Jessica Szohr

This is so bad I don't even know what to say. It's like if the Black Swan went bowling at a strip club on Alice Cooper Night.

Jessica Simpson

Call me crazy, but this isn't so terrible. I mean, yes, it's a tad short, and it's not the MOST awesome cut on her body, but it's also eleventy million percent better than most of what she wears. And it made room for her boobs, which is a victory. I feel like I'm supposed to hate it but instead I'm just relieved it wasn't a thousand times worse.

Joe Jonas

Joe, maybe that suit would fit you better if you hadn't tried to stuff a jean jacket underneath it. Either you have an alter ego who is lousy at hiding, or you're trying way, way too hard. Also: Is it just me or is Joe Jonas becoming an Adrian Grenier doppelganger? I hope he makes another Drive Me Crazy, and not another douchetastic Entourage.

Whitney Port

I think Whitney actually looks quite pretty. I don't LOVE the electric-blue platform sandals, but at least they match the dress's vibe. And they're not orthopedics, ahem, JESSICA SZOHR.

Rachael Leigh Cook

hey, is Rachael Leigh Cook still happening? Okay then! I have no issue with that. She seems nice, and she's married to Elijah from Vampire Diaries, and he's kicking ass on that show, so it's happy-happy-goodwill all around up in here. Except for this outfit, which... at one point I thought I didn't mind the dress, but it's too short on her, and I don't know that it'd actually be that flattering on most people because of the giant horizontal swath that cuts straight through the midsection. She sort of looks like she's headed off to the beach to sit under an umbrella and read, which would be fine, if it were that kind of party. I can't WAIT for Us Weekly to throw a Come Hang Out And Read! party.

Pia Toscano

Sigh. Whatever. She's gorgeous, and her voice is tremendous, but somehow I continue to be bored of Pia. But strap in, America, because I suspect we're going to get her thrust upon us for a long time. Also, does it depress anyone else that an American Idol middle-of-the-pack finisher hooking up with a pro from Dancing With The Stars counts as some kind of celebrity power couple in the tabloids now?

Paris Hilton

We're still trotting out this old warhorse? Huh. I want this to be the cover of some homemaking book Paris puts out, all about how to, like, clean your andirons and zest a lemon and scrape bodily fluids off the ceiling.

Odette "Yustman" Annable

Coming soon to Broadway: Odette Annable as Murderer's Row in Chicago. By which I mean, she's playing the actual cellblock.

Madeline Zima

This is not so much Hot Hollywood Style as it is President of the Lanyard-Braiding and Butter-Churning Club.

Lauren Conrad

... I guess? They're not going to hire you on Mad Men, L.C. But don't worry. They won't hire Heidi either. Can you imagine? HA. I just gave myself a laughter cramp.

Camila Alves

That face sums up my feelings exactly.

Joey Lawrence

As a wise man once said, "WHOA." Do you think, back when Blossom ended, that Joey Lawrence ever anticipated being invited to something in 2011 called a Hot Hollywood Style party, as a guest and not as a cater-waiter? And is it weird that I'm happy he's back? He's Danza 2.0, people. Living the dream.

Hayden Panettiere

Those are some glitzy ankle cuffs. That must've been one fancy psych ward she busted out of, huh?

Caroline D'Amore

For YEARS, this girl has been around the D-list fringes, and we mostly ignored her because we have no idea why we're supposed to know her. She apparently played a sibling of Audrina Patridge in Sorority Row (which is how you know you're D-list), and has announced she is beginning a music career. That's great. Is she also throwing a swingers party and then heading out to the disco with Janice Dickinson? Girl. You are going to have to do better than this if you want to make it to Us Weekly's Young Hot Hollywood Celebrity Superstar Talent party, which is probably in about six hours.

Us Weekly's Hot Fuglywood Party

So apparently, as the world girded its loins for -- and then eventually spent five hours or so watching -- the royal wedding, it seems life did not screech to a halt for everyone. In fact, Us Weekly threw a party. I know, I know, it feels like every week they throw some kind of You Are Young (By Which We Mean 12 to 56 Years Old) So Put On Some Party Pants And Get Funky shindig. And maybe that's why we missed this one entirely. Like, COMPLETELY missed it. What were we doing? Oh, wait: Making slideshows about Princes William and Harry. And then covering the Met Ball. But still. I stumbled on the pictures totally by accident on Thursday night and thought maybe I had been taking crazy pills. Far be it from me to DENY you these, though, especially with such luminaries as Jessica Simpson and Hayden Pantywaist and Jessica Szohr involved. On the latter front, can I just applaud La Szohr for her ingenuity? Every time I think that her hair could not possibly get any worse, she goes and proves me wrong. That takes thought.