1. Portugal, "Amar Pelos Dois," by Salvador Sobral: 758 pts
This guy seemed freaked out all night that he was winning, but it turns out he's the NBC Olympics-style feel-sad story of the year: He's got a Condition - widely rumored to be his heart - and doctors advised him not to go, but he did anyway, and got to wear the trophy as a hat. It was a DECISIVE win, too.
That's Jamila, last year's winner, continuing her streak of appearing at Eurovision in crazy jumpsuits. She won convincingly, but Salvador got something like 150 points more even than she did. I've decided it's because everyone wants a trip to Lisbon next year.
Salvador's sister apparently sang this in early rounds due to his health issues, which is why she's performing it with him during the victory lap. I don't know if he won on merit or on hearstring-plucking; it was a nice song, but persononally, I want more campy oomph from Eurovision. He apparently made a comment disparaging the usual showmanship, and dude, I want to like you, but DON'T HATE ON THE FROMAGE.
I don't know why, but while he was performing, I started thinking of him as Emo Aaron Rodgers, and now that's all I see.
2. Bulgaria, "Beautiful Mess," Kristian Kostov: 615 points
My notes here read, "Bulgarian fetus boy." He is the first singer born in or after 2000 to appear in Eurovision, apparently, even though his robust nest of hair bespeaks Brian Setzer circa the Stray Cat Strut. I didn't pay much attention to this song, to be totally honest, but people on the Logo YouTube page (where it streamed) were hot on him potentially winning. For me, it lacked punch, partly because I don't recall anything about the staging other than his shirt having thumbholes.
Thumbholes and dark screens are not enough for me. I don't ask for a lot; only EVERYTHING. Couldn't they have just walked some wild animals across the stage, or slowly built a gigantic human pyramid?
Sadly, though, Kristian apparently cried after and apologized to Bulgaria for not winning. Kid, it's okay. You'll ALL win when Chloe Grace Moretz plays you in the movie.
3. Moldova, "Hey Mamma," SunStroke Project: 374 pts
Apparently Hogwarts students are allowed to perform in Eurovision as well, as this is clearly Draco Malfoy.
Crabbe and Goyle got into the act, too.
The Draco Malfoy Three claim this song is about a mother cruelly preventing her daughter from having fun with the lead singer. The whole song is about how he's not like the other guys, and then he says stuff about how she can go to bed in her own room and he'll just kidnap her from there. Mixed messaging, and vaguely evil intentions! That's so Malfoy.
And it ends with three brides coming out and singing into their microphones, so maybe an elopement was his solution to the mother (in law?) being so mean about not letting them bang all over her house.
Of course she's going to be mad! You didn't invite her to your three-way group wedding. You will not be welcome at her house for holidays.
Sidebar: This is Epic Sax Guy. No, really. This band performed in 2010 and his thrusting apparently won over the hearts of many. Now he's BACK. Epic Sax Guy is an international hero. Epic Sax Guy looks hotter in sunglasses, and probably thrusts better that way too. Epic Sax Guy is clearly the guy everyone in the green room partied with all night long, and he can come to Drinks With Broads -- ONCE -- despite not being a broad.
4. Belgium, "City Lights," Blanche, 363
Blanche's song was really heavy, and I didn't have her pegged to do that well, BUT she sang while snapping her fingers in front of a giant donut, which improves almost any endeavor. Also, she claims she can move one of her toes telepathically. As I noted on Twitter, if I had telepathy but it was limited to part of ONE foot, I would be SO HACKED OFF about it. That's like having one ear with invisibility powers. BIG WHOOP.
Someone please tell her she won't be alone in the Danger Zone for long. If Maverick doesn't take the highway there, Kenny Loggins will fill in for him.
5. Sweden, "I Can't Go On," Robin Bengtsson, 344 points
Robin, in about ten days' time, will move to Australia and enter a reality show called Who Wants To Be A Hemsworth? He also made me laugh: Robin started with his own mic, then stopped and handed it to this disembodied arm for a while. I am unclear what he was doing, as he didn't have any kind of costume change. I guess sometimes... extra limbs are just a special way of boosting production value.
