Mel B

I don't think I've ever said this before, but: I hope these are shorts. SPOILER: THEY'RE NOT.

Cheryl Cole

I think Cheryl's face looks great, but this whole outfit confounds me. Fellow ladies of a certain age will certainly remember that, about ten years ago, there was a trend at places like Forever 21 of very short, flouncy skirts that one would wear out to, say, The Club. This is the expensive, ten-years later version of that skirt.

Cheryl Cole

I'm in love with the bored-looking blonde girl at the front of the press line there. She's like, "whatever Cheryl. I'm here for Simon. PS the back of your skirt is cracked. All of this is confusing.

The Fug Factor: Mel B and Cheryl Cole at The X Factor Auditions

I suspect both of these women will have REGRETS about these looks eventually, and by "eventually" I mean right now. Second: do you think Cheryl Cole ever starts waxing poetic about the success of Girls Aloud and Mel B just stares her down and then starts whistling "2 Become 1"? Because I hope so. [Photos: AKM/GSI, Peter Goddard/Vantagenews.co.uk, XPOSUREPHOTOS.COM]