The cast of Riverdale

Here's hoping the Riverdale writers can get their heads around how to write teenagers, and/or teen relationships, and/or teen sexual crises, because that show should be a lot hotter and soapier than it is. Season 1 was all about the murder of someone no one cared about, who was the brother of a character I wanted them to recast or kill off, and then suddenly in the finale all these people were making out as if it happens all the time even though I'm pretty sure at least one of them is a virgin? Y'all have Luke Perry RIGHT THERE. Ask him how teen shows are done.

Also: The actress who plays Josie looks awesome, and Cole Sprouse is the dapperest gent. Lili Reinhart, who is blonde Betty, recently took fan flack because someone tweeted that her high weight might get in the way of her acting talent. That fan is TALKING CRAZY. She IS talented, but also a perfect physical specimen, so DIAL IT DOWN, CRAZIES.

Gina Rodriguez

She looks LOVELY in this. So much better than in the olive figure-assassin.

Rachel Bloom

This is also great on her, but my kingdom for non-beige shoes with it.

Donna Lynne Champlin

I LOVE her dress. Also, she is one of my favorite parts of Crazy XGF. She brings this awesome warmth and grounding to it, while also being fully invested in some of the insanity as well. It's hard to explain. She's just great.

Melissa Benoist

No on the shoes, yes to the dress and lipstick, and CONFUSED FACE EMOJI to whatever's happened to her hair.

Rose McIver

Oh no no no. You are not MADE OF DENIM.

Elizabeth Gillies

Elizabeth here is Fallon in the Dynasty reboot. She looks nice, and appropriately vaguely irritated, so maybe she's in character already.

Nathalie Kelley

Nathalie is Krystle -- whom they've rechristened Cristal -- in Dynasty, and she appears to have just come from an attic in which she has been locked for two years wearing exactly this.

Lucy Hale

She looks great. She was on The CW before Pretty Little Liars came calling, so I'm not surprised to see her land here again.

Caity Lotz

APPLAUSE for the creative shoes and dramatic hair. I wonder if Legends of Tomorrow will make her go back to blonde. That may hurt, if this isn't a wig. Also, big ups to that show for having a bisexual female captain of a time ship on a superhero show, and having it be NBD. Meaning, her gender and her sexuality are not played as her character traits; instead she's strong and smart and fiery, and respected by everyone, and just happens to make out with women a lot.

Vincent Rodriguez III

SO DAPPER. I just saw him on Designated Survivor playing... a congressman, I think? ... and it was SO WEIRD because I just kept thinking, "Why is Josh Chan there?" And THEN I thought, "Well, Josh Chan WOULD care a lot about preserving an honest government," but... still hard to separate him from Josh Chan.

Jared Padalecki

"Yes. We're still here. The fans still hate our wives. It's a mixed blessing kind of situation."

Jensen Ackles

The CW had a very well turned-out upfront, mostly.

Grant Show and Luke Perry

Seeing Melrose Place's Jake and Dylan McKay together... can we do a Dynasty/Riverdale crossover? It would make about as much sense as anything that happens on Riverdale already. BIG FINISH. Also, I appreciate The CW's commitment to casting adults that mean something to the older demographic it pretends it doesn't need but actually should want. (It also hired Mark Consuelos for Riverdale, and between that and Skeet Ulruch, Molly Ringwald, and Madchen Amick... I mean COME ON. We are being courted.)

The CW Upfronts Were Fairly Well Turned-Out, Actually

With some exceptions, but: Well played, netlet.