Jennifer Garner
I looked it up AGAIN, and AGAIN, Jennifer Garner was NOT pregnant at this point (though she was soon to be). I even looked up Violet's birthday to see if maybe we didn't realize at the time that J.Gar was fudging her timeline so nobody would ask any questions. And no. She fully wasn't pregnant. So WHY WOULD SHE WEAR THIS HIDEOUS OLD BAG.
Rachel Griffiths, Frances Conroy, Lauren Ambrose
These three are in costume as the Anthropologie clearance rack.
Virginia Madsen, Sandra Oh
And Virginia Madsen is hoping she can train Sandra Oh to run her bordello, then hand over the reins and run off with, like, Ian McShane.
Cynthia Nixon, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kristin Davis
I wish I could SEE it better, but I think it's pretty clear that no matter what the front of her dress is doing, Kristin Davis is winning this one. Just because Cynthia is more dressed for her children's elementary school silent auction, and SJP... well...
Sarah Jessica Parker
... SJP is dressed as 1986.
Allison Janney
The answer is: Yes, she has always been dishy.
Allison Janney and Sean Hayes
I just enjoyed this photo. That's right, Just Jack, bow down to Just Janney.
Kate Winslet
The good news basically stops at her shoulders.
Hilary Swank
This looks awfully like she bought it at one of those mall stores that isn't entirely real. One called, like, Impact Formals, or something.
Charlize Theron
Note one: Lack of accessories is not a new thing. Note two: Charlize's tendency to rest on her face's strength and hope it'll forgive any fashion and accessory sins is also not a new thing. Note three: That is hideous on her.
Charlize Theron
Not great from the back, either. If that background woman stands in judgment, then I stand with her.
Eva Longoria
Oh no no NO, what is happening below the knee?
Debra Messing
Her hair looks FANTASTIC here.
Marg Helgenberger
Her head is also superb, always, but OH MARG. Which anagrams to GO HARM which is kind of what she's doing to her body in that thing. She is way hotter than that.
Melissa Gilbert
Half-Pint, half-baked.
Keke Palmer
I couldn't entirely figure out why Keke was present, except that she was about to star in 2006's Akeelah and the Bee. I put her in here, though, because she was an adorable young tot and now she's a gorgeous young woman who is wearing cat-scratch dresses and see-through shirts, and while I support her finding herself, I had hoped she'd find herself in, say, some Oscar de la Renta.
Teri Hatcher
Not bad, Hatch! A little flattening, but flattering even so.
Teri Polo
This is really pretty on her, and I find myself wishing the fabric were about 85 percent richer.
Kristin Chenoweth
She famously told a story about accidentally setting her hair extensions on fire, and I hope these were those extensions. I can get behind burning those off.