The two dorky Eurovision hosts also made copious fun of the refrain's use of "freaking." But the part-Hemsworth got a lot of mileage out of gazing at the camera and calling us all beautiful and explaining to us just how willing he is for us to ravage him. It didn't feel BAD, I'll tell you what.
"Now girl, you make me a believer. I wanna take off all my clothes," crooned the Half-Hem Prince, displaying the great care with which he crafted this song. "And I’m not going nowhere // Right in your hook, that’s understood // But I’ma take you to somewhere."
And then the Demi-Hemi and his dancing posse got on treadmills and tried to ape OK Go's act. It was more like OK Fine. ZING. But they DO look freaking. So, so freaking.
6. Italy, "Occidentali's Karma," Francesco Gabbani: 334 pts
This is a song, per Francesco, about making us rethink the way we live our lives (he sang it in Italian, which I don't speak at present). And it is true that by the end I was pretty sure I am not living my best one. For one thing, I do not have a suit with rainbow piping, nor a cadre of backup dancers dressed in rainbow hues.
I also don't walk around with giant adult therapeutic coloring books unfurling behind my every step.
I wish my headaches were this pretty. (Also, we should note here that the Logo captions will become vital to this process, both due to spelling mistakes and just general inadvertant amusement. Like, for example, the unwillingness to pinpoint the Italian man's native tongue as Italian.)
This year, Eurovision was really into combining a SkyCam with interesting stage graphics. I hope someone submits this to the Instagram account I Have This Thing With Floors (it's literally just photos of people standing on nice floors). I don't do enough of that, either. But you know what my life is REALLY lacking?
CAVORTING GORILLAS. My life is RUTHLESSLY devoid of these.
I am also low on balletic gorillas...
... meditating gorillas...
... emotionally complicated gorillas...
... or gorillas who engage in celebratory pointing after breakdancing. Francesco says the point of the song is the realization that we are "all naked apes," but I think it's actually just to FLAUNT his possession of multi-talented superstar simian friends and NOBODY LIKES A BRAGGART, FRANCESCO.
7. Romania, "Yodel It," Ilinca feat. Alex Florea: 282 pts
The title of this song speaks for itself. Honestly, and I say this with great affection, if the lady singer/yodeler had sung more of her words on-key, then there would be no excuse for this losing. The words YODEL IT danced on screen behind them while she sang, then yodeled, then danced while he rapped. Everything about this is pure, unadulterated Eurovision perfection.
YES. YES I DO WANNA HEAR THIS NOW YODELING.
This screengrab, caption included, is PEAK EUROVISION. All that's missing is fire, or perhaps a cannon. She even managed to pick a skirt that very nearly flashed the entire crowd.
O HARK, GET ANOTHER COFFEE, BECAUSE WE HAVE A GODDAMN CANNON.
And the cannon becomes a CONFETTI CANNON when the screens make it look like it's firing. That's almost better than flames, because it is happening while she is yodeling and he is rapping that he's stuck in the AAC PLE. (See what I mean about the typos? They're magical.)
Also: toy soldiers. "Now what’s the use of being so confused // Of doing all this work you really don’t want to be doing// But you’ll be fine, it’s time to feel alive," he says, in a song that is all about letting your freak flag fly and singing along. Reader, I dare you not to; TREAT YOURSELF to this confusing performance. It didn't win. IT'S RIGGED. IT'S ALL LIES. Right?
And then he had to RUIN THE VIBE by grabbing her at the end and trying to plant one on her; she shoved him away with ... an aura of playfulness, but her original reaction was so clearly WTF ARE YOU DOING ALEX. He has her in a full head wrap with his right arm! It may just have been exuberance on his part, but dude, here's a tip: Don't.
8. Hungary, "Origo," Joci Pápai: 200 pts
Finishing eighth was a song in Hungarian, in which Man Bun dressed up kind of like the narcoleptic dude in Moulin Rouge who sings "Roxanne," and then banged on a jug.
