Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

This is actually how I entered my Super Bowl party as well.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

And this is actually what I generally wear when I'm writing. Madonna and I have so much in common -- in addition, obviously, to my on-and-off faux English accent and also my raging feud with Elton John. Listen, tt's amazing how creative you feel wearing a leopard cape and a headdress. And let's not kid ourselves: NEVER have you gotten better cell reception than when wearing a headdress. You feel me, right? It brings great visual interest to your head, and people can hear you now.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

Then Will Ferrell had a baby with Richard Simmons and that baby grew up and put on a toga and came over and jumped up and down on a tightrope and then Madonna nibbled on his ear.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

Followed by awkward gymnastical dancing accompanied by men wearing the most embarrassing track suits ever. The treble clef running up your leg? Only at an event where your jazz quartet is running to cure chronic dry mouth. Let's all give thanks the humiliation didn't lead to him dropping Madge on her head. She is one of the few celebrities I can count on to regularly made snide comments about Lady Gaga -- out loud, anyway.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

"YAY! Everyone loves Nicki Minaj, right? And LOOK! I dug up M.I.A is no longer M.I.A.! And I made them dress up like what would have happened if gladiators had cheerleaders, which is a plot point I hope to see in the new Bring It On movie I'm directing for ABC Family: Bring It On...Down to the Colossuem."

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

Because performing a song that sounds like an Avril Lavigne-rip-off (sorry, Madge) on the Super Bowl half time show is just so intense that MIA couldn't help herself. Oh, MIA. Getting burned by the FCC (she is flipping the bird here, in case your eyes couldn't focus on the finger) for Super Bowl halftime show shenanigans is so 2004. The other problem is that I'm pretty sure Madonna punishes people who grab focus from her with death.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

And then, obviously Cee Lo showed up dressed like a Bedazzled Drum Major, which is actually how I imagine Cee Lo looks every day of his life, and if that's not true, I don't want to hear about it.

Bridgestone Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Show

This is, naturally, "Like A Prayer," and I think these ensembles are hilariously apt. They look like our glamorous alien warlords come to brainwash us into joining their sequined army and mindlessly serving their god Syzygy. I WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE GALAXY, WEARERS OF THE SPARKLY GRADUATION GOWNS. YOUR WORDS ARE MY COMMANDS. LIFE IS A MYSTERY. EVERYONE MUST STAND ALONE. I HEAR YOU CALL MY NAME. ETC.

Super Bowl Halftime Show, Madonna-ly Played: Madonna

Honestly, I feel like this could have been TERRIBLE. And yet it was kind of entertaining, not only because Madge closed this thing with "Like a Prayer," which is possibly my favorite Madonna song ever. Although I also love "Express Yourself." And who doesn't have fond memories of roller-skating to "Material Girl," other than the many of you who were not born around the same time that I was? Although my fond memories are less about skating and more about clinging to the wall of the rink and screeching, "I LOVE THIS SONG" to my friend Cheri as she skated past. What I'm saying, though, is that I don't think any of us expect the Super Bowl halftime show to be a bastion of good taste and classy ensembles. Like, this is an event which is best known for Janet Jackson's nipple shield -- the more headdresses, the better. Let's take a closer look.