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# Sorry, Tommy, But Billy Porter Was the MVP of the "80 For Brady" Premiere
- URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/sorry-tommy-but-billy-porter-was-the-mvp-of-the-80-for-brady-premiere-02-2023/
- Published: 2023-02-01T15:00:15.000Z
- Updated: 2023-02-01T15:39:59.000Z
- Description: I tell you no lies.
- Author: Heather
- Tags: fugs, #wp, #wp-post, #hasslideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 08:22

[View the gallery](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/80-for-brady-premiere/)

*Editor’s note: Hahaha, I wrote this last night and then this morning I woke up and he had re-retired. DID I MAKE IT HAPPEN??? I’m leaving the post as-is.*

BILLY PORTER: Hello, Thomas.

TOM BRADY: Hey, Billy! Wow! What IS that? I've never seen anything like it. Is that a strawberry?

BP: Is... what?

TB12: 'Cause I've never had a strawberry!

BP: It is not.

TB12: Huh! Oh! Is it a nightshade? I've never eaten nightshades.

BP: It is not.

TB12; What's a nightshade?

BP: Food with flavor.

TB12: Never had it then! *furrows brow* Okay, then, is it... gluten?

BP: It is, wait for it, a *hat*.

TB12: A hat! Well, I don't eat those either.

BP: No, I don't imagine you do.

TB12: Although... I could?

BP: But why.

TB12: Cotton is a plant. I eat some plants!

BP: Some.

TB12: Does cotton cause inflammation?

BP: I...

TB12: Is cotton in Gatorade? I don't drink Gatorade.

BP: Maybe you *should*.

TB12: No man, I gotta stay fresh. I gotta be spry if I'm gonna flop like a soccer player anytime a defender sneezes in my direction! I can't cry to the refs if I'm inflamed from tomatoes and sugar!

BP: Maybe you should retire, and live a little.

TB12: No way man! I tried that for a week and it was *boooor*ing! I'm gonna play until the league lets me deflate the balls as much as I want because I need the extra air to reinflate myself! But when I do retire, like after my kids leave for college or something, boy, I'm gonna go nuts. I'm gonna eat WHITE RICE!

BP: If you ever actually do that, *I'll* eat my hat.

TB12: Just only use Himalayan pink salt on it, my man. Unless *you* decide to retire.

###### \[Photo: VALERIE MACON/AFP via Getty Images, Matt Baron/BEI/Shutterstock, Rob Latour/Shutterstock\]