Miley Cyrus
Let's lead with Miss Miley, shall we? Her performance was controversial for a lot of reasons, but one of its biggest sins was that it was just terrible. She didn't sound great. Her dancing was lousy and embarrassing. Her costumes were bad. It was like a perfect thrashing storm of all the things artists seem to think they need to do on-stage these days rather than just be super talented (see: Timberlake, Justin), and all done extremely awkwardly.
But, as Jessica said, at least she did it all in practical shoes.
Miley Cyrus
The face on that one teddy bear is so beautifully apt. This is the part where the Hemsworth family started taking COPIOUS notes for a long, pleading draft to Liam, in between asking each other whether that's just a bad tan line around her pelvis or something plastic. They would, of course, get their answer.
Miley Cyrus
Just... NO. There is no reason. And I hate the word "twerking," by the way. I hope the OED refuses to return its calls.
Robin Thicke, Miley Cyrus
Nothing like watching a grown man sing questionable lyrics while a twenty-year old grinds her butt into his genitals.
Robin Thicke, Miley Cyrus
"Unpantsmanlike conduct, fifteen yard penalty, ball will be placed at the spot of the foul. WINK WINK."
Miley Cyrus
WE GET IT. WE SEE YOUR TONGUE. PUT IT AWAY. YOU ARE NOT GENE SIMMONS.
Katy Perry
La Perry closed the show with a surprisingly catchy song, and a performance in a boxing ring, wearing full flashy fighter garb and wielding a championship belt. It was gimmicky, but at least it didn't make me embarrassed for her.
Lady Gaga
Gaga, of course, came out dressed as a priestess from the planet Jigsaw. At least, I assume that's when this happened. I missed parts of this because I was making a sandwich. Priorities.
Lady Gaga
She actually went through several changes and de- and re-wiggings, and I can't remember the order of them, but basically at this point she had on a black leotard/unitard thing and hair like a canary, and it was all so strangely normal.
Lady Gaga
And then it got a little Carol Channing.
Lady Gaga
And then suddenly she was Naked Mermaid Shakira.
Lady Gaga
Just in case anyone missed that it was a thong, she also made this happen, which feels... intimate.
KANYE
TAYLOR, DO YOU WANNA COME UP HERE AND FINISH THIS FOR ME? I'M TIRED. I HAVE A BABY AT HOME. AND I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR ME AND EVERYTHING BUT BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST BABIES OF ALL TIME AND NOW I DON'T SLEEP ANYMORE BECAUSE I AM TOO STRESSED OUT ABOUT WHAT OUTFIT TO WEAR THAT WON'T CLASH WITH THE NANNIES' CUSTOM-MADE UNIFORMS. I CAN'T EVEN RHYME AT THIS TIME 'CAUSE I DON'T FEEL SUBLIME LIKE DIVINE OR CHRIS PINE AND I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT A BABY WOULD BE FINE BUT THAT IS ASININE 'CAUSE THOSE THINGS JUST POOP AND WHINE AND HANG ON A SECOND THIS DOES RHYME. I'M BACK. WHAT'S UP, FATHERHOOD."
Justin Timberlake
JT's performance was great. As absurd as it is for him to be called a legend, what he did on stage kind of DID validate it. And it was a master class for some of these other yahoos: He danced some, he played instruments, he engaged the crowd, and he did it without any costume changes while singing live, no twerking required. But this photo did make me laugh. He looks like a startled Dickensian pauper on his way out to find some stale bread.
NSYNC
Admit it, though: This felt right.
NSYNC
But it was so BRIEF. It was just like the Super Bowl, when Destiny's Child "reunited" by skipping around behind Beyonce while she maintained priority status. It was like, "Thanks for coming, guys. Can you just hang out under the stage for 95 percent of the performance? Great.." I was sad we didn't get more than one song -- or even better, NSYNC singing on some of JT's solo stuff, for fun and iTunes sales -- but I think poor Chris Kirkpatrick would have burst a lung. He seemed to be having fun, but looked very relieved when their dance ended.
JT and Swifty
This cracked me up, though. She looks like she's trying to romance him, and he looks terrified. Jessica noted that the two-sided song they can write about this picture would be magical, and she's right. But watch out, Taylor Swift message boards, in case an angry new poster called StealthRulz!! suddenly posts a lot tonight.