Rachael Flatt Short Program
I have notes for Rachael, and they start and end with: NO ONE is apparently telling you this, so I will: YOU WEAR YOUR SKIRTS TOO SHORT. That little hitch up on the side? Stop doing it. This length, which hits you RIGHT at the most muscular part of the leg? PROBLEMATIC. That your skirts are also chiffon? STOP. You are in enviable shape -- I've seen you walking around in yoga pants, so I know -- but you'd look LONGER if your skirts were, well, longer. IT'S BEEN YEARS NOW AND ALWAYS YOU LOOK SQUAT AND I AM SURE YOU'RE NOT THAT SQUAT. DE-SQUAT YOURSELF, SISTER. Why doesn't someone HELP YOU?
Rachael Flatt Free Skate
WHAT DID I JUST SAY? Imagine this skirt an inch and a half longer and with a marginally fuller skirt. MAGIC. You seem like a nice girl -- although sadly less charismatic on ice than most of your components -- but this could all be....better. Girl. You know it's true.
Mirai Nagasu Short Program
I truly think part of my issue with Rachael is that her costumes are weirdly generic, which is weird considering the amount of success she's had. Mirai, on the other hand, looks so cute and so unusual. The beading on this is so great and artistic -- she looks like a butterfly. (This is also where Dick Button would have a stroke over how beautifully she's extended. She IS skating from the tips of her fingers to the bottom of her toes.)
Mirai Nagasu Free Skate
I guess the basic story here is that I love Mirai's taste. Because I also think this is awesome. Neither of her costumes look like FIGURE SKATING OUTFITS as much as they look like fabulous little dresses in which she just happens to be doing CRAZY TRICKS OF INSANE FLEXIBILITY to music that just happens to helpfully match the theme of the outfit she's wearing.
Alyssa Czisny Short Program
"Don't cry for me, USFSA! I'm going to win this title! Also: this manages to be pretty while still possibly being made out of toilet paper and ALSO basically being what you'd put a girl in if you were making a Lifetime movie about a figure skater and you wanted to illustrate how pure and good she was. Also, can my old school white skates get some love up in here? THANK YOU."
Alyssa Czisny Free Skate
"Yes, this IS how I end all my routines! Dick Button would say something about GRACE or some shit, and indeed, I hope that's what he's saying at home right now, in between cursing whoever decided we didn't need to hear him on air, pointing out how crappy people's spins are. THAT PERSON WAS WRONG. Hey, does this dress look like I tie-dyed the other one? WELL SUCK IT, because I NAILED this routine and then I WON."
Agnes Zawadzki Short Progam
So. I'm in love with Agnes. Look at what she's wearing. IT'S CRAZY. Also: she seems sassy and she skated quite well in the short. Also Part Deux: hot pink. I feel like Johnny Weir would approve of this -- and therefore so must I.
Agnes Zawadzki Free Skate
A hot pink short program costume followed by a Salute to Oktoberfest, as Worn By a Tragic 18th Century Consumptive Prostitute (thus fulfilling the quota that SOMEONE must dress as a Tragic Consumptive Prostitute in every meet)? GENIUS. Figure skating is the most entertaining of the costumed sports, of which there are no others. Add into this the fact that Agnes -- at 16 -- seems seriously talented AND has plenty of zing? I am sold.
Caitlin Yankowskas, John Coughlin Short Progam
Pairs skating time, bitches! These two won the title this year, and this was their short program look. It seems modest, but the back of her dress is basically totally open -- of course, I couldn't get a good picture of it. But it's like demure, demure, demure SEXY. I like it. I also like how -- though she was born in New Hampshire -- she looks like what I call a Russian Skater Bitch, who kicks ass and will cut you if she has to. (Not in demeanor as much as in her actual physical look.) (See also: Sasha Cohen, for an ever more extreme example of an American Russian Skater Bitch.) (PS: I LOVE Russian Skater Bitch.)
Caitlin Yankowskas, John Coughlin Free Skate
This was so insanely touching, and I really love this picture. This is Caitlin and John's look for their winning long program, a truly lovely routine set to Ave Maria -- which is dedicated John's mother, who died less than a year ago at 48. I think we all feel that losing a parent at any age is too soon, but that is sincerely much, much too soon, and it's hard not to have your heart break for him. It's always awesome to see someone NAIL their routine, but it was particularly touching under these circumstances. He looks classy, and her dress is quite exquisite. Bonus points, of course, for the Classic White Skates. Well done all around.
Amanda Evora, Mark Ladwig Short Program
I didn't see this program -- NBC didn't air the non-winning team's short programs (I'm writing a letter to my congresswoman) -- but judging from these outfits, I am assuming it's about two sassy employees of an Italian restaurant with a waitstaff compelled to perform the collected works of Stephen Sondheim whilst serving giant lasagna platters and tap-dancing. Who find love, obviously.
Amanda Evora, Mark Ladwig Free Skate
"Hello. This is the exactly what pairs skaters always wear. PLUS BeDazzled man-cuffs!"
Caydee Denney, Jeremy Barrett Short Program
I didn't see THIS program either (I'm ALSO writing my representative) but I hope it's about the beaver that attacked her outfit. Bonus points for how DISGUSTED he looks here.
Caydee Denney, Jeremy Barrett Free Skate
I miss Johnny Weir. And we haven't even gotten to the men yet. Regardless: I'm just saying that we seem BEREFT OF FEATHERS THUS FAR. Would it have hurt Jeremy here, for example to go a little Black Swan on us? He's already working (essentially) a leotard! GET WITH THE PROGRAM Y'ALL.
Rockne Brubaker and Child Bride
I don't know why Rockne Brubaker and his new partner, Child Bride, are covered in spider webs. I would also be interested to hear if anyone in either of their camps ever discussed how he -- although he's only six years older than she is -- looks like he's kidnapping her, because he appears to be a grown-up man, and she looks very, very, very very young. Because she's 15. And I'd also like to know whether or not that conversation included the phrase, "I hope this doesn't look creepy. It doesn't, right?" And whether or not THAT comment was answered with, "let's cover them in cobwebs. IT MAKES ANTIQUES LOOK OLDER."