Cheryl Maitland

Cheryl here was formerly a bride on Married at First Sight, but she broke up with her assigned husband -- as solid a choice as I can imagine, considering she went on the show in the first place -- and is now engaged to someone the DMIK calls "a former criminal turned plumber." She made... quite an impact here. This might have been dramatic in a good way without the semi-sheer corsetry, but as it is, she just looks like she's being ceremonially unwrapped. Twitter made lots of references to the Red Wedding and gushing blood and such, so I shall refrain and instead simply say that anything disgusting on the bathroom floor almost certainly went home with her.

Kelly Rowland

I was going to make a joke about her being Noted Australian TV Star Kelly Rowland, but she's a judge on their version of The Voice so she actually IS a Noted Australian TV Star. And she is dressed accordingly, it seems: big skirt, big slit.

Matthew Johnson and Laura Byrne

She won his season of The Bachelor, and I guess it's working out? Perhaps he really LIKES formal tube tops.

Jess Glynne

Jess is an English songwriter, and denim codpiece enthusiast. These pants are so stupid (to be frank) that I'm shocked Kendall Jenner hasn't worn them.

Shelley Craft

Here is a breath of much more elegant air.

Kerri-Anne Kennerley

She is, per Wiki, one of Australia's most respected light entertainment hosts. AND SHE IS 64 YEARS OLD. She looks the same age as Chelsea Handler in this photo. 

Davina Rankin

Davina was apparently "the villain bride" on Married At First Sight (there was a love triangle?), which makes me think I need to find reruns of Married At First Sight. Her dress is formalwear with a very subtle ode to French Maid.

Miranda Tapsell

She looks great, but I feel for her with the sweat stain. Armpits are so unkind.

Sophia Forrest

She is, evidently, the daughter of a billionaire. So her presumptive clothing budget should have yielded something substantially better.

Lisa Wilkinson

She's also a TV host, and I actually kind of like her vintage-cut dress, but the purple flowers start to look like she wandered under a shedding tree.

Georgia Love

She brought her matching parachute.

Logie Awards 2018 in the Gold Coast, Australia - 01 Jul 2018

This doesn't seem to need the extra shoulder drapes.

Jojo Siwa

She's 15 and a singer who was also on Dance Moms, and one of her songs is called "Kid In A Candy Store," so on multiple levels it's sort of hard to ding her for this aesthetic.

Amanda Keller

I thought this was pants; it isn't. But then I realized that, due to wackiness, I kind of WISH it were pants.

Rebecca Harding

This looks like a wedding gown.

Julia Morris

And now it's time for gold! I do like this, actually.

Leila McKinnon

She is a journalist, but I also personally believe she is a Carrie Underwood impersonator.

Olympia Valance

It IS apt that someone named "Valance" would be wearing a dress that reminds me of housewares. It's a very PRETTY tablecloth, but yes, a tablecloth.

Carrie Bickmore

The frings looks like her back is raining.

Casey Donovan

I love this. It's gorgeous. 

Erin Holland

This is totally Sexy Maleficent, and in fact, Angelina Jolie should give her stylist a call.

Logie Awards 2018 in the Gold Coast, Australia - 01 Jul 2018

I guess this guy has Aboriginal heritage, which is why he wears this particular getup to compete on Australian Ninja Warrior, but... they call the tighties "budgie smugglers," which is amazing, and yet... on the red carpet, good sir, please smuggle your budgies in something more apt to contain them. We don't want any free birds at this party.

It's Time Again For The Logies

That is, Australia's TV awards, an annual red carpet delight.