Lizzo in Gaultier

I love Lizzo a lot more than I love this Gaultier, which almost feels like an alien parody of his work.

Lizzo in custom Rey Ortiz

She also opened the show, and while this was made for her, it squished her chest a LOT when she was just standing normally. (I chose this photo instead because I love how hard she's singing in it.)

I don't know. It looks less like a design, and more like someone dared her to wax her pants and she didn't expect this outcome.

Lil Nas X

This lacks the joy of his red-carpet outfit. It's like a Slinky hooked up with a piece of Swiss cheese.

It seems fine here, but the whole time he was accepting his award in it, he seemed VERY concerned that he might be flashing everyone. He kept his hand over his crotch VERY carefully. Oh, by the way, that's Jack Harlow behind him...

Jack Harlow, Fergie

... who won a bunch of stuff and was there with Fergie, because he samples "Glamorous" on his song "First Class" and so she came out to perform with him. I REALLY wish she had walked the red carpet because I want to know more about this tremendous thing she's wearing.

But she came out in a "First Class" dress for their performance, and that was the first we saw of her. She mostly shouted the whole time? But I had been wondering where she was, and now the answer is, "Right here." (Do you want to feel old? Jack Harlow called "Glamorous" one of the most important songs of his childhood. OF HIS CHILDHOOD.)

Jack Harlow

Jack also had a suit the color of putty. Zzz.

Eminem and Snoop

I think the worst part about this TRULY UNHINGED performance idea -- they became animated Bored Ape avatars?!? -- is that the song itself was so bad. I can go on your weird-ass journey with you if the song is a bop. ALAS.

Nicki Minaj

Nicki did a very long performance that was ALSO not my favorite, in part because her contacts freaked me out.

Nicki Minaj

And this feels a bit lazily draped.

Nicki and LL

But I like this one! So... one out of three.

Khalid and Marshmello

I had a hard time watching this because of the weird blur work on the cameras. Thankfully that was just a telecast effect so the photos are normal. Marshmello always makes me laugh. He looks like a congenial lamp.

Anitta

This is potentially precarious, if also well-ventilated.

This WAS intentional -- she was basically fllor-twerking? -- but in a still photo it looks like a horrible accident happened.

Maneskin

Oh, you're so cheeky, Damiano.

Offset

On TV I thought this was tweed, but it seems to be velour?!?

Latto

I like this so much more than the green thing she wore on the red carpet.

Ryan Castro and J Balvin

Ryan's shirt is how I feel every day before I make my lunch.

Johnny Depp

Informative caption reads, "This image is a screengrab in order to see the augmented reality MTV used during the awards show. A view of Johnny Depp in a space suit." Listen, however you feel about Johnny Depp, this cannot have worked for you. If you don't like him, well, he was there. And if you do like him, it was so cringe. They kept their distance and you could barely understand what he was saying (his opening line was, "I needed the money," or somesuch, and that's it, and they maybe only showed him once more?). I just do not think this achieved anyone's goals, and was not a thing worth doing on anyone's part.

Dixie D'Amelio

This looks like her shirt is pinching her boob. Yikes.

Anthony Kiedis and Flea

They're not my jam, so their performance didn't do a lot for me. But I realized that Milo Ventimiglia could play Kiedis in a movie about them, and Flea's speech -- they won some kind of lifetime achievement award -- involved him listing all of the everythings that he loves (cockroaches, dirt, every human being, and deer antlers were on the list; it was very 'Everything is Awesome') and ending with, "Anything that isn't love is cowardice." And Chad Smith dedicated it to the late Taylor Hawkins, which was nice, and a good note on which to end. Something that it felt like it took FOREVER for the VMAs themselves to do.

What a Weird, Weird VMAs It Was

Less augmented reality, please.