Posts tagged: “The Royals”

View the gallery Ted remains unfired -- but Ophelia is not so lucky, and neither are some pistols.

View the gallery This show was originally developed around a YA retelling of Hamlet, so I guess the visions of King Simon are finally an attempt to play into the source material (other than naming a girl Ophelia). It makes sense: Mark Schwahn LOVES an informative coma; just not normally

View the gallery A haiku for the episode: Simon is not dead. Douchetroll Cyrus may be king. Ted: not fired. WHA.

View the gallery JOAN HAS ARRIVED. I wish SHE had fired Ted. She would have done it SO WELL.

View the gallery FIRE TED: still not fired. Joan Collins, still not here. Swimwear, by and large, provided by Elizabeth Hurley's own design company, which... the less said the better, if we're talking about anything Eleanor wore. All we really have here is a bow and

View the gallery Still no Joan. STILL NO JOAN. But we do get a pointless and poorly attended royal masquerade, some Sadfaced Exposition, and a bowl of Viagra. [Also, this episode title is a whole special kind of lame, no?]

View the gallery Well, I just have the worst intel possible on when Joan is coming. Am I just full-on hallucinating, or was it supposed to have happened by now? Maybe the show leaked false arrival dates to make people keep watching... or maybe I have been engaging in

View the gallery I was misinformed (by myself): Dame Joan Collins doesn't show up until NEXT week. While we wait, we have to deal with jokes about anal bleaching and Fashion Week as an aphrodisiac, plus a girl giving a dude a blow job WHILE SHE IS DRIVING.

View the gallery The mess continues apace: I believe I counted seven "King/Queen of England" references in this one, plus some misogyny, a Posh Ex-Girlfriend and Someone With Secret Gun, a tray full of condoms and cocaine, and the WORST head of security in history. FIRE

View the gallery E!'s first foray into scripted series is imbued with slavish, documentary-style realism and an unwavering and sensitive commitment to factual... never mind, I can't say that without laughing. It's insane, and everyone in it is about as regal as a