Oh, Agent Cooper. Kyle MacLachlan is still really, realluy good-looking. Take that, Derek Zoolander.
I read somewhere, I THINK, that the above clip was not digitally created -- that it is actually footage from the old series, neatly providing a springboard into this one. And yes, Sheryl Lee, we DO recognize you, because mercifully you have not messed with your face. BLESS.
This is a trick I plan to practice for parties.
Oh, and she plants one gently on Dale before getting sucked up into The Great Red Velvet Curtains In The Sky.
Agent Creeper
By contrast, here is Kyle as El Creepo, and I think he's wearing darker contacts to make his eyes deeper pits of doom.
Ray and Daria
Daria kind of reminds me of a young Laura Palmer -- it's something about the eyebrows and the spacing of her eyes. Ray is smug and creepy (although I was sitting near the actor on the shuttle leaving the premiere afterparty, and he seemed totally nice).
This photo gives you a good look at how soulless Kyle MacLachlan can make Agent Creeper seem. Even this kind of intimate gesture is impersonal and creepy and totally without comfort.
I think one of my favorite things that happened was when Creeper wordlessly massaged the face of this underling for a very long time, before we later find out Underling is dead. Death by cheek massage?
The Log Lady
HOORAY! I have to say, this was emotional to watch, and I say that as someone who didn't see the original episodes where she did stuff. Knowing this actress died in 2015... she may have been very ill filming this, and one wonders if the nasal cannula were for her or the character. She sounds a bit weakened. I just want to hug her. It's so sad. Also the log is a delight.
Deputy Chief Hawk
He is a very comforting presence indeed. I hope he didn't get sucked into the ground-pustule. Which, by the way, is next.
It's just a well, really. Maybe. But I've watched enough blackhead extraction videos on the YouTubes (DON'T DO IT DON'T GO THERE) that all I can see is a massive thing that's dying to be squeezed.
Lucy
She is spacey and delightful, and fond of cardigans. I guess she's married to someone called Andy, and they have a funny exchange where they discuss that Agent Cooper MUST be missing because he was gone before their son was born and he's 24 now and they've not gotten a SINGLE card from Dale.
Sarah Palmer
She doesn't have any lines in this scene, and at the premiere, people applauded anyway. It's great. She just chain-smokes and watches animals attack each other. Sarah Palmer might get along with Grace Zabriskie's Big Love character.
Dr. Jacoby
He doesn't do much yet -- I read somewhere that Russ Tamblyn's availability was compromised by heart surgery, so I have NO IDEA what all we'll see going forward, but he is ALIVE so that's good news -- but I laughed at this scene in which he emerges wearing shades, and then removes them to reveal tinted glasses underneath.
So apparently, Vanessa from Brooklyn (Jessica Szohr) is friends with Shelly "Madchen Amick" Johnson. I assume... they waitress together, or something? Also somehow I forgot Gossip Girl existed until just now.
James
And here's James, with the presumably of-legal-drinking-age kid who accompanied him.
Balthazar Getty
This finger gun seems so threatening, but Shelly doesn't seem to mind.
This is the bumbling lady who lives next to Ruth Davenport, and alerts police to the strange smell. I'm showing her to you because... well, I mean, who the hell knows if you need to see her or not.
Matthew Lillard
Here's Hastings, aka Matthew Lillard. His face is SO RUBBERY. In the best way for this role. He looks angry and scared and petulant and guilty and childlike within the span of five seconds.
ACK
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.
The previous dude... thing? ... fades away and then his face floats up out of the frame. I circled it because I'm so helpful.
What's in The Booooox
I knew you'd want to see the Plexiglass Murder Box.
Say goodbye to Buzz Cut and Tracey (Ben Rosenfield and Madeline Zima). It was nice knowing you! Hope the sex was great.
I don't know if you can see the spectral being here, but that's what ate Tracey and Buzz Cut.
Have you ever wondered what Kyle MacLachlan would look like if he were a synchronized swimmer? This shot may tell you.
The bit where they monkey with depth perception, or however anyone would describe it, is harder to capture in a still. In motion, it was quick hits of him moving backward and then closer to us and then back again. Almost like the box was an expanding and contracting hallway.
Ashley Judd
She looks good! I'm happy about that.
Patrick Fischler
I assume we'll see him again.
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Hi Jennifer! Nice robe. Questionable beverages. Good snacks.
Al Strobel
I am told this is a one-armed man who was a BOB cohort. He's chilling with Agent Cooper in the Red Room, and I was wondering if he's also somehow the person coming through Agent Creeper's machine who wants to be together with BOB again. Because it seems weird that he'd help Agent Cooper, otherwise. But I guess also he's not necessarily a real person, at this point? I DON'T KNOW.
The Arm
Of course it's a brain on a tree called The Arm. "I am the Arm, and I sound like this," it hissed, helpfully.
This is the band that plays the final song, which is actually very good. Not that this band would, realistically, ever have gotten booked in at the Bang Bang Bar, but that's part of why it's fun.
Oh, and this guy played some sounds for Dale on a gramophone and said, "It's in our house now," or something, before telling him to remember "430" -- which is four-three-oh, not four-hundred-thirty or anything. "I understand," Dale replied. That makes one of us.