Tessa Thompson in Schiaparelli

She's gone HARD at Funky-Experimental this month, and I appreciate it. But this is easily the worst thing Schiaparelli has made in a long time. Her styling doesn't help. The whole thing looks like her cruise ship sank and she swam to the premiere.

She can't even wrangle it without looking off-kilter. There is no glamorous way to wear this. It's just a sad shitshow of a dress. Tessa was its best shot at achieving the "why do I like this even if it's objectively terrible" half-compliment, but alas, even she could not do it. This is beyond human capability.

Cate Blanchett in Louis Vuitton

Meanwhile, Cate sleepwalked her way to victory -- she won for Tar -- in a Louis Vuitton that is trying SOMETHING, but without any real energy.

Julianne Moore in Dior

And I do not like this on her at ALL. Maybe I'm just cranky, but this was the big finish, and her dress is eating her alive. Maybe I still have Schiaparelli Shell-Shock.

Luca Guadagnino, Taylor Russell

These two won Best Director and Best Newcomer for Bones & All, which unfortunately I will not be able to watch, due to Ew. I trust you all to tell me if it's all that. Taylor's dress interested me SO much more when I saw a close-up and thought the silver bit was part of it, but no, it's her trophy. The dress itself is just a plain black sheath, which... yawn.

Jessica Brown Findlay

It took me a minute to recognize Lady Sybil. It IS her; she is the lead in this movie, The Hanging Sun. She is also pregnant. She looks more like Alison Brie here than I am used to, maybe? Anyway, the outfit is dramatic. It feels finessed in a way Julianne's didn't.

Jessica Brown Findlay

She switched into this candy pink selection for the awards portion of the evening, and somehow with the lighting and the makeup change I failed to recognize her AGAIN and now she looks more like Angelina Jolie to me (not that I thought it was Angie; she just suddenly has a resemblance).

Jessica Brown Findlay

I sort of enjoy this. It looks like a very pretty body condom.

Her shoes look like someone is selling them with interchangeable elastic covers.

Leila Hatami

HERE we go! Something truly pretty.

Audrey Diwan

And this, too. I love it. Imagine Julianne in THAT. Or Tessa, just as a break from being avant-garde.

Alessandro Borghi

Or imagine them in THIS, even! That also might work! Thank you for dressing as a walking tapestry, sir.

Luigi De Laurentiis

"Caftan or gown? Caftan or gown? Wait... this is why God invented scissors."

Cate Blanchett

This is entirely here for Cate's glittering oxfords, which are going to send me down a shopping wormhole even though I already have a pair of gold glittery Doc Marten boots. Sometimes a boot is more than you need! ENABLE ME!!!!

Venice Wrapped Up In Surprisingly Heinous Style

Bit of a thud.