Verka Serduchka
First, we get what I can only describe as the Ukrainian Dame Edna -- it's a guy called Andriy who dresses up as a character called Verka Serduchka (who brought a sidekick who's supposed to be her mother). Verka came in second in Eurovision in 2007 for Ukraine, and made waves in the UK by going on Graham Norton and appearing to call Andrew Lloyd Webber "rubbish." The later clarification was basically, "Actually I was just saying that watching Cats on TV was boring," an "apology" which really makes me laugh.
14. Azerbaijan, "Skeletons," Dihaj: 120 pts
Dihaj brought things to a dark place with wacky rantings on her chalkboard set, as she sings the words "bad boy" a lot and seems upset. It reminds me of that one Treehouse of Horrors episode where Homer Simpson went crazy. I can't really parse it, but I did make sure REDRUM is not on there.
And then suddenly she's got a horse-man on a ladder. I simultaneously understand her better, and way worse.
This is the part where the captioner privately made a Mr. Ed joke that was so funny, he/she passed out on the keyboard.
Wait. Is she jeans-deep in thorns, or surrounded by thorn-jeans? Either way this seems like a toxic relationship for her.
O SHIT SHE'S WRITING ON THE SET. And it DOES say DRUM DRUM DRUM over there, which is REAL CLOSE to REDRUM. Everyone lock up your spleens.
A willingness to raise the roof seems like all they have in common. She is so tortured, and he is so motionless. AND ALSO A HORSE.
Well I should HOPE it's only fantasy. HE'S A HORSE.
No. 15: UK, "Never Give Up On You," Lucie Jones: 111 pts
Today, the role of Lost's Evangeline Lilly will be played by former X-Factor contestant Lucie Jones. Whenever I see the caption on this one, all I think of is, "It's carpets. It's MADNESS! It's carpet madness NOW!"
Lucie actually has a gorgeous voice, but the song stopped short of being memorable (although of course most of the UK papers were like, "If we don't win IT'S OBVIOUSLY PERSONAL"). It was funky seeing her stand in a clamshell of sorts that reflected her onto its top half.
And this lighting is very pretty, but... sadly there is no wackitude. So if your song itself isn't memorable, it doesn't matter how great your voice is; you need a yodeling man-horse on some kind of tandem bike made of cheese, alongside a gorilla.
16. Austria, "Running on Air," Nathan Trent: 93 points
Austria got 93 points from the national juries, and a whopping ZERO from the public vote, which presumably confused the staging with a reboot of the old "Mac Tonight" McDonald's commercials. This one started out so optimistically. He's going to live it up, y'all...
... and he's pledging his life to Olympic aquatic greatness, which is extremely important.
And then it takes a WOEFUL TURN. Okay, actually, it's just about how even when things suck, you can be upbeat and pull yourself out of it. But it was more fun to take this horribly out of context. Regardless, the giant moon did nothing for anyone, making it only the second-saddest song contest ever for Austria, behind only the Salzburg Festival from which the Von Trapps disappeared.
17. Belarus, "Historyja Majho Zyccia," NaviBand: 83 pts
You guys, I liked this one. Am I crazy? It sounded special, and they sang it in their native tongue, but it was also really accessible so that it didn't matter if you kneew what they were saying. They sounded like The Belarussian Lumineers, "hey"ing all over town in the catchiest way. There is also some hooting? And they rode in on a boat! It's like a country wedding barge.
I take this to mean Belarus's sun is nicer than everyone else's.
And look! A giant Christmas ornament!
AND we had FULL MAKING OUT when it ended! I enjoy interpreting the musical notes sometimes as a giant ellipsis, like, "I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS."
And though I don't believe this was real fire, it WAS rendered as such on the screens, PLUS they gave us sexual fireworks, and it was a catchy song. Again I ask: WHY ARE THEY NOT HIGHER.
"APSEPLAU" is an apt word for how I feel about a lot of things related to Eurovision. It's also, I believe, an IKEA kitchen cabinet.
