Kourtney

This is sufficiently creepy -- kreepy! -- that I keep having to remind myself it isn't real. Or rather, it IS real, but it's silkscreened onto a dress rather than just body paint. 

Girl, be careful how you hike that thing. It's ALREADY just a shirt.

Oh, good, we're back to enormous leather pants. JUST IN TIME FOR SUMMER. Sigh.

And this is... pajama sweatpants? Kourtney, by the way, spent all of Cannes on a boat with her model boyfriend, while Scott Disick was on land in a bungalow conveniently within range of a paparazzo lens -- which equally conveniently caught him with a rotating cabal of ladies that included Bella Thorne. Now you're caught up.

I really rather think Kourtney is enjoying Kim's retreat from the limelight.

We will be seeing SO MUCH of elastic waists in this slideshow. Not as many nipples as you might expect, though, so here are some for you.

Kourtney

See? Are these the new leggings?

It is crazy to think this was taken within a week of the others. The Earth totally hates us and you can tell by how janky the seasons are getting.

I do not like her pants. I do not like her shirt. I do not like that she wants people to double-take and wonder if a half-naked lady is wandering around SoCal.

Kim and Kourtney Kardashian meet Jonathan Cheban at Chin Chin Restaurant

By comparison, I can live with this. 

with Kendall (left)

Drawstrings on pants, drawstrings on arms... will it be drawstring shoes next?A

Kendall

Nipples and pearls and... is that pizza? Like, ACTUAL pizza?

Those pants -- or is it a skirt -- look like a sweatbox. And I guess she used up all her bras on this outfit and didn't have one left for the one on the previous slide. So sad.

... Are those jeans just way too big, and she's cinched them so that the zipper leans sideways, or has she found a diagonally crotched pair of pants?!?

I mean, I APPRECIATE her attempts to dress up sweatpants. I do. But she's at the airport! You can wear sneakers, Kendall. IT'S OKAY.

I assume the giant bag contains all the things she needs to use in the airplane bathroom, so that she pops off her flight looking breezy and chic and as if she slept ten hours. Which, in first class, she might well do.

Kim

And now onto Kim, who was not in Cannes on a yacht, but has bronzed herself to look as if that was the case.

She does love a clingy tank dress. I wonder if she has an entire closet just for them.

Kim

The optical illusion here gets me EVERY TIME: I miss the snippet of white on the side of the suit, and so her proportions look crazy until my head processes it. Seriously, block that out and it's like she's stuffing her pants with batting. They are still, however, unflattering. Aggressively so. 

Kim would not want to be left out of any trends, so here are HER formal sweats.

She cannot go for too long without the pizza, though. I mean, she made it three whole slides. That's insane.

And this is full Video Vixen, although I actually think the dress looks better on her than anything else here.

Khloe

Khloe's turn! Riddle me this, dear reader: Has she cut away the pockets to create pelvic windows?

Khloe

These people have the slipperiest shoulders in the world. KEEP YOUR JACKETS ON SOMETIMES.

Khloe has a great bod, and wearing skintight jeans a size too small does it no favors.

This shirt looks like she ran into an angry housecat.

FINALLY, a Kardashian who looks like she just took a long ass flight.

Okay, but those are the worst. Well, it's a toss-up between the pants and the obnoxious GIVENCHY shower shoes. Basically, below the waist it's ALL gone awry.

Kris

Such bad pants. Also, at this point, don't you tuck in the see-through lace shirt?

Kylie

You might think she wore this to the gym, but no. She wore it SHOPPING. MIC DROP.

The Periodic Kards Katch-Up

Kourtney is staking a strong claim on the title of Worst-dressed Jenndashian of 2017, although Khloe's kreative pocket surgery is pretty compellingly terrible too. However, pizzaphobes, take heart: There's hardly any. [Photos: Backgrid, WENN]