Justin Bieber

Private Biebjamin, reporting for duty, and wearing moon boots just in case today is the day the army gets sent to space.

Justin Bieber

Apparently these girls are on Dance Moms -- presumably not as the moms -- although I was sort of hoping Bieber was going to star in some kind of Charles In Charge remake set in the pageant world.

Portia de Rossi, Ellen DeGeneres, Justin DeBieber

"Dig it -- I've got TWO women on the hook now."

Bieber

And here we are in the Justin Bieberlake phase of his fashion. I swear, next time he's on SNL, he's going to be in a sketch where he sings, "Carry it on up to Waffletown."

Bieber

"What up, y'all, Bieb3PO at your service. I speak thousands of dialects but only one tongue, know what I mean, wink wink. ... I'm saying that I am a love machine. Did you get that? Okay, just checking. Because I will keep going if you need me to bring it home OH YEAH THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID... No, really, that is what Selena said. I had left my hair spray in her car."

Teen Choice Awards Bierberly Played: Bieber

"Word up, sex people. Welcome to the Bieb-0210, where we dress for the war zone that is my hotel bed -- a.k.a., that place where I get out my incredibly heavy artillery and lay you down and do the things I read about in my mom's Cosmo back issues, which I keep in a binder labeled '50 Shades of HEYYYYYY.' Selena is all, 'WHAT? Nobody does that with Tabasco sauce,' and I'm all, 'DON'T THEY, SUGARFACE?' and then she's like, 'Ugh, I need a beer,' and I'm all, 'GOOD 'CAUSE PHINEAS AND FERB IS ON ANYWAY.' Um, I mean, come and get up in my frisky business, ladygirls." [Photos: Getty]