Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga's halftime show was one of the better ones in recent memory; it was peppy, poppy, and a visual feast. The outfit is Versace, I believe, and I would give those boots a good home the SECOND they needed me. Sheopened with "God Bless America," and sequed into "This Land is Your Land"; Vanity Fair has a great explanation of why that's very probably a subtle political statement that your local news anchors likely missed (mine were all, "Wow, she didn't get political AT ALL!!!!").
Then she took a header off the roof of the stadium. She even flailed a little as she headed toward the ground (Liam helpfully informed me that she wasn't going to die because she was on wires). It was unique and freaky and great. She both embraced the fromage of the moment and took it seriously.
And also at one point, shown here, she communicated with her father back on her home planet and he told her Tom Brady was going to show up for the second half and she was like, "REALLY? BUT I BET THE UNDER. OOOOO SHIT THERE GOES MY MORTGAGE."
I'm so pleased she felt a keytar was needed, and that she insisted on donning a spiky gold jacket first: "No, Hans! There can be no keytar without weaponized shoulders!"
She also managed this costume change, so that she could finish out the show in BeDazzled football pads. My favorite joke from the show pertains to the GIF I embedded on the post page, where she catches a pass and drops out of sight. The Internet was all, "BUT WOULD THE NFL CALL THAT A COMPLETED CATCH?" Because the NFL has a history of convoluted rules about when a catch is a catch.
In Vera Wang
I guess this is her idea of "I just need to go out on the field for sound check so I can just throw on my grubbies." Gaga's grubbies would totally include a train.
Jasmine Cephas Jones, Renee Elise Goldsberry, Phillipa Soo
The ladies of Hamilton's original cast got together to sing "America the Beautiful," which I infinitely prefer to "God Bless America (I'm a stickler for the separation of Church and state, so the ubiquity of "GBA" has always made me a wee uncomfortable -- and this is coming from someone who was raised Catholic and went to Notre Dame). Anyway, the Ham ladies clearly all felt jumpsuits were on the menu, because to a lady they all picked one. They're not all to my taste, but I love how quietly professional they all look.
I think I like Renee's the best. I also liked that when my kids saw them sing, they instantly knew which actress is which Hamilton character. Dylan in particular saw Jasmine and was like, "AND PEGGY! PEGGY IS THERE! THAT IS PEGGY." Raising them right! Now I just need to sell my house to get them tickets when it comes to L.A.
Chrissy Teigen
I like to watch the Super Bowl sprawled on a couch with lots of wine and dip. This outfit does not seem conducive to sprawl unless it's a XXX party.
Lea Michele
I don't know why, but I get the vibe from Lea Michele that she has never watched a single frame of any Super Bowl and she's sort of like, "But they say the party is good, right? Is there bottle service?"
Alyssa Milano
I went to the Super Bowl the year the Steelers beat the Cardinals, and my friend at ESPN got us into some night-before parties. I was 10 weeks pregnant with the beans, and wasn't drinking, but I put on some semblance of a dress and we traipsed through a ridiculous nightclub where Adrian Peterson was holding court in the middle of the room. We ended up sitting at the bar chatting to Jemele Hill most of the time we were there, and surveying the room, and basically deciding that it all seemed so exhausting. I had 150 percent more fun the next day in jeans and my jersey, wandering around playing various games before kickoff (and then of course at the game itself). I know all the parties are an industry, but man, looking at Alyssa in this absurd dress just makes me remember watching all the people dressed up to the nines -- no, to the elevens -- and wobbling through packed clubs and trying to find parking and IT'S A FOOTBALL WEEKEND LET'S ALL JUST WEAR JEANS AND DRINK THE CHAMPAGNE OF BEERS.
Alyssa Milano
Okay that's better. I mean, it's sort of drippy -- I hate the NFL's Lady Gear, as if we can't possibly be expected to support a sportsball team unless there is pastel involved -- but at least she looks comfortable. I will never understand the concept of the Super Bowl as a formal or even semi-formal event.
Alyssa Milano
This is a cute compromise. I mean, don't wear jeans if you don't want to -- it's totally fine obviously -- but this seems way cuter and more comfortable than some of the super formal alternatives. This is put-together but not Prom.
Caroline Wozniacki
She looks fabulous AND glamorous AND comfortable. Hey, if that balance exists for you, embrace it.
Fergie (In DSquared2) and Nick Cannon
Fergie is basically wearing a mash-up of a denim vest, a leather jacket, and a windbreaker. Nick Cannon, methinks, is wearing a turban and pants that are falling off. Even Fergie, in that crazy dress, seems to be like, "This dude is a poser, right?"
Fergie and Chanel Iman
Neither of these outfits is nacho-friendly, which is TOPS on my list of Super Bowl outfit requirements.
Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg
Whereas J.Mac's outfit IS nacho-friendly. But I'm concerned she is under the impression that she's Ice T's wife, Coco, and that Donnie is a gangster who won her at poker.
Simone Biles
I love her, but this is a classic weird Kardashian thing where the over-the-knee boots make you second-guess whether these are pants or shorts.
Vince Vaughn
Vince's chin is like 15 years older than he is
Aly Raisman
Okay, if you're still inside a year from medaling in gymnastics, you are still in your Free Pass On That Romper zone. But the clock is ticking.
Ruby Rose
I assume this outfit is brought to you by People Who Aren't Rooting For The Patriots.
Michael Pena and Dax Shepard
"Yes, we're promoting a movie. Yes, these tickets were free. Yes, you'd have taken them too."
Tom and Gisele
"Let's just stare into each other's eyes for a second, secure in the knowledge that the universe apparently wants us to have EVERYTHING."
Roger Goodell
Roger Goodell's face at having to give the trophy to his Deflategate foes = the face of every non-Pats fan in the world.
Terry Bradshaw
"Heh-heh, what do you think, Pats fans, where should I put my gum? Right here? Right on the thin patch?"