Braden Holtby

Usually I go from most robust beards to least, and so this year the obvious first slot goes to goaltender Braden Holtby. His is so good, it's almost Penguins-caliber (my boys have like three or four Yukon Cornelius doubles on the ice). It also looks like it might be very soft, and he APPEARS like he might even have all his own teeth still, which is a plus. I assume he is answering a question here about why the hat is ugly.

Brooks Orpik

Brooks here used to be a Penguin, but the Caps signed him in free agency a couple years ago. GRR. Anyway, he didn't do our photo service the courtesy of a full-frontal beard shot, so I had to pull this from one of the games. It's fairly lush, I have to admit. He and Braden must be discussing face conditioner here.

Alex Ovechkin

And then we have Ovi, giddily toothless and impressively hairy. I will take Sid the Kid any day, but when it comes to playoff beards, I regret to inform myself that Ovechkin wins it hands-down. Sid is trying ever so hard to coax more from his follicles, and he's come so far, but this is another league.

You Caps fans love him, so here he is again, looking... exactly the same but from a slightly different angle. He played enormously well. I had hoped Fleury would be in his brain after besting him so many times as a Penguin, but ALAS, 'twas somehow the opposite. It's always nice when the stars really earn their top billing, and he did.

Devante Smith-Pelly

I know in hockey it's a badge of honor to be missing teeth, but I'm always impressed how little they care about it. Let's be real: In their shoes, I would be like, "Do not hand me that cup until my denture is in, okay? NOT TODAY, SATAN."

Jakub Jerabek

"Aw, shit, you guys, this hat IS ugly."

Tom Wilson

Is he happy, or yawning? Possibly both.

Tom Wilson (left) and Andre Burakovsky

"Ha ha, kid, you thought you grew a beard? Look at those three. And look at ME. Then eat some spinach or something and try again next season."

Evgeny Kuznetsov

This all feels long, but also under grooming control.

Chandler Stephenson

Chandler here is, I believe, the team's transpondster.

Travis Boyd

Stephen Baldwin is going to play him in the movie of this moment.

Michal Kempny

This is the part where I lose the plot on how to differentiate the beards, but the shot is PURE joy and how could I not run with that?

Jay Beagle

"Psst, I'm pretty sure you have me in the wrong place, but whatever. I'm not going to stop you."

Nicklas Backstrom

Nicklas here has a long but seemingly patchy beard going. This was the only shot of him that I had, and it's far heavier on his mane. 

Lars Eller

"Just happy to be here with my protective strap on!"

John Carlson

His wife JUST had their second child in May, so I can't decide who's more delighted: him, to have the Cup in hand, or her to have another set of hands to help with the brood.

T.J. Oshie

You might remember Oshie from that insane Winter Olympics shoot-out finish against Russia in 2014, when he was one of the first three shooters, and then - because it was still tied - the coach could use the same player as often as he wanted, so Oshie took the next five shots in a row and ultimately won it for us. Now he's got a Cup to match his medal, but could use a little Miracle Gro on his face-lawn.

Alex Chiasson

"Nope, nothing in my teeth, but at least there are still TEETH in my teeth."

Jakub Vrana

"AAAAAAH. Okay, phew, I think the white spots on my tonsils are gone. TO THE CRAPS TABLES!"

Christian Djoos

"They told me that since I can only grow an eighth of a beard, I can only lift up the cup an eighth of the way."

Madison Bowey

"You people and your fuzz are insane. I won the Cup and yet I manscaped, and I look fanTASTIC."

Nicklas Backstrom's Son Vince

"This is so demeaning. Prince George NEVER had to dip his bum into a massive chalice."

The Capitals

And there you have it. I'm sorry this isn't the whole team, but it's all we had handy; I hope it's at least a taste of the jubilation. If you were there or you went to the parade, please share! I always love the stories of men, women, and children weeping with glee. Congrats, Capitals. All my allegiances aside, you really DID deserve it this season; you were the best team I saw on the ice.

Well Played, Jubilant Men In Beards: The Washington Capitals Win The Stanley Cup

Finally, on several levels.