Tom Brady: July 2004
Ah, 2004. It was a simpler time. Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry were still in the womb (well, the womb of Celebrity, anyway), Tom Cruise hadn't married that chick from Dawson's Creek yet, and Tom Brady looked like this: slight scruff, little hipster rhino horn, and overall cuteness.
Tom Brady: April 2005
By 2005, Tom had clipped his locks into a buzzcut (though he still hadn't shaved, although he looks so cute I don't mind that he has a pathological inability to mow the lawn). The best part of this photo, though, is the visible thong of Tom's seatmate, which she is presenting to him like a baboon in heat.
Tom Brady: March 2008
There .wasn't much movement on the follicular front until 2008, when he went back to the longer swoop, and a hairy neck.
Tom Brady: May 2009
I am wondering if this is where the trouble started. Tom is trying to support Gisele at the Met Ball, and she looks all schemy, like, "My man cannot be prettier than I am. What can I do? This will not stand. I must harness the power of my vagina."
Tom Brady: December 2009
And so it begins.
Tom Brady: May 2010
Gisele's eyes say, "My vagina is more powerful than even I imagined."
Tom Brady: June 2010
This was when the Justin Bieber comparisons began. It is not, despite the location of his hands in his armpits, where any Mary Catherine Gallagher comparisons began.
Tom Brady: September 2010
I feel like this is the cover of a lost Doors album.
Tom Brady: November 2010
Whereas this is the cover of a stand-up comedy album by some dude who counts his idols as Dane Cook, Josh Groban, and Scarlett Johansson.
Tom Brady's ass: December 2010
Whoops. How did THIS photo get in here?
Tom Brady: January 2011
And now things have degenerated into Hair Band, Post-Concert, Winter: A Tribute to Crystalline Sweat.
Tom Brady: January 2011
I MEAN.
Tom Brady: March 2011
And now, this: Gisele and Tom at Carnivale, her in a Pantene shirt -- which he obviously could not wear for fear of incurring the sponsor's wrath -- and him in an Oral-B top (yet not showing his teeth) and my hair after I've been on the treadmill.
Tom Brady: March 2011
Right down to the nub of a ponytail. Oh, TOM. What have you become? When will this end? You are TOM f'ing BRADY, not the inexplicable Jamie Campbell Bower. Sweat on a hot night? Sure, fine. But if you show up somewhere with a French braid I swear to God we are going to lock up Gisele in, like, a meatball parlor, and stage an intervention.
