Shania Twain, 1996
Oh, girl. Turns out YOU were the modern godmother of latex clothing, not Britney Spears.
Shania Twain, 1997
The photo didn't say who the man is, but there's a chance it's her ex, Mutt Lange**? I hope it is, because that is HILARIOUS. He's wearing a kneekerchief and he's making sure his nipple peeks out! NONSENSE. Delicious nonsense. And what are her pants? Sigh. These two are treasures. If that IS her husband, gee, who knew HE'D turn out to be a douche...
**Apparently it's Pat Boone? I don't know. But it's less exciting.
Shania Twain, Jan 1998
This is SO deeply Of An Era. I remember wanting a cropped sweater so badly but having to come to terms with the sad truth that I didn't have the abs for it. So I avoided that PARTICULAR time bomb in my photo archives... see? And I thought my potato chip addiction was good for nothing! Silly me.
Shania Twain, June 1998
Shania was really into turtlenecks or chokers during this time period, as you'll see. I wonder if this was a hickey-filled time in her personal life. She looks kind of like the monarch of a planet that prizes crushed velvet above all other fabrics.
Shania Twain, December 1998
And HERE she looks like that same monarch, who has just been to Color Me Beautiful and learned she is a Spring. What is a girl to do when she can't find lavender crushed velvet? SPARKLES.
Shania Twain, 1999
How is it that Carrie Underwood hasn't worn this yet?
Shania Twain, May 1999
Tim McGraw looks EXACTLY the same. Shania looks like she just bought a killer condo in the zoo.
Shania Twain, October 2000
Well, this is... shockingly normal. I am speechless.
Shania Twain, November 2002
This is ALSO almost normal, except for her hair. At first I thought it might be dreadlocks, but I think that would be an insult to dreadlocks.
Shania Twain, November 2002
Eat your hearts out, Rihanna and Beyonce... I would've added Lady Gaga to the list, but frankly, this is way too conservative for her.
Shania Twain, Jan 2003
Congratulations to Shania Twain, who won Miss Dust Ruffle 2003 at the Zzyzx Road Street Sweepers' Local No. 92 Neighborhood Farmers' Market and Wife Swap.
Shania Twain, January 2003
Belts, brocade, and ballet tulle... OH MY. All I know is, Jennifer Lopez is SO JEALOUS RIGHT NOW.
Shania Twain, January 2003
I had NO IDEA they had a Studio 54 outpost on the Starship Enterprise.
Shania Twain, January 2003
Do we think her planet is at war with Bjork's?
Shania Twain, January 2003
Nothing says "DIVA" like wearing that hat. Oh, and also a studded shirt that says "DIVA."
Shania Twain, April 2003
Apparently we've entered her My Boobs Are My Blackboard period.
Shania Twain, April 2003
Remember when the concept of "skinny jeans" was just SO ridiculous? This shirt might actually be cute if she wasn't wearing it with defaced pants that remind me of how my friends and I drew all over our white Keds when we were in eighth grade. Man, my mother was not happy about that.
Shania Twain, May 2003
And how she's wearing a photo of Stevie Wonder WHILE singing a duet with him. This seems like a very mean thing to do to a blind man -- like, he is smiling blithely, unaware that she's turned him into a decal and paired him with two dog collars.
Shania Twain, May 2003
Britney would totally have worn this. In fact I'm surprised she didn't. Oh, Shania. You really need to talk to someone about how to use separates. And bras.
Shania Twain, June 2003
Brenda Walsh would DROOL.
Shania Twain, November 2003
I think this is the fashion sorbet -- the palate cleanser after a whole buffet of crazy. And, of course, before you go back in for seconds.
Shania Twain, December 2003
I'm guessing the message here is, "Don't be imprisoned by chapped lips and poor dental hygiene."
Shania Twain, November 2003
This is so Janet Jackson to me. And, frankly, a little bit Diddy as well.
Shania Twain, February 2004
See, okay, she does UNDERSTAND what a bra is supposed to DO. She just doesn't know how to CONCEAL THEM. Treat it like an Easter egg, Shania: Yes, you want people to find it EVENTUALLY, but you don't hide it in plain sight. Also, that coat is hilarious. I call it, If Chico's Made Windbreakers.
Shania Twain, November 2004
Which do we think went out of style first: that shirt, or Mark McGrath as a singer (or, in general)?
Shania Twain, November 2004
ARM WARMERS. This is a cross between a rhythmic gymnast and Bianca's prom dress in 10 Things I Hate About You.
Shania Twain, November 2005
This may have been ripped right from an aging socialite's dining room. That could refer both to the dress AND Billy Joel, I guess.
Shania Twain, November 2005
I mean, it's fine? It's also very Dynasty, but maybe ALMOST not in a fun enough way.
Shania Twain, December 2006
I hope what the Kennedy Center was honoring was her cleavage, otherwise this might be a tad revealing.
Shania Twain, May 2007
And this is downright SEDATE. Of course, we're getting into latter-day Shania now, where maybe trouble was starting to brew, and she wasn't on the scene as much, taking a break, etc. It's sort of a grown-up look. Maybe sequestering herself in that castle in Switzerland was calming to her roiling mind.
Shania Twain, November 2008
Man. And now I kind of miss the long coats and belly shirts and belts and strange other S&M restraints.
Shania Twain, May 2011
This looks a bit like it rained caviar on her. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I imagine Joan Collins has a whole special caviar shower installed in her master bathroom.
Shania Twain, June 2011
And here we are today, more muted. I'm sure this is fine, just as I'm equally sure my head would pop off if she showed up somewhere in a latex outfit again, but... well, dammit, I kind of miss her kookariffic old self. The best I can hope for, maybe, is that she takes Lauren Alaina under her wing and teaches her the value of short, hot bursts of insanity. Cross your fingers.