"No wimpy bandage dress can contain ME."
1998
Crimping irons never distract from ill-fitting bodices, y'all. It just gives us one MORE thing to discuss.
1998
That hair is hellaciously '90s. It reminds me of Tiffani Thiessen on 90210, and also, kind of... Winona Ryder? Seriously, in some shots, her smile does remind me of Wino Forever and I did not expect that.
1998
I think she thought the "Ever After" premiere had a Come As Drew Barrymore theme.
1998
Maybe Salma just likes to go very thematic, because this was at The Faculty, and she looks like a sexy but maybe also mean Miss Stacey.
1999
"Donna Martin is my FAVORITE," said no one ever except for Salma Hayek.
1999
... Did she think this was Boogie Nights?
1999
Ow ow ow ow ow ow.
1999
That pattern is great. She looks gorgeous, although the shoes are underwhelming.
2000
"Yes, my windpipe IS slowly constructing, thank you for your concern."
2000
I don't think wearing a blazer backwards was a necessary pivot.
2000
We showed this way back near the beginning of the pandemic but OF COURSE, I was going to show you again, because it's batty. By which I mean, both wacky AND also possibly resembling a saucy bat.
2002
This hat is hypnotic. It looks like half of it was stretched.
2002
She is so beautiful. I also thought the necklace was noteworthy but I'm not actually sure I like it wound twice like that.
2002
Salma apparently was not opposed to uncomfortable neck accoutrements. And also to Edward Norton as her accoutrement (I forgot they dated).
2003
We will also learn that Salma likes bows.
2003
See?
2005
I'm getting Real Housewives of Cannes here.
2005
More chokers, this time in the form of an actual choker. And a perilous dress.
2006
She often has a tough time wrangling the ladies. I put that squarely on the designers who have often acted like they don't know what to do with boobs, beyond freeing the nipple.
2008
This Victorian-style suit looks AMAZING on her.
2008
This was for a Hollywood charity domino tournament. No, really. I'm not sure why it necessitated the ode to the '20s.
2010
That would look so much better with a slightly darker lip.
2011
This might be my new desktop wallpaper.
2011
This is EXACTLY how I watch sports when I, too, am stuck waiting for the action to pause so I can take my seat. However, I am usually disheveled and in a jersey.
2011
Salma also briefly worked as an International Woman of Mystery.
2012
This dress is fabulous, and she looks amazing even if her mammaries are mildly compressed.
2012
She loves bows so much, she had one glittered onto her abdomen. (I assume this is Gucci.)
2012, with Oliver Stone
What... are you doing, Oliver?
2012
No, seriously. What. Are you doing.
2013
I long for a redder lip, as usual, but this is foxy as all get-out.
2014 in Bottega Veneta
I long for those shoes.
2014, in McQueen
Beautiful.
2015
And THIS is ALSO splendid.
2015 in McQueen
The smooching peacocks are so pretty, but I don't know about the head-styling with it.
2015 in McQueen
That's kicky.
2015
And then she passed out in a camping store and woke up with Rose Byrne's head from Spy.
2015 in McQueen
I am so sorry, but I am not sure what else to say other than A-HOOOO-GA.
2016
And, the salad version.
2016 in Gucci
Oh no.
2016 in Gucci
This was a really unfortunate period for Gucci.
2016 in Gucci
SEE? She trusted the wrong people there.
2016 in Gucci
This one is better, but when you are married to the dude that owns Gucci, you can make them cut you a bodice that fits. And if you can't, then what is the point of owning Gucci??
2017
I wanted to love this, but it looks like the flower on her shoulder is shuffling off this mortal coil.
2017 in McQueen
Eh. We've seen worse, I guess?
2017
This is the outfit with the Balenciaga bootaloons. They look aggressively unpleasant to don and doff.
2017 in Gucci
This is bright, in a way I really enjoy.
2017 in Gucci
This is hellacious, in a way I also enjoy.
2017 in Gucci
Here, she is dressed as Queen Elizabeth's blue drawing room.
2017
I would like a dose of this attitude myself.
2017 in Gucci
This, to me, is the far more hideous version of the bright-and-loud one from a few slides ago.
2017 in Gucci
That is a lot of shimmer. It made me wince, weirdly.
2017
I'm sure that's from one of the LVMH brands, but it looks like a cheap knockoff.
2018 in Gucci
This, though? Stunning.
2018
I also like her in the slightly sportier smart-casual stuff.
2018 in Gucci
This was custom, which explains why they fit it properly to her, but does not make sense of why she looks very overwrought.
2018
She changed into this Gucci by Dapper Dan outfi t-- it actually had DAPPER DAN on the back in diamonds -- and I actually like it better.
2018
This was for the "Fashion and the Catholic Imagination" gala, and I guess... it's the Garden of Eden? It looks more like Snow White is about to walk in and have a bird land on her finger while a deer brings her a Diet Coke.
2018
This was at a Frida Kahlo event, and Annie Lennox and Salma Hayek are the pairing I didn't know I needed. Where is their podcast?
2018 in Gucci
And then two withered hands rose from the grave to manhandle her chest.
2018 in Gucci
That is way too much Dynasty for her.
2019 in Gucci
Okay, Gucci, now you are getting the hang of it.
2020 in Gucci
Is that white, or pink? I can't remember, and I also don't recall what I thought of this nine months ago. Now, my feelings are: I love the material of the bodice and wish the whole dress were like that, and also suspect they could have cut this more generously and still had a va-va-voom effect.
2020
That's a lot of look, Salma.
2020 in Gucci
This has a filmy sleeve-cape and a headpiece and somehow it's boring to me?
2020
But at least it wasn't as severe and yet also see-through as THIS. Her wardrobe is a confusing push-pull of emotions.
2020 in Gucci
However, we are ending on a very lovely note. Come back to us soon, Salma.