Alternate title: Ridic Male Fantasy Enactment About Unremarkable Schmo Being Fought Over By Two Super Hot Friends, Who Obviously Will Turn On Each Other, Because The Two Dudes Who Wrote This Are Still Pretty Sure Women Will Put Even The Most Banal of Wangs Ahead Of Their Besties. Directed by William H. Macy. No, seriously. WHY, WILLIAM? Also, do we think these three were even in the same room for this poster shoot? That hand alleging to be Kate Upton's looks like it could be anyone's.
"Teeth. We need lots of teeth. And LAUGHTER, because NO ONE will believe women can be funny unless everyone on the poster is ROFLing -- but, soften up McKinnon, because people need to recognize that she's in this. Also, Johansson can't look like she's enjoying these shenanigans, because people who don't think women should party will need to feel like there might be consequences to them enjoying themselves. Okay! Perfect."
"Let's take Bad Moms and Rough Night and Death To Smoochy and just throw them all together and then make it not completely clear whether that one mom is riding the unicorn lady or trying to kill her. Carefully title it for spinoff potential: Hilarious Mom Brunch, Crazy Mom Happy Hour, Wacky Mom Breakfast Meeting."
Also known as, John Wick Was Pretty Good, Right?
A grown-up Ferris Bueller goes blind from getting the disease he claimed he had in high school, and reconnects with Sloane Peterson, as designed by someone who makes movie posters from really really really basic templates.
I decided this is The Polina Edmunds Story, all about fighting her way back into international competition.
Okay, this one is just sort of cool.
Jessica and I once stayed at the Nile Hilton. Rest assured that if we ever see this, we will turn to each other repeatedly and be like, "The end tables in the rooms did NOT look like that."
This has such a pleasant 80s throwback vibe to it. It's like Cocktail meets Miley's Bangerz album cover meets Mannequin.
It's George W. Bush vs. John Wick in the clash of titans you've been longing to see.
What this movie looks like it's about: A dying French heiress can only stay alive as long as there is a blossoming tulip in her garret quarantine. Her only friends are the local urchins who play on the street beneath her window. She falls in love with one whose name she believes to be Marfplonk because she can't really hear what he's yelling. He calls her Frowny McWan. What this movie is actually about, per Wiki: Set against the backdrop of the 17th-century Tulip Wars, a married noblewoman (Alicia Vikander) has an affair with an artist (Dane DeHaan) and switches identities with her maid to escape the wealthy merchant she married. She and her lover try to raise money together by investing what little they have in the high-stakes tulip market. Someone please remake this poster in the image of Ingrid Goes West, please.
Sadsack Man Will Charm a Lady Somehow, While Withstanding The Relentless Onslaught of Michael Cera's Whimsical Pointing, and Why Isn't Paul Giammatti In This? (I heard it's good, though.)
a.k.a. Everyone Can Tell Samuel L. Jackson Does Not Need Ryan Freaking Reynolds Protecting Him So Why Are We Even Here. Alternate: Nobody Is Protecting Grammar, That's For Damn Sure
Gentlewoman Goes Mad From The Tiny Farming Community Living In Her Brain
An Overreaching Voldemort Tries To Fuse Don Draper's Face With That of A Kindly Old Sock Merchant
No joke: I actually kind of want to see this. It's about a dude who makes a fort in his living room, then crawls into it and it turns into a series of weird mazes. I think? Anyway. I'm certainly curious.
The Kid Across The Street Creeps Out Your Babysitter Again.
This poster is arresting, though. Did ANYONE know this movie came out? It's Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara -- a recent Oscar winner and a past nominee -- and NOTHING?