Sabrina Carpenter and Madonna

I would be lying if I said this duet was my favorite Madonna song, or even on the list of Madonna songs I want to hear again. I also did not think it seemed like MADONNA's very favorite song. But I respect a woman who is like, "I am still going to dance the shit out of it; just get me some kneepads."

I call this one The Bathroom Song because of the set (a replica of one from the video; it's a subway station bathroom, I think). It is a GREAT song that entreats us to "get up and dance," and I have to assume everyone did, because it thumped.

Charli XCX

Charli's parts were largely unintelligible, but whatever. We did also get Debi Mazar and Julia Garner -- dressed as Madonna of Yore -- and a TON of other high-octane dancers. Sadly, no BonitaIsla CrazyForYou, though he IS in the video. (I already used Borderline Cherishvogue in Drinks With Broads.)

Sabrina in 2004 D&G, and Madonna

Madonna was TRYING to tell a story about how responsive Sabrina was to her personally, but it ended up being MORE a story about how Sabrina's team was NOT responsive, and Sabrina was like, "...I PROMISE THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE." Sabrina might also look her very best here. Madge is like, "WHATEVER, I WEAR KINESIOTAPE, IT'S FINE."

Snoop Dogg

Snoop has great turnout. He should do ballet. Also, that's a slick custom VMAs jacket with matching shoes. He's spiffy.

Lisa in Daniil Antsiferov

Lisa won "Best Pop" and I know that this is the VMAs and so they mean "video," they still need a word there. Unless she has her own brand of soda. Also, you could have a blast washing windows in those sleeves.

Lisa

I must admit I did not enjoy this song, though I am happy for her success and for her having procured underwear with her name on it.

Raye

Raye is so talented. And unique -- she has one of those voices where you instantly know it's her. "Where The Hell Is My Husband" is catchy and I thoroughly enjoyed hearing her wail it.

Dakota Johnson in custom Calvin Klein

Dakota is in Taylor Swift's new video, so she presented Taylor with the made-up new Artist Director Award (I know mileage varies tremendously on her music, but I do think her videos are lovely and cinematic and fun where fun is required). CK basically made her the simplest thing imaginable for the occasion.

GENER8ION and Yung Lean

This performance was FABULOUS -- set up like a class photo, where everyone is dancing in place EXCEPT the man singing (I gather this is the video, but done live). Bravo to those dancers.

Sienna Spiro in Agro Studio

It's like adorable armor. She won Best New Artist, and this is evocative of the time Lizzy Gardiner made a gown out of Amex gold cards.

Troye Sivan and Charli XCX

This just looks like they both thought they were done for the night, with Troye set to return to his life of piracy, before someone reminded them to hand out "Best Dance."

Surprise! It's Madonna! She walked all night like her feet hurt -- it felt like these two had to hold her up -- and she did a lot of very weird non-sequiter stuff, though once she got going she sounded okay. It was a mix of the sassy Madonna we know we can count on, and a sign that Mother Time is always undefeated, even with legends.

Gunna and Shaboozey

Shaboozey's first song sounded like "Tipsy Part 2: Tipsier." (Not a complaint; I love "Tipsy.")

Sombr

He began a tribute to George Michael. He looks fine and also like he's hoping Jacob Elordi will make a movie about him someday.

Raye

This was our next Raye sighting; she did "I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me)." As usual, she killed it and looked gorgeous.

Saint Harison, Adam Lambert, mnek, Raye, Meek, Sombr, and Teddy Swims

Teddy Swims did "Careless Whisper," and Adam Lambert et al came out for "Freedom '90." Meek down there on the end was GREAT. I was not familiar with her game. Not meek in the slightest.

Madonna Dominated the VMAs Telecast

Plus: performances and outfit changes.