18. Armenia, "Fly With Me," Artsvik: 79 pts
This was a love song, it was very intense -- down to the chain mail -- and she sang it in front of a super intense round area rug that Satan would buy for his least-favorite turret.
What did I tell you about extra limbs? It worked better for Sweden than it did for Armenia.
Their influences are, apparently, The Village People.
And Madonna. Because I think this is an attempt at vogueing.
19. Greece, "This Is Love," Demy: 77 pts
I could not tell you ANY details about this except that her dress was see-through under some lights, and she had great lipstick and some otherwise bland backup dancers packing heat. It was NOWHERE NEAR as good as the year the Greek dudes came out singing, "Alcohol Is Free."
20. Denmark, "Where I Am," Anja: 77 pts
I thought Anja was dressed as a genie for a second, until I realized she was just a victim of a wind machine.
Her song was also forgettable, but she invited every last viewer into her tonsils and tried to make up for it all with histrionics and fire. Sometimes that works! Sometimes, Anja, that is why you do it. Also I hope "Histrionics and Fire" is the title of either my autobiography, or my obituary.
I don't know what the Jerry Hughes Show is, but it looks expensive.
21. Cyprus, "Gravity," Hovig
I'm telling you, they really, really loved the floor-screen trick this year. But that was kind of all Cyprus had to offer this year.
Othewise, it was all dudes balancing in really awkward positions, as if they were inspired by the struggles of their beginner yoga class.
Then, of course, as he sings about leaning on him, and catching him when he falls, he leans on people and gets caught when he falls. Maybe if someone caught you AFTER YOU WERE SHOT OUT OF A HUMAN FIRE CANNON. I'm just saying.
Bless you, tired captioner. That reads like an unsult: "You're flying HIGH, you SMOOZ." It's a sick burn.
22. Poland, "Flashlight," Kasia Mos: 64 pts
Someone will probably wear that to the Emmys.
Otherwise, the only thing I noticed here really is that she looks like a cross between Alley Mills of The Wonder Years and that smooz Kellyanne Conway.
23. Israel, "I Feel Alive," Imri Ziv: 39 pts
Another thing about this year: clumsy introduction of backup dancers. These guys at least sort of strutted into frame; Cyprus's leapt sideways into it.
Our lead singer here got to perform in front of a giant version of himself, which would indeed make one feel exceedingly alive.
Oh, but I sense some emotional honesty coming.
KABOOM.
I know this is just the end of a line, but I prefer imagining it's the captioner being sarcastic. "Yeah, REAL CUTE there, you smooz," he/she is eyerolling.
24. Ukraine, "Time," O.Torvald: 36 pts
For a while Ukraine sang with this giant android Easter Island tribute and it did nothing. Which is a damn waste of a freaky-ass piece of scenery.
I should have known better. I should ALWAYS trust that when there is a giant android head at Eurovision, it WILL eventually go full Terminator.
And then it lit up all gold, so I'm a bit nervous we were all just inducted into a cult.
Oh shit don't look at it directly in the eyes or else it will learn your bank account AND routing number.
25. Germany, "Perfect Life," Levina: 6 pts
Germany finished last the previous two years, so I'm sure the nation is celebrating for sneaking up one spot this time (albeit only by one point). Sadly, Floor Shenanigans are all this performance had. Dear Angela Merkel: Is Germany trying to throw this competition?
26. Spain, "Do It For Your Lover," Manel Navarro: 5 pts
Real talk: This song was a refried turd. Dear Letizia: Is Spain ALSO trying to throw this? Because this entire performance was him cooing "Do it for your lover" with a VW bus rockin' in the background. Needless to say, no voters came a-knockin'.
Though he DID thoughtfully coordinate his guitar strap to his shirt. He ALSO clearly has access to better hair products than I do, which I both admire and RESENT. Give me some tips! Pretend I am your lover and do that for me, YOU SMOOZ.