Philip Seymour Hoffman
I know this was just the afternoon photocall, but come on -- you're at the Venice Film Festival, sir. BRING A BACKUP SHIRT. Recreating Orion's Belt out of juice stains or whatever is not the same as WEARING a belt.
Willem Dafoe
IMDb claims Willem here is filming both The Nymphomaniac and something called Whiskey Bay. This mustache fits into my imaginings about BOTH projects. That bar of hair is so solid that I could break it off his face and use it to lift up my suitcase.
Joaquin Phoenix
Listen, Joaquin, remember that time you wanted us to think you were either homeless, insane, or about to star in a remake of Yellowbeard? It is BURNED ON OUR BRAINS. So maybe... try not to look IN ANY WAY CONCERNING for a while, okay? Like, this is how I imagine Maverick would've ended up if he'd never gotten over Goose.
Joaquin Phoenix
Does he have... chalk stains on his groin, or something? I can't... I don't know. Look, without the cigarette dangling from his lip he does look better. But also sort of freaked out by everything. He's kind of like Old Cheyenne Jackson with a dash of Ray Liotta and... you know, I'm not sure whose hair it reminds me of, exactly, but there's definitely a dash of Sally from Peanuts up there.
Joaquin Phoenix
Aw, but it is nice to see him look happy, so... hopefully all the crazy is behind him and he can focus on things like staying bathed, and that whole acting racket at which he's so good. Also, this photo is making me obsessed with Paul Thomas Anderson's hair. (Getty claims that's who that is, but I can't totally tell from the side?) Is that a piece? It's so... it practically has a seam. Maybe he just has lush landscaping up there.
Pierce Brosnan
I will always think of him as Remington Steele. But it's very soothing to see Pierce Brosnan out there, Pierce Brosnaning around town.
Jason Lewis
By contrast, Smith Jerrod here is stressing me out a little. I remember him gazing fairly intensely at Samantha a few times on Sex and the City, but he appears to be attempting some highly advanced Blue Steel here. If it doesn't look weird here, it will on the next slide.
Jason Lewis
BAM. Unfortunately for Jason, this kind of behavior can backfire if one is not a licensed Blue Steel professional.
Zac Efron
Zac here was in town promoting his latest in a series of "Please Forget About All That Singing And Basketball-Dancing Stuff I Was Doing For A While There" projects. In this one, he plays the son of a farmer who wants to drive race cars instead of tractors. I bet there is at least one shot of him chewing on some wheat. Anyway, he's looking suitably grim-faced and intense and Very Serious and leaking gravitas all over the place, and whatnot. Not much to see here.
Zac Efron and Maika Monroe
HOWEVER: Zac has brought as his date a co-star named Maika Monroe (who also will be in the movie about those Hollywood cat burglars that Emma Watson is filming right now), and it is as if somebody said to her, "Just go out there and try to be Blake Lively -- but, like, Blake Lively from three years ago." She's in a Marchesa parade float, she's got the thick ropy blonde braid, she's got some tendrils... Here's hoping she slips over the Boobs Legsly part of that trajectory and gets straight to the good stuff.