He also had a lady dancing around him as he curses her. (The song is about ethnic prejudice and love of God, but the translation fails it a little. It reads VERY harsh.)
The stage LOOKED beautiful, at least...
... but then he made the poor lady fall to her knees and weep at him and writhe around on the ground before he forgave her. Are telenovelas popular in Hungary?
And for good measure: FIRE. I am unhappy that it took until the eighth-place finisher to have fire. This might mean people will feel that fire goes unrewarded, and thus, they might stop using it. NEVER STOP USING FLAME THROWERS AT EUROVISION. It's not fun if there isn't a 38 percent chance the whole venue will go up in bliss flames.
9. Australia, "Don't Come Easy," Isaiah Firebrace: 173 pts
Isaiah is an adorable 17-year old who sang in front of plaintive photos of himself, and Oz was a hot favorite. What happened? Well, apparently, that dipshit Ukrainian serial celebrity-harasser -- you know the one; I will not print his name -- is not only still at large, but stormed the stage a) right before voting began, and b) during Jamila's performance celebrating the end of her tenure as champion, and in doing so mooned everyone while wrapped in an Australian flag. And so people wonder if the well was tainted by... well, his taint. That "comedian" f*ckwad is disgusting -- he harasses men and women alike, though for the latter it's generally more frightening to be bum-rushed and grabbed -- and should be marooned in Antarctica.
Also: FIRE. But I'm not sure he should have won. He IS adorable, though.
10. Norway, "Grab the Moment," JOWST: 158 pts
I remember almost nothing about this performance, other than thinking it looks like Daft Punk broke up and one of the members met a new singer at the racetrack.
And then they hired Death to play backup keyboards, and Death did what Death does: brought down the mood. "They read me like a book that is open // While punching on a bag and I’m choking // I’m looking for a sign while they’re stepping on my mind," the song goes, before looping around to things like "I put my nerves in the coffin" and "Kill kill kill that voice in my head." So... it's dark, is what I'm saying. I need more yodeling before Death takes me.
11. The Netherlands, "Lights and Shadows," OG3NE: 150 pts
These ladies are sisters, singing a song written by their father for their sick mother (the band name is O, for her blood type, and roughly "GENE" for their DNA). They have gorgeous voices, and I'm a bit surprised this didn't do better, but the heavy-handed stills of people sadly hugging that appeared behind them might have been too depressing. Not that KILL KILL KILL NERVES IN MY COFFIN PUNCH THE BAG was such an upper, but this song was sandwiched between a weird Armenian number involving Vogueing (we'll get there in the next post), and the Moldovan group wedding, so it may have gotten lost.
12. France, "Requiem," Alma: 135 pts
Alma -- or French Hailee Steinfeld, as I called her in my notes -- wore a dress that I want in my closet SO BADLY.
Hmm, she's representing France, and is herself French... if only we could figure out what foreign language she might be using.
The visuals here were actually really gorgeous. A gorilla would have helped.
13. Croatia, "My Friend," Jacques Houdek: 128 pts
You also need to watch this one. Jacques sings in two ranges, one very low and one high -- a tenor-baritone flip, they said -- and so he sang this song AS A DUET WITH HIMSELF. OH YES. YES HE DID.
He'd sing in tenor, then turn to another camera and sing as a baritone, while the screens behind him showed two of him. ONE OF HIM IS SINGING AND ONE IS NOT. He is also PAINSTAKINGLY manscaped.
AND THEN FIRE. Why didn't he do better? He was cheesy, he was earnest, he was wacky, he has a great voice actually, and he shot off some flames. What more are these voters LOOKING FOR? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU. Wait someone on twitter just told me he is a mega notoriously homophobe. THAT IS NOT OKAY, JACKHOLE. Fix your shit, PavaNOTti.
And then, after a whole performance centered on Jacques 1 and Jacques 2, the final shot of the bows is this guy, all, "IT'S CALLED 'MY FRIEND' AND I AM HIS FRIEND SO THIS IS PROBABLY ALL ABOUT MEEEEEE I AM ALSO HERE YAY!"