Jena Malone at Sucker Punch Premiere

When I saw this in the thumbnail size, I thought nothing of it beyond feeling like it seemed a bit bridesmaid-al. Why? Because I didn't realize it was actually a top, and a skirt, rather than one fluid dress with a -- in retrospect SUSPICIOUSLY --flesh-y toned belt.

Jena Malone at Sucker Punch Premiere

It was at this point that I -- and, as you will see, the event's photogs-- began to SUSPECT.

Jena Malone at Sucker Punch Premiere

WAIT A MINUTE.

Jena Malone at Sucker Punch Premiere

"Shit, dude. Get a lot of snaps of the waistline," the photographers must have muttered to each other, given how many shots like this there were in our photo services. "The fashion blogs will be TALKING!" Indeed. And what I'm saying is: I didn't like this when we were all wearing it in the 90s. Don't make me go back.

HAMM

Even Jon Hamm is all, "I don't know about this."

Jena Malone at Sucker Punch Premiere

At least the back is pretty. Maybe she can spend the entire party scuttling around like a crab so that people don't see that the front of this dress kind of looks like a skirt with an olde time-y bra top.

Jena Malone at Sucker Punch Premiere

Let's not even deal with the mullet hem, okay? We have enough problems.

Fug Punch

I am perplexed as to what is The Deal with Jena Malone. I guess I could explain it if I were questioned at gun point: she's an actress; I'm always surprised that she's this skinny, although she's been this skinny for years, so I don't know why I'm all surprised anew every time I see her; I'm still recovering from seeing her using a British accent in the Keira Pride and Prejudice; I just accidentally typed that as Price and Prejudice, which is Austen mashed up with Bob Barker; I have Concerns about her make-up; and this outfit involves a crop-top, to which I say: WHAT? TO THE SLIDES!