Jared Goff

Before we get too deep into the suits, I need to note that the Rams' kit really aggravated me. The NFC team was technically "home" so they got to choose what jerseys they wore, and they chose these throwbacks rather than their regular colors -- not a move I love, and until now only the Niners have done it in the Super Bowl -- but then ... why are the helmets more of a navy than the rest? I'm sure that's part of the whole throwback bit too, but it wouldn't have made sense to me back then, either. It's as weird as their non-offense.

JuJu Smith-Schuster

This, amazingly, is not the first time JuJu has worn a Pizza Hut suit. He did it at the 2018 draft, too, which he was just attending for fun (and I guess profit), given that he was already a Steeler. Do not sleep on the slippers that say JuJu on one and have embroidered pizza on the other.

Alshon Jeffrey

I have no idea if he was mocking JuJu, but I've decided YES. Also, how many phones does he have in that pocket? Or.. never mind.

Shaquem Griffin and Shaquill Griffin

Yes, they're twins. And yes, their stripes (and Shaquill's kicks, or at least, I assume they were captioned in order and that's him on the right) delight me.

Akbar Gbajabiamila

I can hang with this. He looks dapper.

Christian McCaffrey

That's a pretty sweet ensemble, too. So far so good, gents.

Nick Chubb

This would have looked a thousand times better without the vest in there looking like locked castle gates.

Derrick Henry

I like how unusual that coat is.

Von Miller

Von Miller ALWAYS brings it, but not even he can sell me on the shirts with those non-collars. They look so constricting.

Baker Mayfield

It's just the after-party, but still. You don't look dope, you look like A dope.

Jon Hamm

Listen, Jon. Straighten your tie and then you can make your point.

Deon Cole

I like that he wore boots with this. They work.

Antonio Brown

I cannot even hazard a guess as to why his lip looks spray-painted.

Post Malone

Is that an homage to the Solo cup?!?

Jarvis Landry

All I've got is that he's a Cleveland Brown now, and their colors are orange and brown, and he was also once a Dolphin (turquoise and white with hints of orange occasionally), so.. maybe... it's... a custom melange?!?

Stefon Diggs

Another outfit that would've looked a lot better with socks. Also, the pants tailoring that seems designed to show just a hint of bare ankle just seems awkward.

James Conner

Blood-tipped shoes are... a choice.

Saquon Barkley, Odell Beckham Jr

I'm not sure any of that truly fits Saquon -- definitely not the pants -- but he's a rookie, so he'll get there. OBJ's enormous beard and turtleneck just somehow make it look like he's in a fancy neck brace.

Brandon Carr

I don't understand the patches on here, but if you look at the negative space -- the non-velvet -- it kind of looks like a tribute to ovaries?

Andrew Luck

Oh, ANDREW. You are such a chipper little goob. That shirt is 100 percent the wrong choice, and I have never understood the beards on you. Does your hair grow back the second you shave it, and so you are forced to give up and simply tame the brush?

Andrew Luck

However, his date's dress is FANTASTIC so maybe she can give him some pointers.

Aaron Rodgers

"I, too, wish to look like a Civil War general. I'm coming for you, Luck."

Shannon Sharpe

I appreciate his pizzazz, but either the shirt or the tie is a step too far, and I THINK it's the shirt.

Matt Nagy

He won Coach of the Year for his work with the Bears and I enjoy that he's holding that like it's a beer mug.

Alvin Kamara

Prince would have approved.

David Harbour

A snazzy tie AND an unexpected pocket square. Nice work, Harbour.

Brandon Michael Hall

That's one way to carry your phone.

Usain Bolt

Objectively the pants are nutty, but the coat and boots somehow tie together to give it a level of polish? It IS really good outerwear.

Adam Levine

The halftime show was really bad -- I bear them no ill will, but Maroon 5 is not a dynamic act. Adam Levine's only trick seemed to be stripping on stage. He's got a long coat on here...

... and then here it's just the tracksuit jacket, or whatever it is. Which he unzipped for a while before removing it...

... which left him with this terrible tank top that looks like a welcome mat on clearance at Target... (Note: I wrote that joke last night, and then woke up today to all the pics of it apparently matching a real Target throw pillow. Amazing.)

... and which he ditched to go shirtless. That is genuinely the only thing he brought to the party aside from a medley of moderately successful songs. ("Moves Like Jagger" is catchy, I will admit.) Somewhere, Janet Jackson was surely like, "I got blackballed for a half-second of ONE NIPPLE, you guys."

Conor McGregor

I'm not a particular fan of his, but the matching suit with his little noodle is very sweet.

Diplo

"SIEGFRIED AND ROY. NEVER FORGET."

Paul Rudd

"I'm just a humble man, in a humble plain suit, trying to have a humble good time."

"JUST KIDDING. CHIEFS 2020!!!!!"

The Gents of Super Bowl Weekend

Including a sliver of the halftime show, such as it was.