> ## Content Index
> Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt
> Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further.

# The New Fugland Patriots
- URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/the-new-fugland-patriots/
- Published: 2011-03-09T16:00:22.000Z
- Updated: 2011-05-03T05:49:20.000Z
- Author: Heather
- Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:27

## Tom Brady: July 2004

![Tom Brady](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2011/03/july2004_tombrady_51035985.jpg)

Ah, 2004\. It was a simpler time. Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry were still in the womb (well, the womb of Celebrity, anyway), Tom Cruise hadn't married that chick from Dawson's Creek yet, and Tom Brady looked like this: slight scruff, little hipster rhino horn, and overall cuteness.

## Tom Brady: April 2005

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/april_tombrady_200552602125.jpg)

By 2005, Tom had clipped his locks into a buzzcut (though he still hadn't shaved, although he looks so cute I don't mind that he has a pathological inability to mow the lawn). The best part of this photo, though, is the visible thong of Tom's seatmate, which she is presenting to him like a baboon in heat.

## Tom Brady: March 2008

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/march2008_tombrady_80208919.jpg)

There .wasn't much movement on the follicular front until 2008, when he went back to the longer swoop, and a hairy neck.

## Tom Brady: May 2009

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/may2009_tombrady_86375519.jpg)

I am wondering if this is where the trouble started. Tom is trying to support Gisele at the Met Ball, and she looks all schemy, like, "My man cannot be prettier than I am. What can I do? This will not stand. I must harness the power of my vagina."

## Tom Brady: December 2009

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/dec2009_tombradyspl143823_003.jpg)

And so it begins.

## Tom Brady: May 2010

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/may2010_tombrady_98827528.jpg)

Gisele's eyes say, "My vagina is more powerful than even I imagined."

## Tom Brady: June 2010

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/june2010_tombrady_101650549.jpg)

This was when the Justin Bieber comparisons began. It is not, despite the location of his hands in his armpits, where any Mary Catherine Gallagher comparisons began.

## Tom Brady: September 2010

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/sept_2010_tombrady_spl208555_003.jpg)

I feel like this is the cover of a lost Doors album.

## Tom Brady: November 2010

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/november2010__tombrady_spl227752_004.jpg)

Whereas this is the cover of a stand-up comedy album by some dude who counts his idols as Dane Cook, Josh Groban, and Scarlett Johansson.

## Tom Brady's ass: December 2010

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/spl229867_001.jpg)

Whoops. How did THIS photo get in here?

## Tom Brady: January 2011

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/jan-2011_tombrady_spl233143_005.jpg)

And now things have degenerated into Hair Band, Post-Concert, Winter: A Tribute to Crystalline Sweat.

## Tom Brady: January 2011

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/jan-2011_tombrady_spl233143_001.jpg)

I MEAN.

## Tom Brady: March 2011

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/march_2011_tombrady_spl255050_006.jpg)

And now, this: Gisele and Tom at Carnivale, her in a Pantene shirt -- which he obviously could not wear for fear of incurring the sponsor's wrath -- and him in an Oral-B top (yet not showing his teeth) and my hair after I've been on the treadmill.

## Tom Brady: March 2011

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2011/03/march_2011_tombrady_spl255050_002.jpg)

Right down to the nub of a ponytail. Oh, TOM. What have you become? When will this end? You are TOM f'ing BRADY, not the inexplicable [Jamie Campbell Bower](https://blog.zap2it.com/pop2it/jamie-campbell-bower-bonnie-wright-500.jpg?ref=go-fug-yourself.ghost.io). Sweat on a hot night? Sure, fine. But if you show up somewhere with a French braid I swear to God we are going to lock up Gisele in, like, a meatball parlor, and stage an intervention.

[The New Fugland PatriotsOur nation is grappling with many insidious problems right now, but none -- NONE -- are more perilous to our impressionable youth than the state of Tom Brady's hair, which has taken a turn for the worse this week down in Brazil. It's time we shed some light on the chronological evolution, or devolution, of this monstrous man-coif so as to try and understand where thing went wrong and what -- if anything -- can be done to right the ship. Come on, Fug Nation Brain Trust. America is counting on you. \[poll id="1502"\] \[Photos: Getty and Splash News\]![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2011/03/july2004_tombrady_51035985.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/the-new-fugland-patriots-03-2011/)