Cheryl Cole

I swear, it's going to be, like, a month before she's in Us Weekly in a story called, "Bradley Cooper Breaks Jen's Heart With Foreign Flings," or, "Cheryl Making A Mayer Mistake?"

Paula Abdul

Welcome back, Paula. You look, with your dyed-to-match sandals, like you are on Dancing With The Stars. Which I know was famously P's favorite show, to the point that she was in the audience one season while she was on American Idol as well. Keep trying, Paula! Keep crafting your message and maybe someone will listen.

Paula Abdul

Hmm. This is not the message I had in mind. Marilyn Monroe may also resent the shout-out, as I heard one of her last sentences was, "I hope I continue never to have anything in common with a woman who dances with a cartoon cat."

Paula Abdul

But here is my question: Does Paula seem.... extra refreshed? Or is it just the effect of the giant eyelashes? Maybe she's not refreshed, but RELIEVED. As in, relieved to have a job again, because where else can she talk about unicorns who deliver magical happiness to her via the voices of angelic youths?

Paula and Simon

ACK. You crazy kids don't have to work this hard to convince us you like each other. Really. You can stop now.

Simon Cowell

Meanwhile, Paula and Cheryl got all dolled up, and of course Simon showed up in a glorified undershirt that gently skims his man-boobs for optimal landscaping. SIMON. Go shopping.

The Fug-Factor

Personally, I'm excited that Simon Cowell pushed so hard to make Cheryl Cole a judge on The X-Factor. Yes, it smacks of trying super hard to make her happen, but she also dresses like a lunatic a lot of the time and so bringing her stateside is like giving us a gift of fug that, we hope, will never stop giving. The weird thing is, there's something sort of cute about this outfit. The sum of its parts is totally 1970s Snooki -- I appreciate big hair, but that is so stereotypically Jersey that it actually just joined a Springsteen cover band -- but each individual thing is maybe not the worst. The shirt? Cute. The belt? Cute, with a different outfit -- or maybe just the shirt, especially if the shirt were actually a dress. The pants: great color, surprisingly flattering for high-waisted trousers, yet in desperate need of a tailor so that they're not acting as sleep masks for her toes. They might even also work with the shirt, with a different colored belt. Have at her in the comments, Fug Nation -- give Cheryl Cole an nice, sturdy, welcome-to-the-USA unfugging. And also, come see what Paula's doing.